...shades of grey...

[night faerie]

why do I always start these things on a dark note? Meh, I'm the nightfairy, I'm entitled, right? Geez, what a bitch. Full of myself. On the other hand, why the hell not?

ok so my thing is this: who the hell am I supposed to trust, and just how far?
I just cant... I dont know, in most ways, I'm an open book. I tend not to think before I speak, I dont shy away from intimate questions or conversations, I am who I am. I tend to like people right off, I tend to trust people I like, and I dont tend to censor myself unless I've been betrayed. If something bothers me, I tend to be confrontational. Mostly because I've found a direct route right at the focal point of the issue clears things up quickest, one way or another. I tend to get really involved with things in a mental capacity, and not to get involved with much on an emotional level.

So yeah, so sometimes people betray me. But if it's my friend, I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. As a matter of fact, I can hardly NOT give them chance after chance. Chance to give me lipservice, but not complete honesty. Chance to push me away. Chance to take a little piece of my heart, a little piece of my pride. At this point, I begin to hate myself. Because I am a strong person, I am NOT a doormat. But I value friendship above all else, and I cannot bring myself to let that go, to throw that away. I am NOT afraid of a fight, I am NOT afraid to face the truth. But if someone else holds honesty from me, I am powerless.

Sometimes the best I can do is to remove myself from the situation, just stop trying. At least it gives me a tiny grain of integrity, I'm no longer reaching out, and having my hand slapped away. But I cant turn off my heart. Try as I might. I cant just get angry. I turn my anger only on myself, and then I'm no good to anyone. And I cant turn off the hurt. It's so hard for me to feel anything for anyone, once you're in there, you stay. I wont let that go. If I let myself get any colder, I'll just freeze.

[night faerie]

~sigh~
ok I heard some bad news today. A girl I used to work very closely with, for like 5 years, was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of stomach cancer. She's 2 years older than me, and has 3 very young children. She just had her 3rd child a few weeks ago.

Altho I havent spoken to her in the past year or so, as people drift when they no longer work together, I still love her and am just.... oh, its just terrible, I feel like my skin is crawling these things are so wrong when they happen to certain people. I was told by her aunt that there is not a good prognosis, and she's going for some special treatments, as well as chemo, but her spirits are good.

I'd just like to ask a favor of everyone here who has that special Faith, please send a special prayer, or some healing vibes out to my friend, Christine. Altho my own beliefs may differ from most peoples, I do believe in the power of "prayer" and any sorts of positive vibes in general. Thanks so much to anyone who is willing to send a little moment of strength or healing. ~hugs everyone~

[night faerie]

OMG! I just love autumn! Apples! I like apples. I just melted some caramel (6-7 squares + a teaspoon of water in the microwave for 30 seconds, then stir) and am eating caramel coated apple slices. OMG YUM!! and it smells all crisp and toasted outside. Like even tho the leaves havent turned yet, I can smell it in the wind. :) I love the changing of the seasons. Like the baton being passed from quarter to quarter. Each just in time, just as you're ready to move into something new. Or to move on from something outmoded. I enjoy change. Stagnation bites.

[night faerie]

whoa! what was I thinking? make that like a half a teaspoon water for 6-7 caramels. maybe even a little less.

You know the one thing that I dont like about autumn? It makes me want horses. and maybe a farm or something. a cabin in the woods. ~sigh~

~muches apple~
:)

[night faerie]

lol, you know, I read some of your posts in Deep Thoughts or in your Reflections, and I remember when I was young and had such deep interest in things. When it was all I ever wanted to do to read and read and read and observe everything and plunge my brain as far into philosophy, psychology, sociology, anthropology, geology, etc etc as deep as I could. To test my own brain and see how far it would go.

Now that I'm older I just dont have as much mental energy. Or the attention span. I try sometimes but I have to have the time and inclination. I skim things much more than I ever would have when I was young. I wonder if this is normal or if its just me. How many things I wonder, is it like this for everyone or is it just me?

Why does it bother me so much, getting older? As a teenager, I felt just right. I felt like I fit in my skin, in my mind, in my enviornment. As I've gone further away from that time, I've found myself feeling more and more out of sorts, my body doesnt respond to things the way it "should" (the way it used to), my mental capacity, forget it, I think too much and constantly have to remind myself to feel my instincts and not to overthink my decisions. I dont reflect enough, I dont look deep enough. I forget things. My enviornment, geez, I spend so much of my life at work it confounds me. My LIFE waits on hold until 5pm, FIVE DAYS a week. It's absurd. I have to fit my life into the schedule of my work.

~sigh~ It probably is like this to some extent, for everyone. But I do let the number get to me. I glare at it, I spit on it, I resent it. I tell myself its just a number, it doesnt matter. But then I let it matter.

As always, I am my own worst enemy.

[night faerie]

k I'm really sorry about not being around this week, its been... well, its been another one of those weeks.

Monday was crazy hectic, worked late, then lots of laundry.
Tuesday was work then a surprize 30th birthday party for one of my best friends.
Wednesday I spent too much time looking at flights from here to San Diego for Thanksgiving, before deciding spontaneously to stop thinking about it, and I just booked a flight. (see you soon, Tatum ;) And you too, Amelia, if you're around :) ) THEN it took me till about 12:30 to catch up on the MB here.
Tonight of course was bar-after-work night, then I came home & watched ER and then had to make cookies cause tomorrow is a coworkers birthday.
Tomorrow right after work I have to go to a wedding, and Saturday, am having some of the girls from work come over to bake and get high. :)

Lots of fun, but I'm neglecting you a bit, so I am sorry about that. :(

~hugs to all and to all a goodnight~ :)

[night faerie]

kay kids, I'm off to California tomorrow :) I'm rather excited about the flight, I enjoy flying. Six whole hours where I dont have to do anything? NICE :) I have a couple of books, a couple of CDs, my journal, and I'll nap a bit, too. It'll be fun. And I'll be back Sunday eve, my flight lands at midnight. I love flying over NY at night, the lights are gorgeous! I'll try to check in when I can, and of course I'll miss you guys. ~hugs to all~

~wanders off to pack~

[night faerie]

isnt it funny, how life brings you back, full circle? I have been here before, its quite odd, it was a turning point, it was home. Was. ~sigh~ I have been here before, and I left. However, finding myself here again, I must wonder, is my time here not complete? Was there more, I was supposed to realize? to accomplish? Answers, always seeking answers where there are none.

Answers, who really has them? We all seek, we all are denied. You'd think we'd learn not to ask.

Its too fragile, its too fractal, its too frantic. Life. One life, an ecocosm, it doesnt matter, its all the same. Heh. It IS all the same. None of it matters, really. You'll be who you are. If you're lucky, if you're good. Past that, it doesnt matter a whit. Scary shit.

[night faerie]

just got in. I do love flying over NY at night. The lights look like glittery golden rivers, its incredible. Flickering, Alive. Then, as you descend, it looks like billions of candles burning, kind of like that old thing about leaving a candle in the window, it welcomes me home. :love: Ah, to sleep in my own bed... bliss!

[night faerie]

Holidays. It's like this every year.

It's not that my family doesnt think much about me, its that my family doesnt think about me much.

~sigh~ I let it mean more to me than is reasonably healthy. I'd have cut them all off long ago out of spite if it werent for the next generation, up and coming. Cut THEM off and its me who loses. Hell, I'm lost anyway, who am I kidding, heh.

