Death - Part I - Mourning

[sir archely]

Well, i wanted to start a discussion about death, but then i realized there were two different aspects (at least) that i was thinking about and wanted to hear opinions on. So, i decided to make two threads.

This isn't intended to be a so much a debating thread as just a thread to see different perspectives on something.

I'm just curious about how everyone deals with death. As in, do you mourn a lot, a little? Is your mourning very public, extremely private? Do you keep it inside, let it out? Different reactions for different circumstances? etc. It's something i'm sure all of us will come into contact with at least once, and very likely many of us have come into contact with it before. I think that most people probably each have their own ways of reacting to death, and i would like it if you would share. :)


As for me, when someone close to me dies, i tend to be very private about mourning, and i'm not really sure i would even call it real mourning. I tend to be a sympathetic mourner. If someone i know is really sad, then i tend to sympathize with them. Although, i wouldn't really say i'm mourning the person who has died so much as i am being sad with the person who is grieving.

I view death as an inevitability, it doesn't make sense for me to see it any other way. That might seem obvious, but i believe there are quite a few people who do not see it that way. So, when someone dies, i don't see it as a loss really. That sounds awful i guess, i'll try to clarify.

I know that person was going to die sometime, no matter what. There is going to be some point at which they will cease to be here living. All i can really do is enjoy the memories of them that i have. But, it seems like that's all you can ever really do. I could look at it from one way, and say, well, i could have had so many more memories and time with them, but i also think it's equally appropriate to say, i could have had so many less memories with them. So no matter when this person has died, i shouldn't see it as a loss, it could have been a gain too.

My hope is that, when i die, nobody feels bad, everyone just feels happy.

[LaughingTurtle]

I'm of the private type of mourner. When in public I usually tend to cast an air of sorrow but it is usually quite reserved. It’s not due to a machoistic male stereotype of not feeling but rather it’s my own personal need to put on a strong face so that I can help others who are feeling the same loss. It does me more good than just letting my emotions go because I feel better about myself when I do it. Though when I am finally in private, it usually does hit me hard but like with storms, the harder it is the shorter it tends to last.

As for how I feel about death, it all depends on the circumstances. With the recent death of a close friend to my family and my grandfather, they both died peacefully in their sleep and had lived long full lives. On the part of my grandfather, he had been fighting a hard battle with cancer so it was more a mercy when he died than to see him suffer more. I was sad when they died but it wasn’t a bad type of sorrow if you can understand that. It was heartbreaking that they finally had to go but it wasn’t depressing. I think it would be a totally different situation if say my best friend had died due to a car accident or the like. Sure death is inevitable, but a life cut short is still a life cut short.

[dark fuschia]

I tend to not like to cry in front of people cos I hate to look weak, but I do anyway. Cos I can't help it... um cos I'm weak. LOL

I've never lost anyone I was extremely close to though. *touchwood* so I guess I can't say.

[Jennifer]

~revives thread~

Usually, when I hear about the death of someone close to me, I just take the news. It's like I hear it but it doesn't do anything to me. I don't feel anything. Okay, well I feel shock. But pain doesn't come right away, grief doesn't come right away. It's like I'm detached from myself. Maybe that's a way of keeping the grief private, but I think when most people say they keep their grief inside, they mean that they actually DO feel that grief and just don't show it much. But I don't even feel grief. Later on I will feel it, and there is usually a trigger that does so. For example, at the funeral of my friend who OD'd, I hadn't cried at all in the days leading up to it. I felt the shock of his death, I thought about it a lot, and when I found out the exact circumstances I felt anger. But the grief had not hit me. Until the day of his funeral. I stood next to the friends he and I had shared, and they were crying, and I couldn't even feel sad for their grief. It's like I wasn't capable. Then everyone turned and his closest friends came in, bearing his casket. It was on one of those gurney-type things, so they were just kind of pushing it. And something about that image finally set me off. I don't know if it was the way they were holding hands over his casket and crying, this goofy bunch of guys I had seen get falling-down drunk time and again, or if it was just the fact that Kas's young body was consigned to a box. But I felt the grief then. Oh boy did I feel it. And I cried then, quietly of course because it was in church, and I cried in my car on the way to his parents' house for the "reception." But by the time I got there, the crying was over, and I went back to that detached state.

And that's what happens every time I've had someone close to me die.