Still, I try to hard and I set myself up for disappointment. I'll buy too much, I'll bake too much, I'll spend way too much time being sure I'm wearing the perfect thing, my makeup's just right. And for what? Meh. I'll drive home feeling empty, and weary and melancholy.

Holidays. It's like this every year.

[night faerie]

its late again, 3:30am, and I dont wanna go to bed. ~pouts~ I have work tomorrow, and a busy week, with Mesaana & co. coming to visit and work and New Years and all. And yet, here I sit. :)

Night is good.
Night is comfort in cold shadows.
Night is darkness, sillhouetted in stars.
Night is when my kindred convene.
Night is when they lift their voices, proclaim themselves to the universe,
when they dance to their own heartbeat, and find themselves free.
Night is me.

[night faerie]

I always feel a little especially lonely when my friends go home. :(
We all had a wonderful time, I think you should all come to NY for New Years from now on. :D
Anyway, I miss you guys. ~sigh~
~hugs pillow~

[night faerie]

still feeling the last remnants of alcohol tonight. Again, I sit, quarter to 7 am, not wanting sleep. I want. I want something, more. Something bigger. Something meaningful.

~smiles to self, in thought~ you know, I am blessed to know you guys. I really am. Home is only as good as those who welcome you, and you always make me feel welcome. Even when I dont have time to spend, to post, to keep up with things. I see who is around, who's been around, and I feel warmed. Less alone in this absurd world. Anyway, I ramble, but what I really mean is thanks.

Perhaps someday, I will find a way to contribute. To leave this world a little more resonant, a little richer, a little more beautiful, than it was before I entered. Maybe not, but I hope so. So many, many people come and go, and you and I, we do not know. We do not see, we do not feel their contributions. Still, I hope.

There is a painting hanging over my desk. It is a dark and moody rendering of a rainy day, a street with trees that have withering leaves and gaslamps; a single cart selling something to a few faceless people. It is beautiful, wistful, nostalgic, full of promise and anonymity. I took it when my parents moved out of state. I dont know who created it, but whoever did lives on, every time someone gazes at this painting, unable to look away, caught in that moment, in that pregnant promise.

[night faerie]

I never liked my hands. Always thought they were too short and stubby and wide. For some reason, lately, I find that with my nails all even, and without my rings, they're not so bad. Almost even girly.

My face has always opened doors. Hell, my face has been known to blow doors off their hinges. I never really felt connected to it, tho. I've always felt connected to the power; but when I catch myself in the mirror I think hmmm.... I dont really look like that, do I? I've always felt dark, but my features are very fair. I feel like my hair is blue black, my cheekbones are higher, my nose smaller, my eyes bigger, and so dark you can barely see the brown in them. It's a bizarre detachment, one I've never been able to fully explain.

Eyes are the windows to the soul, huh? Well, my windows are fogged. Sometimes I look into myself, in the mirror, inward, and even I cant see past the ice.

Image is everything, anyway. There are days when I just want to fade into the woodwork. I turn my light on low, and then hide it within a dark jacket, and people dont notice me. When I feel unworthy, I am ignored, or scorned. When I am ON, I can do anything. Heh, you can ask anyone who's met me irl, I can do Anything. Doesnt matter if you believe me or not, its true.

I used to be singleminded in my image of myself. Of the person I wanted to be, the me I presented to the world. Now, I want too much. I want to be too many things, and often these things conflict. And sometimes, I falter. I'm not sure which persona to put on in situations. And I dont care as much about what others see in me. So often, I just wing it. I live a little off the cuff. Dont think about myself all that much. Which is fine in individual situations, but within Me, it sometimes causes confusion. When I take the time to think about who I am now, I'm just not sure.

Is a person the sum of his/her actions?
his/her desires?
his/her aspirations?
his/her emotion?
his/her intellect?

If part of me wants to have a family, a garden, a house full of animals and wild children, but part of me wants to travel the world, write my memoirs, live a wild life myself and spend my winter years in solitude and seclusion, and die quiet and alone, who am I?

[night faerie]

I think the way one wants to die maybe says a lot about them.

I've always thought I'd like to outlive my friends. I hate the thought of losing them, but would never dream of leaving them.

[night faerie]

Thx to Dregs, I now know that I am a:

Chaotic Good Elf Druid Ranger
Follower Of Rillifane Rallathil

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Deity:
Rillifane Rallathil is the Chaotic Good elven god of woodlands and nature. He is also known as the Leaflord, the Wild One, and the Great Oak. He is appears as a huge oak tree. His followers believe that everyone should be free to spend their lives doing what nature has meant them to, and they protect the forests from those who would abuse them. Their preferred weapon is the quarterstaff. Rillifane Rallathil's symbol is an oak tree.

[night faerie]

...hmmm... throughout our lives, we accomplish many things. Regardless of intent or aspiration, we do stuff. Then we move on to trudge along, until all of a sudden, there it is, we've done something else.

Each plateau reached is on a different plane, a little higher, than the last, and we, unwittingly wandering upwards. But what of those of us who wish to stay closer to the ground?

I've never really wanted to advance, to arise, to accomplish anything in Their world of money and acquisition and christmas bonuses and doing their kids' homework and newly modeled kitchens and SUVs and promotions and cellphones and weekly shopping sprees.

ok, ok I AM getting to a point, albeit the long way (what else would you expect? :rolleyes: ) Thing is, I get to these plateaus, where I do things I never thought I'd ever do, never thought I'd ever want to do. But it leads me to do other stuff I never thought I'd want to do, and the next thing I know, I'm wondering if this means I've sold out, if this means that I'm slowly crossing over and becoming one of Them. :(

First, I bought my apartment. I would have been happy just renting like a normal person, but this place was the only place that would allow me to keep my dog, so ok, I bought an apartment. Laid down like $10,000, :eek: just about everything I'd saved for the last six months before my folks moved across the country and now I have a mortgage. Weird. Then I get a computer, a cellphone, a CD player, a DVD player, a retirement plan. Now I'm thinking about buying a house, a peice of land, having some kids. WTF??? Who AM I becoming? I'm drifting further and further from who I think that I am. Why? What is it that I'm becoming? I dont want to forsake who I have always been, where I come from, what I believe. But somehow Life makes you do it anyway.

I guess I'm just Life's bitch. Nah, thats too easy, making excuses. Gah! I need to figure some stuff out. One of these days...

[night faerie]

gah! In the immortal words of Cameron Crowe, "Time is running out to do something bizarre. Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes... immature." Well, ok, I'm way past 25 but I still think I have time. Time. I mean I have some time but I dont have forever, and I dont want to waste it. I'm always thinking how great my life is, that I have no restrictions, the whole world is within my reach. Great, but then so I have to reach for something, right?

I want to DO SOMETHING. WTF???

[night faerie]

heh, I'm awfully popular when people want things. All my friends call me when they want something done. I just wish sometimes they'd call anyway.

[night faerie]

Sometimes it seems like there's sunrise and sunset, two magical times when everything is alive and in motion, and the day and night stands still between them. But this is my illusion. Always, it is our own humanity that fails us. Our connection to the Divine, however mysterious and illogical, always rings true.

[night faerie]

I've told you about my friend with the stomach cancer. She's not doing well. They removed most of her stomach. They tested what they removed and 4 out of 10 nodes tested positive. They are treating her very aggressively with chemo and radiation. They are basically trying to kill all her cells, with the hope that she'll run out of cancerous cells before she runs out of vital ones. The type of cancer she has only rates a 20% survival rate to begin with. She's writing letters to her kids, ages 6, 4, and less than a year. She's not talking to anyone. She's only a year & a half older than me. She was my mentor. I cant imagine this world without her. Unfair doesnt even come close.

[night faerie]

what do you get for someone who is dying?
This is not a rhetorical question, please pm me if you have any ideas.
She likes receiving things in the mail. I've sent her a box of stuff for her kids, to keep them busy, tapes and coloring books & puzzles & things, and I've sent her the random "thinking of you" type card.
I know she likes inspirational sayings & things, I've looked at a few books, but they all seem to be "look to the future" type things, and frankly right now she may not have a future so I dont want to send her anything that will bring her further down. I'm afraid to send her anything "get well" oriented for the same reason. She's religious but I'm not sure exactly what form of Christianity she practices, but I know its important enough to her that I wouldnt want to get her the wrong type of thing. (I've seen bible quote books for spiritual uplifting, but I just dont know)
~sigh~
any suggestions, and as always, prayers, are appreciated (so much)

[night faerie]

thanks, Dregs, now I'll be thinking in Ho-down for the next few days :rolleyes:

(continuation of Dregs' Accounts Payable Hodown, altho really its Accounts Receivables ;) )

Now I am a collector, and I enjoy what I pursue
cause if I've got your number, then you've not paid your due
A bad Mark on your credit report, even all the while
I'll never raise my voice, nor break my sweet fake smile

[night faerie]

My apartment is made of brick. The brick has detached from the walls in some places, creating crevices where critters can sometimes enter. I've been luckier than my neighbors, no squirrels in the walls for me. However, a bird has laid her eggs in the upper corner crevice outside my bedroom window.

I enjoy watching her flutter to and from her nest, checking on things, chasing off curious invaders (suitors?). I love to hear her wings whisper softly on my air conditioner when she lands. I love to watch her head tilt this way and that as she leans out of the crevice to watch the world. I will love waking up to insistent chittering and crying when the babies finally hatch. (this happened last summer, too).

Its funny, the different perceptions of "reality". Some people consider this, the quill, the internet, an escape from reality. Some consider this the reality, a place where people communicate directly from mind to mind. Some consider reality a place where grown up people in suits pay bills, get mortgages, have kids, go to Disney on summer vacations in their minivans and SUVs.

My idea of real life is with the birds. Its the place where you guard against invaders, you assess threats, you spend your life searching for food, building shelter, watching the kids, teaching them to fly. Its where you search the sky for danger, for weather changes, for the changing seasons. That is real. The rest... all of this... electrical gadgets, traffic, suits, businesses, summer vacations... this is all a creation of our imaginations. Something we've had to construct to occupy our time because we no longer have to spend our lives staying alive.

[night faerie]

~sigh~ tonight is a bust. All that stuff on wotism about the "wotism vs quill" it bothers me. Instinctively I want to air my feelings about it, the truth as I see it, but mostly that would just be to make me feel better and maybe wouldnt accomplish anything productive anyway. I hate being misunderstood, or misinterpreted.

Let me just say this: Out of the two sites, it truly doesnt bother me that any one has a preference between the two. Hang where you like, just dont be mean to the other place just cause you dont like it as much.
I think its groovy that people feel comfortable posting on both sites. I wish I did. I try to post stuff there, hoping it'll get more comfortable to post there if I post more often, but truth is, I seldom find I have anything to add to their conversations. Which is fine, when I have something to say, I say it, if not, I dont. I had felt like that for a while before the Quill and it was part of what inspired me to create a new place.

Meh, there was a point to this, but I'm tired and going to bed. If anyone thinks is in poor taste or that it might start trouble that I've posted this, let me know & I'll delete it. It was more for my own peice of mind anyway.

"BE KIND, BUT NOT FALSE" ...sir archely

[night faerie]

You know, I was going to delete that last post today, until I checked my reputation tonight. (yes, I keep it disabled b/c I dont care for the whole who's got more points than who thing. but I love the little notes from people, so I check it ever so often.) In some ways, rep responses are more personal than just a responding post.

Anyway, I am totally surprized by all the responses I got from that post. I feel better about it now, I felt a little weird about it before.

But mostly, this entire post is to thank all of you who have given me rep. Not for the points, but for the words of encouragement, and validation, fun and friendship. It means a lot to me, and I hope I'm able to return in kind. Thanks. :)

[night faerie]

:( I had to drop Em (my dog) off at the vet's today. For those of you who dont know, she has a hematoma in one of her ears and the vet hoped it would resolve on its own but it didnt and now its HUGE (her ear is probably about an inch and a quarter thick, where its usually about a centimeter at most, swollen all the way to the tip). It's painful and she was super miserable all weekend. About the most pitiful thing I've seen. :( She's got shepard ears, so usually they both stand up but now only one stands up and the other's at a downward 45 degree angle. My poor Em.

So now she needs to have it surgically drained. It's a fairly simple and routine procedure, but very messy, cause it'll need a couple days to fully drain, and about 3 weeks till the stitches come out. Because she's a dog, they have to put her out. Then they'll have her doped up and they'll keep her at the vet's for a couple days. If she recoups well, we should be able to pick her up on Wednesday.

So I have no dog for a couple days. :( It's so weird. I have been going to this vet for like 25 years so I have total faith that she's in the best hands possible, but its still ... ~sigh~ weird. :( The place feels empty. I know this is the best thing to do, and she'll feel so much better once its done, but... still... :(

[night faerie]

k well I wasnt sure where to post this, I guess this is as good a place as any.

my birthday is this week. I'm going out to dinner, then I'd really like to spend the evening chatting with some of my favorite friends.

So if anyone can manage it, meet me in chat Tuesday evening, just cause.

[night faerie]

~sigh~ this week, these past couple of weeks, maybe, time escapes me. I dont know where it goes. We have a new girl at work. I'm training her. It's taking a lot out of me. A lot of energy. I like the new girl. But yeah, it's taking a lot. I'm not getting as much done as I should be. Management's still complaining about stupid things they dont understand because it's too complicated to hold their attention. :rolleyes:

Falcon Ridge Folk Fest is in 6 days (leaving next Thursday am) and I've all these things I need to do... pack, patch my favorite jeans, go to the dermatologist, clean the apt, massive amounts of laundry (why, oh why is it endless?) ... stock up on things, citronella candles, munchies, etc, etc... ~sigh~ I'm still getting these headaches.

And on top of it all, I havent been around here as much as I'd like. :grumbles:

I miss you.

~sigh~

[night faerie]

I hate this day. Chaos at work. They're going to fire the new girl on Monday and hire someone else. I need someone solid to work under me, to hold things steady while I do... stuff. :rolleyes:

My parents kept calling me at work. They're flying in a week from tomorrow to visit. My dad hasnt made reservations for a hotel yet. They cant stay with me cause my dad cant make the steps in & out of my apt anymore. My mom got mad and apparently stuff like this has been happening a lot and then my mom calls me and tells me she doesnt want to be married to him anymore if this is going to be how he is. :umm: They've been married since '67. NOW she doesnt know if she wants it? Geez.