I don't feel anything, and I feel guilt at not feeling anything. It's not that I don't care. The emotion just doesn't present itself to me, and I don't go looking for it. Something will trigger the grief, and it is intense and short-lived, then I go back to nothingness.

[epiph]

i know exactly what you mean, amaia. when my dad died, i didn't cry at first. i just couldn't believe it. my mom turned the oxygen off and i kept thinking "he's gonna get up in a minute. he CAN'T be dead. he PROMISED me he would get better." my house was swarming with relatives who i never felt close to and didn't want to share my greif with. even once i felt ready to cry i didn't.

and when my ex boyfriend died, i remember wanting to laugh when they told me...i had to cover my mouth so people wouldn't see me smile. utter numbness. my friends started crying and bawling and i was just giving the counselors more names of people who should be told. i didn't cry until we went to view the body...and then i bawled. but i didn't cry at the funeral either. it was so weird.

[Amos]

I'm of the private type of mourner. When in public I usually tend to cast an air of sorrow but it is usually quite reserved. It’s not due to a machoistic male stereotype of not feeling but rather it’s my own personal need to put on a strong face so that I can help others who are feeling the same loss. It does me more good than just letting my emotions go because I feel better about myself when I do it. Though when I am finally in private, it usually does hit me hard but like with storms, the harder it is the shorter it tends to last.

As for how I feel about death, it all depends on the circumstances. With the recent death of a close friend to my family and my grandfather, they both died peacefully in their sleep and had lived long full lives. On the part of my grandfather, he had been fighting a hard battle with cancer so it was more a mercy when he died than to see him suffer more. I was sad when they died but it wasn’t a bad type of sorrow if you can understand that. It was heartbreaking that they finally had to go but it wasn’t depressing. I think it would be a totally different situation if say my best friend had died due to a car accident or the like. Sure death is inevitable, but a life cut short is still a life cut short.

I feel exactly the same way. Well almost exactly. I'm not very good at grieving over death in general, so even in private I don't cry much, if at all. I miss people which makes me sad but I don't really feel sad about death itself.

[~KA3AK~]

I'm not much of a mourning type. When I do mourn someone I do it in private, I don't talk talk to anyone about it and I most of all don't believe in counseling. I don't show any emotion in public. I never cry. It's not like I'm totaly heartless and I have no feelings, I just accept death as a part of life, and acceptance is the hardest part of losing someone. Usually, when someone close to me dies, I just sit alone and recall the positive memories I have of him. What can I say - I life for the present. But sometimes, I do feel sudden sparks of pain that this person is lost.
I really dislike funeral ceremonies. The dead are dead, they don't care how they are buried. I don't believe in all that afterlife stuff. During funerals the dead are just used as objects to help the others deal with their death. To my mind it is disrespectful towards them. I know many people are not going to agree with that.

[Dregs]

Apart from grandparents who I never knew, the only people i know who have died killed themselves. So I would say I'm a very angry mourner. And guilty. But i think thats just my experience, i think, not any particular "mourning" pattern.

[Amelia]

well, Im a very emotional person and so I cry publicly, not that I like to but the harder I try not to cry the harder I cry so I just go with it.

I had a friend who died and he was a co-worker and so that was pretty public mourning, at work we were all mourning. I was really depressed for a week and then BAM felt better, I had a dream that night where I saw him and in the dream we hugged and I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and then I said good-bye. It was very threaputic.

Other family memebers who have died I wasnt that close with and yeah I cried...in private suprisingly, but it wasnt a deep mourning. When my grandfather died I wrote him a letter telling him goodbye and that was good and I cried while I wrote it.

So I mourn and it depends on the closeness of the person.

[Fyrebloom]

When I lost my grandfather I felt guilty, like I could have stopped it or made him better some how. With my mom, I knew it was gonna happen, but in reality I really blocked out the seriousness of her illness. She was sick for over a year and just when she was getting better bam her heart stopped. It was like 5 years ago and i'm not depressed anymore, but I have constant reminders of her which hurts. She wasn't there for my HS graduation or wedding. She won't be there for my college graduation or the birth of my children. There is so much I don't know about her that I wanted to ask. Some things i've peiced together some from her family and friends, but there is alot unsaid. There was alot unsettled.
I'm an open person in all other aspects of my life, so I mourn no differantly. I'm very sensative to death. When people pass I lose it. I worked in a nursing home for a while and we had one woman die on my shift. They made me do post mortum care and my heart was sick for weeks. I just felt cold and dark for a long time and I had nightmares for a week.