Then I got home and found that my dog has fleas. :dozey: I immediately ran out and got flea bath and chrono vacuumed the whole house and we gave her a bath and then did tons of laundry, sheets and stuff. She still has a couple of fleas, I'll have to go to pick up a flea collar tomorrow before I go to visit Eric in the hospital.

Eric is doing well but in crazy pain. Living on morphine. They saved his leg. They reconstructed his whole heel and ankle, and he's got tons of plates and screws and hardware in his left leg, holding everything together. He'll be in the hospital for at least a couple of months. I went to see him Tuesday and caught his whole family, the two warring sides, and the attorney, all there going over things.

Apparently he was driving his motorcycle straight and someone driving in the opposite direction made a left turn and broadsided him, breaking the bike in two and almost killing Eric & his gf, Lisa.

By the grace of God (or Goddess, or whatever) there was another car waiting to turn and the driver was and EMT. He called 911 and dragged Eric & Lisa out of the middle of the intersection and even went with them to the hospital.

Craziness, huh? Yeah, well. Such is Life.

I called a few people tonight to pour my heart out but noone's home. :grumbles:

[night faerie]

I went to a wake/funeral today for a friend's mom. The pastor officiating was just like James Brown and wore an ankh. ( <edit> spelling error, thx, wigg)
anyway... friend's dad is also a preacher. He gave a lovely eulogy-thing. He said,
"God is a forgiving God. and if you ask his forgiveness, he will forgive you instantly. And if 10 minutes later, you refer to the thing you did that you had to ask forgiveness for... God will say, What are you talking about?"
He also said,
"People may not forgive you, but God always will."
"People may not think much of you, but to God, you are precious.
People may think you're ugly, but to God, you are precious."
Great stuff, that.

Also, he told us the family knows she is in a better place and needs no prayer. (She is known as a "Prayer Warrior". Great title, that!) The family needs prayers. So please, those of you who do, say a prayer for my friend and his family, to help them through this difficult time.

~hugs all quillers~ You guys are a great group and we're so blessed to have each other.

[night faerie]

A well lived life is an act in balance. Now I dont mean a well lived life in the sense of lived to the fullest, altho there are those who would argue that is the only way to live a well lived life. I mean lived with the best of intention, lived to the best of our ability. To strive for greatness.

I am constantly at odds with myself. The most difficult tasks I undertake are always those to which I call myself to judgement.

To live life as tho today is my last, for surely it could be. I must balance this, somehow, with living in preparation for my next 50 years, for tis just as likely I will continue on another 50 years or more. How much do I put into a retirement fund? I will save, but not at the expense of an enjoyable now.

To balance the idealist in me with the realist in me. Politics is difficult for me because I want to support the policies which would benefit best, but I must balance that with what is most likely accomplished. (ie it doesnt matter that Bob is the best one for the job if I'm the only one who votes for him)

I trust people to pay me what they owe, I trust people to keep my secrets, I trust people to do what they say they will do and to be where they say they will be. I do not trust people with my heart. Or at least the fortress is strong, albeit not inpenetrable.

I have a job where I am skilled and respected, but it is no longer challenging or stimulating. It pays me well but is spiritually dissatisfying. I want to buy a house, but would have to take a paycut if I change careers. What do I do?

All these things, and many many more, run through my head every day. I look into my heart, and try to balance it with what is in my logical mind. Sometimes I am too weary to care, but mostly, I try. I try.

[night faerie]

oi. I took four injections into the back of my neck today, in an attempt to dissuade the mad migraines that have plagued me these past years, and these past weeks in particular. I am just SO tired of taking pills. Anyway, two shots just below my hairline, and two just above my shoulders. It was weird, injections into the muscle, you can feel the liquid shooting into your body, kind of creepy. The pain doesnt phase me, but the oogy feeling of outside stuff being shot into your insides, it's .... really weird. Hopefully it works. Right now, my shoulders and neck kind of feel like I've either just lifted too many weights or I have a touch of whiplash. Sleeping should be fun. :rolleyes:

[night faerie]

It's coming upon me again, like a sharp, cold wind. This... feeling... mania... it sweeps through me leaving a trail of adranalyn in its wake. Sometimes I am forced to drink or self-medicate, to tolerate the welling of it inside me. With no outlet, it threatens to tear me apart, push me over the edge of sanity, or at the very least reduce me to anguished tears of dispair.
~takes a breath~

[night faerie]

"WE ARE SHAPED BY THOSE WHO LOVE US
AND THOSE WHO REFUSE TO LOVE US"

Who said that? I forget.

It is so strange, how different we all are. I dont mean our views, our opinions. I mean our souls. Our core, our essence, our meaning.

It is so wrong when someone you love, someone who loves you, refuses to be a part of your life. Even stranger to learn, after all these years, why.

I dont understand people who shy away from pain. Who fear truth, or its unveiling.

This... whole thing... that I cannot really share fully here, and I apologize for that... its tearing me up, ripping up my whole concept of reality and... I fear my usual confrontational nature must be stifled on this account. I need to get it out, to deal with it, but to do so might shut a door in my life that I'm not really willing to shut forever. This may have to live as a shadow on my heart.

[night faerie]

My Crazy Uncle died today. :( Many of you know the saga, he's been ill, in a home, he's in a better place now, yadda yadda yadda.

The service is tomorrow at 9:30am in Staten Island which is a pain to get to from here. I'm his only relative on the east side of the country, and the only one willing to make the effort to go. Thing is, I just got back from missing 7 days of work, missed another day today for jury duty.

I want to go to be there for him, but he's gone, so what does it matter to him now? Plus its not like I was there for him this past year, havent seen him in almost a year and a half, who do I think I am that it would matter now? If I dont go, I have to call the rabbi to tell him not to hold the service, no family will be coming. :( :cry:

I dont know what to do...

[night faerie]

Wow, cant believe I havent posted here since November. Time is an odd thing, indeed. ~nods~

Anyway, I was reading Lyle's reflection thread and it got me thinking. He was saying he got into fantasy stuff in part because its a great escape. See, that makes sense, but its not why I got into fantasy.

I got into fantasy because I believe in (most of) it. I believe in magick and faeries and dragons and elves and dwarves and wizards and sorcerers and the eternal struggle between good and evil. I believe that it was, is and will forever be. I've believed for as long as I can remember.

I recall being about 8 years old and thinking to myself, could I be wrong? Could there be no such thing as magic and magical creatures? Is it possible they never existed and it's all just stories made up by humans for entertainment? I pondered this for a while, and just could not convince myself it was true. Whatever it is that we have inside us that tells us what we believe in, would not let me disbelieve.

In that same way that some believe in God, I believe in magic. I believe that God (my interpretation of God, anyway) has filled this earth with magic in the same way he has filled it with green trees and blue skies and puffy clouds. It's like in the same way that Love loves through us. Anyone who understands that last bit gets a gold star. ;)

Everything is in constant motion, down to the very molecules that comprise us. Eternal energy distribution. The earth, elements, emotions, stars, seas, disease, all in an eternal dance. Dancing for no good reason. Just cause. All we have to do is keep up.

[night faerie]

My favorite local radio station (http://www.wfuv.org/)
You can listen on the computer :) Today they're having Three for Thursdays. :)

[night faerie]

ok those of you who know me well will know how freaky this is.

Last night, chrono & I were at an easter-egg coloring party at the house of a friend of chrono's that he grew up with. So me & this friend of his have met only a handful of times and are still kind of in that getting to know you phase.

Very late into the evening, sometime after two, he's saying something and all of a sudden he says,
"Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live."
and I'm like, "WAIT a sec, WHAT did you just say?"
He's all, "Huh?" 'cause he was pretty well into the second bottle of wine and a few shots of scotch and was just kind of talking stream of conciousness. So I'm like, "Was that Dorothy Parker?" and he's all "What?" and I'm like, "Did you just quote Dorothy Parker?" and he's all like, "WHOA!" and I'm like, "Wow. That's scary." and he's all like, "Nobody has ever recognised that." And I'm all, "Dorothy Parker is like my favorite poet." and he's like, "Woah, man, this is freaky. Me too." and then we were both like, "Whoa. Freaky."

I'm still a little amazed about it. She LIVES! :D

[night faerie]

Note to self:

Music I want to buy:
Richard Shindell
Kathleen Edwards
Youth Gone Wild
Bright Eyes
Joss Stone

[night faerie]

I feel something. It troubles me. It's something ... cosmic... something in the air... something's brewing...

In Other News... the next phase of my life looms and I'm not sure which path to take. This, too, troubles me.

In Even Other News... I seem to be making an awful lot of mental notes of late. I keep wanting to write stuff down, and am always in the midst of some semblence of chaos which keeps me maliciously away from pens and paper. :grumbles:

[night faerie]

man, life is funny as hell. Every now and again, my body decides to throw me a curveball. Sadly, it happens more often than you'd think. Like two minutes ago, I had an itch on the back of my shoulder. I reached over absentmindedly to scratch, and I felt something... odd. For a sec, I thought it was just the scarred edges of my tatoo, but then I felt it a little more carefully and thought... hmm. Odd, that. So I walked into the bathroom to take a look in the mirror. There's a little bubble, sort of eliptically shaped, over the tatoo and part of the uninked skin. Its just like a little bubble, not red or itchy or anything. The tat is like six years old, nothing new. Freakin' weird body. Always something. :rolleyes:

Of course, this is not what I sat down to write, but whatever it was, its lost in the moment. Damn, another moment swept away in the always blowin' breeze of life. I know, I know, I overdramatize. What else is new?

I know I keep saying there's something there.... but really there is. I feel like there's something to be written inside me, and I keep waiting for it to come out, but then when it lurks just below the surface, I cant find a pen, or I'm driving or something. Hmph. Always something. :dozey:

[night faerie]

twelve times six and purpled greens
diamond carrier pigeoned trees
if the six traded barbs
with blue and rampant lightning scars
do you think the trees would care?
or would they just keep standing there?

[night faerie]

Oh! I had an epiphany. :D She said she didnt see in me what everyone else saw, why everyone likes me so much. It bugged me a little, till tonight, when I realized why. It's because she doesnt believe in faeries, she doesnt believe in magick! Of course, so it is, that she cannot sense mine. And that is fine, and now that I get it, it doesnt bother me at all. :) All is right with the world once again. ~giggles~





Home. What a wonderful place this is, this Enchanted Quill, this Home among friends. It is the place I go when first I wake, and last before sleep, and I carry inside me the comfort and confidence that comes from having a place to belong, even if it's a place among the phreaks. ;)

[night faerie]

lol, I'm going to personally save Lyle's reflections thread. :) Because I love him, and there should always be a permanent copy of his innermost thoughts and feelings. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering how I could perhaps change the mainpage to show the site name "Enchanted Lyle".

~jealously guards power and privilege and reprimands Lyle, cautions him as well~

[night faerie]

I dont know if I've ever officially (read: outside of chat) mentioned this, but do you realize that Quillfest was borne of Falcon Ridge? I never really put it together like this in my head but it's true, all good things come from Falcon Ridge. :)

When I went to Falcon Ridge Folk Festival in 2002, it was my 5th Falcon Ridge, the year I went alone. I wound up camping with strangers at Camp Dar, a group of Dar Williams fans who always camp together and keep in touch through the year via the internet. As they gathered in a circle and laughed at all their inside jokes & things, I kept going back in my head to you guys, to all the thousands of hours in chat, to all the good and fun. I kept thinking, oh man, how fun would it be to gather my internet friends around a campfire and chat in person. I came back home inspired and determined and began to pester my friends about coming to NY the following year to accompany me to Falcon Ridge. :)

And as they say, the rest is history. :)
2003: Quillfest: The Prelude: NY
2004: Quillfest: New Orleans
2005: Quillfest: Canadia
2006: Quillfest: Australia
2007: Quillfest: ???


In Other News: I just woke from a nap in which I dreamt we were all dragons. Reading, writing, internet-loving Dragons. ~giggles~ :p Good stuff, that.

[night faerie]

You know, its something I've struggled with these past two years or so. I'm 32 years old now. We've been married 5 years now. I definately never wanted to get married and pregnant right away. It's good now. We're at a really good place in our marriage now. We're solid.

But you know... time goes on and I'm not getting any younger. I was an only child and Hated it. So I dont want to do that to another child. If I only wanted one, I could afford to wait. Everyone says, 'when you're ready you'll know', but I dont think I can afford to wait. Besides, I think I'm too scared, asking myself too many unanswerable questions, to really ever feel ready.

I dont Not want it now... I could probably comfortably wait a few more years but realistically, there are age/health concerns to keep in mind, so now is probably the best time. Maybe sometime in between Quillfest Canadia and QuillfestAustralia?

But yeah, I'm petrified. TERRIFIED. :umm: Everything about it scares the hell out of me. What if it's not healthy? What if pregnancy does horrible unhealthy things to my body? What if I'm a terrible mom? What if it's a terrible kid? What if we cant afford a nice house with a yard? What if we cant help our kid with it's homework? What if our kid refuses to leave home when it grows up? What if we cant afford to raise a family in NY? What if I've already waited too long and my parents wont be around to watch my children grow?

BUT I have to have some faith in the universe. I've always tried not to make life decisions based on fear, and really at this point, I guess thats the biggest thing keeping me from making this one. So... time to take the blind leap into the void? Time to change everything? It's a really really hard decision to make. I mean, I like my life. A lot. Why mess with a good thing?

~sigh~ Life. Never easy, and as always, I am my own worst enemy. :rolleyes:

[night faerie]

its that moment again, the time between time when I slip from the room and noone notices. It's a good time. A time for reflections, a time for a midnight muse. A time for promise and a time for sorrow, a time for celebration and a time for fear.

Everyone's here, in Mecca. Where they all belong. This is Home. I wish all of you could visit, in your own time, and discover the wonders of being truly Home, with a true family. As always, I am in awe, bathing in The Love.

~sigh~

Tomorrow, begins The Leaving. I dont want it. I wrap myself in denial and try to imprint myself with the moment. THIS is what my life should be directed towards.

PS - oh, and :nf: made me catch my breath with the impact of it. I am humbled and grateful. Wow.

[night faerie]

so my friend who was in the motorcycle accident? his mom died this weekend. :( The funeral is tomorrow am. I cant believe she's gone and I know the service will get to me. She was the mother of two of my good friends but she was my friend too. She was a mentor to me when I was young. I've known her since I was sixteen. sixteen years. funny how time goes on. and now she's gone.

**************************************************

Anna was a VERY strong, formidable woman. She was fiercely independent and lived life very much on her own terms. She never comprimised her convictions, never made excuses for her choices, never apologized for her lifestyle.

She loved as fiercely as she lived. Anna would go absolutely to the ends of the earth for her children. She loved animals and they always surrounded her with the same unconditional love which was the only sort of love she herself was capable of.

Anna leaves this world a little grayer, a little quieter, for her passing. She raised the stakes, and forced the world to come to meet her on HER terms. I hope I can continue to pass on some of the wisdom which she imparted to me, that she may live on.

[night faerie]

so right. I'm really glad I went to the funeral today. I cried a lot after the services, but I needed to say goodbye. She was so much more than my friends' mom, she was my friend.

She believed in me when I was young and foolish and my own family thought me a lost cause. She shared her own pain with me this past year when Eric was in the hospital, and in her final weeks. She had the most amazingly open and childish grin.

She was the first adult I think to speak to me like a person and not a kid. She made me my first real grown up drink, lol, we drank White Russians in the backyard around the pool on a hot day after we got back from bringing Eric to court when I was 17.

You know, I never called her Anna. Not ever, I always called her mom. The boys asked that any donations made in her name go to a local no-kill animal shelter, and I think that would have made her very pleased.

A close friend of her is an opera singer and sang in Hebrew at the service and it was absolutely gorgeous. I want music at my funeral service. Music is the key. ;)

I kept seeing things flying today. During the service in the chapel-thing, a tiny piece of white fuzz floated up in front of me, I dont think anyone else even noticed it, but it just kept floating, back & forth, and up, up and away. Then I saw a dragonfly at the cemetary, and a bee. I think Anna is flying now. Flying free and easy and at peace.

[night faerie]

Disclaimer: This post contains only questions. If you're looking for answers to these or other questions, I must advise that you look elsewhere.

Isnt it great when someone else's reflections inspire reflections of your own? :)

ok inspired by Lexi's mention of the whole "Live fast Die young" life motto.
I myself adopted an interpretation of this theory when I was young. Not looking for death, not holding onto a deathwish, it was more like an assumption. My lifestyle did not hold fast to long lifespans, and I accepted that. It helped me to live in the moment, and therefore I do feel that my youth was lived to the fullest. However...

What happens to the "...better to burn out than to fade away..." individual when he/she lives beyond his/her expected lifespan? I mean, ok, so all of a sudden, you find yourself in your thirties, forties, fifties, when you never expected you'd be there. I'm not even talking about lifeplans or retirement plans, what does such a thing do to one's self image?

It's all well and good to have a youthful mindset, but that alone does not make one young. It would be irresponsible not to adopt certain mature attitudes. For ex: drinking till you get sick is one of those things in your teens and twenties, in your thirties it becomes... dumb.

With an idiopathic onset, you find yourself acting like "the caretaker" amongst your group of friends. If your friends are finding themselves about to get into a barfight, you instinctively step up to diffuse the situation. When did I begin to avoid conflict instead of embracing it? What sort of a person does this make me? Am I losing my edge? With age, becomes moderation. When you define yourself as one who pushes the limits, this sort of evolution of character throws your whole self image into a maelstrom of confusion.

hmmm... yeah. just a thought.

[night faerie]

I was lucky enough to see him play a handful of times before his death.
Today is the 10th anniversary of Jerry Garcia's death. :( But he lives in our hearts and he sings through our voices and he plays through our stereos and at many concerts and festivals in spirit. We love you, We miss you, We hold you in our hearts forever. :nf: :love:

"Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
This is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you -
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too

Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day
I know it's been seen before
through other eyes on other days
while going home -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through

Just a box of rain -
wind and water -
Believe it if you need it,
if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower -
Wind and rain -
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame
It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there"

[night faerie]

Reflections is very popular lately. Also I notice that many of us are moving into new phases in our lives. College, new apartments, new living arrangements, new lives. It's really, really wonderful to be able to be here to watch you all grow and evolve and live. It's really a blessing to be a part of it, and I am grateful to you for letting me, for letting us, be a part of it.

I was thinking today, while driving home, about growing older. About this new phase in my life. It's a very new perspective at this age, a way of looking at life that I could not have predicted. It's like life is round like the earth, and as you age, you move around it. So you see your past both smaller, as it gets further away, and you see it in a broader light, you understand the age you used to be much more clearly than you did when you were that age. Also, the line of peripheral vision increases also, so somehow when you're older, you can see more of where you've been, but also more of where you are.

(You understand other people younger than you more clearly than they see themselves too and you know you cant share that with them. It's one of those things that you understand instinctually but doesnt come with adjectives or nouns to explain. ~sigh~ :rolleyes: )

************************************************** *****
In other news, this whole question of a child is again on the table.
My most intense fears about having a kid right now revolve around money. Being able to afford a house, not to mention the actual cost of feeding & clothing a kid.

The immense responsibility of all the crap you have to buy to have a kid, the clothes shopping and the toys all over the house, the diapers and the laundry and having to feed my kid formula, (which seems so very creepy and unnatural), because I cant afford to not work and the kid will need to eat when I'm not around to feed it. THESE are the things that seriously make me doubt whether I should have one.

The raising of the kid, the moral, the spiritual aspect, the interactions, the love, the ability to raise a healthy productive creative member of society, the socialization, the discipline, these things I feel I can handle at this point in my life.

But because of all that other crap, the bloody money, I dont know if I should. On one hand, I Hate to make any important decision like this based solely on money, I think it's wrong to let the almighty dollar be that influential in my life, but on the other hand, people shouldnt have kids if they cant afford to raise them right and well, in this instance anyway, I am people.

This stuff bothers me. A lot. I really dont know what to do about it. I need to make the right decision before it's too late and the decision is made for me.

[night faerie]

ok, it's SO freaky sometimes to really suddenly realize there are greater forces at work in our lives. Freaky in a good way, tho. A whole bunch of stuff just collided for me and all of a sudden, makes such cosmically perfect sense.

ok, so I went to my journal to transpose a couple poems I wrote while at Quillfest over to my computer file. I hadnt read them since being at Quillstead and when I read them over, I was impressed, lol. It's so aMAZing when the magick from a moment flows right through the ink and impresses itself in paper, capturing a picture of a moment, like a scent, reminding you of happier times. You all are such a terribly inspiring group, I do some of my best work when influenced by your positive and complex blend of personal energies. :nf:

So I'm flipping the pages and I come upon the last page from while in Canada and it was a couple of doodles. One of them in particular just jumped off the page at me and told me it wants to be my next tatoo. So I'm looking at it carefully, and there's just one spot, one line, that looks unfinished. So I reach for a felt-tipped pen, and I look closer. What belongs there? I begin to put pen to paper and I hesitate a moment. Hmmm. It looks almost like it should be a rune. A rune, but which one. As if I knew but couldnt remember, I needed to see it in the book and I'd know. So I ran and got the book and I found it, Flow. Laguz. Look sort of like a backwars 1 without the bottom part. Anyway, I doodled it in and it is perfect. Then I went back to the book to read the extended meaning of Laguz. Check it out, it's ridiculous how perfectly it captures the feeling at Quillstead, and this moment in my life.

Laguz: Flow: Water: That Which Connects

Unseen powers are active here, powers that nourish, shape and connect. The attributes of this Rune are water, fluidity, the ebb and flow of emotions, of vocations and relationships. Laguz fulfills your desire to immerse yourself in the experience living without having to evaluate or understand. It speaks to the satisfaction of emotional needs, to the awakening of the intuitive or lunar side of your nature. For while the sun strives for differentiation, the moon draws us toward union and merging.

This Rune often signals a time for cleansing: for revaluing, reorganizing, realigning. A Rune of deep knowing, Laguz may call you to study spiritual matters in readiness for self-transformation. Success now lies in contacting your intuitive knowing, in attuning to your own rhythms. A Rune of the self relating rightly to the Self.

[night faerie]

sorry I havent been around lately I dont have a lot of time to explain but...

last sundaymorning around 5am, I awoke in crazypain and long story short, chrono took me to the ER and they admitted me and had to remove my gall bladder. I'm home now but still very much not myself, cant get in or out of bed by myself, cant fully dress myself, etc etc.

anyway, I'm just here for a moment, not catching up on anything so if there's anything I need to know, I"ll have to check it out later. Love you guys and I'll pop in later when I'm more able.

[night faerie]

I've been sad lately. I'm not even sure why. It's one of those cause & effect dillemas where since I'm sad everything is bothering me and I'm oversensitive to everything, so I cant tell if one of the things bugging me is what's making me sad to begin with. :( ~sigh~

I miss Em. So much, it's awful. I feel like she's still slipping away from me. Every morning it's quiet as I get ready for work. No click click of her paws on the floor or jingle of the tags on her collar. No more morning walks. When I get home at night, no walking in joyful circles or greeting me at the door. When I nap, no more warm weight at my feet, breathing rhythmically or pressed against my side. No more really soft ears.

I've so completely lost my passion for my work. It used to be interesting, challenging, a career. Now it's burning me out, its boring and useless. What would I rather do? What can I do? I've no training, no special skills, I lack focus and while I've always been a good worker, I've never been a fast worker. And what on earth can I do that will pay me well enough to give me a chance of continuing to live in NY?

I feel like my life has fallen into that funk - work - maybe clean house a bit - eat - TV - sleep - repeat. The only times I feel alive is on the handful of trips I take each year, Quillfest and festivals, and the once a week or so we hang out with friends. I want my LIFE to be what encompasses the majority of my time, or geez at least half my time. I'd love to do some creative writing but I've no inspiration. I only find myself on a Grand Adventure like once a year and even those are always somewhat planned and organized.

I've been looking at houses we could maybe afford - outside NY - like here (http://www.ahouseforsale.com/a2nha05.htm) or here (http://www.healthyhomesforsale.com/listing.php?id=17585) these places feel like places I would feel better, physically, spiritually, someplace free and clear away from the Electronic Hum. Where I'd have to walk around and do stuff like raking leaves and trimming trees and planting vegetables & herbs and berries and maybe even apple trees and shovel snow and walk uphill. Chrono is afraid we wont be able to find work in such rural areas, and living away from NY would mean leaving many friends and family behind. Such a hard decision.

After surgery, I dont trust my body anymore. I'm afraid of it. All that talk of maybe wanting to procreate, its all out the window now. I dont even want it any more. I dont want to mess with my body at all, the thought terrifies me. Being in the hospital, at the mercy of people who are supposed to know what they are doing, but who often times dont, is really scary. We went to a good hospital, and it was a mess.
Radiology tech goes, "Could you possibly be pregnant?" and I say, "It's possible, maybe" and he doesnt answer me but pushes me underneath this giant CT scan machine and radiates the hell out of me. That happened 3 times, with different radiology.
In the OR, immediately before surgery, the nurse going over my chart says, "That's weird, it doesnt say here if they ever gave you a pregnancy test. It's standard, all women get them but yours isnt listed here." (I never found out if they gave me one)
I tell the nurse that my DR wants to switch me from IV pain meds to pills. She leaves to go check and comes back & says the orders say I have to take one pill (percocet) and get one injection of morphine. I tell her I really dont need the morphine any more but she says she has to give it to me this way, one pill, one injection. When I tell the DR later, he says he has no clue how she could have thought the orders said one pill and one injection, it doesnt even make sense.
Sadly, I know this is the norm for a good hospital. I am not comfortable depending on these people for my health. Maybe this is the universes way of telling me to leave well enough alone, I shouldnt tempt fate and try to get pregnant.

Just an overwhelming sense of sadness, loss, emptiness, stagnancy, and purposelessness. Like a grain of sand on a beach, pointless and irrelevant in the grand scale.

~sigh~ I miss Em.

[night faerie]

Well, I'm feeling a bit better now. :) Thx for your concern, it is so appreciated.

On a whim, I did a google search on an old high school girlfriend I lost touch with after HS and I found her immediately! She's working with The North Star Fund (http://www.northstarfund.org/mission.htm) which is just exactly what I would have imagined her doing. She's working for a cause. I'm so jealous, haha, but happy for her.

Anyway, I emailed her and we're going to try to get together next weekend to catch up. We'll have a lot to catch up on, it's been about 14 years, geez. Still, I'm very excited to see her again, she is a GREAT person, very down to earth with a BRILLiant sense of infectious humor and just a really positive and fun sort of energy. You know when you meet someone and you just KNOW you were meant to be friends? Thats what meeting her was like. So altho I'm not surprised to have found her again after so long, I'm all giddy-excited about it.
:nf:

[night faerie]

These people not only fail to acknowledge the darkness that surrounds them, they fail to see the light as well. Moments of beauty, truth and wonder pass them by completely. Why is everyone so damned VAIN!? Open your eyes, please! There's something going on, haven't you noticed? WE _ ARE _ ALIVE!
Oh, my dear sweet fuschia, you are a poigniant and eloquent writer. However, I must disagree. I propose that one can be entirely vain, and still appreciate the beauty and wonder that surrounds them. It's just that all that loveliness is put here just for ME! :D :nf:


er, I mean, for said person :rolleyes: :cool:

[night faerie]

Many people try to create for their children a wonderful childhood. One free from responsibility, where they can do what they want and their parents will provide for them and clean up after them and take care of them. People try to give their kids all the things a child could possibly wish for, all the things they themselves never had, creating a sort of fantasyland.

Problem is, the children eventually grow up, and outgrow the fantasy. They enter into the real world, and find it dissatisfying, disappointing, bland. Perhaps they find themselves on an endless lifelong search for that elusive something, not even knowing what they quest for. Perhaps they turn to drugs, perhaps they cheat on their spouses, perhaps they betray their friends, all in hopes that that THING is just around the corner, maybe THIS will be IT.

What they really want is that promised world from their childhood. That feeling of safety, complete lack of responsibility, constant entertainment, boundless joy, fun, no limits, no consequences.

I think instead of trying to create a wonderful childhood for our children to play in, we should try to create a wonderful world for them to grow into.

Lets teach our kids that this is not their world, this is THE world, and they have an important place to take in it. They have responsibilities, to themselves, to their communities, families, and to the earth. Lets teach our kids that there is a wonderful world for them to join, and the older they become, the more a part of it they will be, the more it will have to offer them, and the more they will have to offer the world. Lets make our kids want to be adults, to cherish every stage of life, not only their youth.

We need to develop this world into a place our children should want to be a part of. A community (a political system) our children can work within to better the world. A community that embraces both tradition and evolution, in an equal partnership. A community that embraces both the importance of work and responsibility and of play and entertainment. A world that appreciates the importance of balance.

Just a thought.

[night faerie]

So yeah, so sometimes people betray me. But if it's my friend, I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. As a matter of fact, I can hardly NOT give them chance after chance. Chance to give me lipservice, but not complete honesty. Chance to push me away. Chance to take a little piece of my heart, a little piece of my pride. At this point, I begin to hate myself. Because I am a strong person, I am NOT a doormat. But I value friendship above all else, and I cannot bring myself to let that go, to throw that away. I am NOT afraid of a fight, I am NOT afraid to face the truth. But if someone else holds honesty from me, I am powerless.

Sometimes the best I can do is to remove myself from the situation, just stop trying. At least it gives me a tiny grain of integrity, I'm no longer reaching out, and having my hand slapped away. But I cant turn off my heart. Try as I might. I cant just get angry. I turn my anger only on myself, and then I'm no good to anyone. And I cant turn off the hurt. It's so hard for me to feel anything for anyone, once you're in there (my heart), you stay. I wont let that go. If I let myself get any colder, I'll just freeze.

ok, that is an excerpt from my very first reflections post. I was referring to a specific person, a particular friend. Said friend is someone I occasionally run into, usually at concerts.

I ran into him at the Phil show a few weeks ago. He left me a voicemail (same day as the concert, telling me about an aftershow) and I didnt get the message for a few days. When I got it, I called him back, left him a message, knowing he wouldnt call me back, he never does. He stopped returning my calls years ago.

I called him last week, left him another (unrelated) message about a folk singer I want to see who's playing in Manhattan tomorrow. He's about the only local person I know who would also enjoy her music. Again, knowing he wouldnt call me back, but I figured whatever.

Well, today he called me. I freaked him out by answering the phone. He asked what time the show was and I checked online, and OMG the show was sold out!!! :dozey: He's like oh *disappointed* it's at Joe's Pub too, I've always wanted to go there. So I'm like, well, there's another show next month at Joe's Pub I'm interested in going to. He's like, yeah, maybe. Or maybe we should just like... hang out... or... something...

So I'm like ok, well, I will make time if you want to hang out, just call me. If not, I'll give you a call next month to see if you want to catch that show.

But the thing is... gah. I want my best friend back. But I know he wont call. And if he does... and if we hang out... geez, you know some people who are your best best friends and you cant NOT tell them everything? I dont want to spill my guts to him completely so I'll have to be very careful what I say. and I know it doesnt matter what I say cause after this one time hanging out, I wont hear from him again. maybe I'll see him at a show. ~sigh~

[night faerie]

Profound notions and silliness. That is what it's all about, I think. I disagree with the answer of 42. Or perhaps 42 is the embodiment of profound notions and ultimate silliness.

That feeling of emptiness, of yearning, of meaning just beyond your grasp... you must keep stretching, keep aspiring, keep reaching... and when it comes, it comes in dribs and drabs, in torn pages from a lost volume, authorless and undefined, undefended, unexplained. So difficult it is to decifer, and more so to impart found wisdom to others. Yet, we try, and hope, and labor on to find our own answers. To form the right questions. To find not merely response, but meaning. To touch the Divine. Even should the Light blind us.

That feeling of power that comes with making someone laugh. The release from all pride and self consciousness; the flush of giddiness that comes with being able to truly laugh at yourself, at your stumblings and fumblings, shortcomings and frailty. The very grateful feeling that comes with knowing the people who laugh with you, at yourself, love and respect you no less than they did before you tripped and fell over your own feet.

Truly we are blessed to know one another. To have this forum, to merry meet and merry greet and merry meet again. To find one another, kindred spirits on a dark journey, all trodding through life in the same general direction, albeit following many different paths, to many different destinies.

May our paths continue to converge, time and time again through the ages that pass in our lifetimes. May we always have one another to contemplate with, to brainstorm with, to carry one another part of the way and to laugh at one another when we fall. Blessed be, one and all.

[night faerie]

today my brother leaves on a Grande Adventure.
I must stay here and hold down the fort, keep the Home.
I suppose it'll have to suffice that he take a tiny bit of my heart with him.

... and for a short time, we were a family again...

[night faerie]

It is becoming clearer to me, that this is all completely pointless. Even if there is a God, a plan, a carefully laid program and we are all key cogs in that Grande Scheme... so what? The Grande Scheme of things accomplishes what? Impresses who? ~sigh~

Remember when fractals were all the rage?

[night faerie]

well, it's official. I've been referred from my doc to an infertility specialist. Oi.

[night faerie]

depression is a nasty ugly beast. It's evil cloaks itself in irrationality. It defies logic. Laughs in it's face, even. You never really know if it's cause and effect, or chemical imbalance, or homonal fluctuation. It doesn't really matter, tho.

Pain becomes a long lost friend; familiar, safe. Of course, the safety is illusion. It causes you to shut down bit by bit, distancing yourself from those around you, from those who care.

It sows doubt in your heart. You no longer believe anyone really cares. Everything is a threat, everyone has a hidden agenda. Paranoia.

Every terrible, painful, traumatic thing thats ever happened to you wakes from the dead and comes to visit.

You walk through life with your daily mask, laugh at all the funny bits, hold your head up and look people in the eye, go to work and cook dinner and go through all the motions. Then when noone's looking, you drop your guard and let yourself fall apart. You cry and can't stop. You wrap yourself in blankets and try to disappear into the couch. You wonder why you do it every day. You wonder why you do anything. You huddle in bed and wish for the night to swallow you and for the day never to come. But it does. It always does.

[night faerie]

soooo... lots of changes in my life right now. strange ones. new job. new year. I'm cooking a WHOLE turkey for New Years weekend. Never done that before. Yep, lots of new stuff. Yep.

soooo... The first post in this thread was inspired... if you can call it that... by an old friend. Old friend as in no-longer-friends friend. The first friend to truly betray me. ('course, he managed to make like it was my fault, at the time). The first to walk away from me. To make me doubt the sincerity of all other friends. To make me doubt myself.

It's one of those things that just lingers with you, becomes a part of you. I tried for a few years to salvage the friendship in every way I knew, to no avail. We havent been friends for several years now, and it's something I've come to accept. I never stops hurting, tho. The part of my heart where we were friends never went away, it just festered and atrophied.

soooo... apparently my friend got a wake up call about six months ago and now wants to patch things up. Of course neither of us knows how to go about doing this or where to start. We hung out, alone and in groups, a few times in the early summer, never really talking about anything important; talking about "addressing the issues" but never clarifying what the issues are and definately never actually talking addressing them.

He did it to me again over the last four months or so. Making tentative plans and then never calling to confirm. I'm only glad I didnt actually buy tickets for any of the concerts we talked about attending together, because he would say great, lets go, then I wouldnt hear from him and he wouldnt return my calls. On his birthday, I talked to chrono. I told him part of me wanted to call but part of me was done with putting out my hand and having it slapped away, or worse... ignored. So I didnt call. I gave up. I gave up on all of it.

So then he emails me a week ago and is all apologetic and upset and he wants to explain. He wants to finally talk about whatever it is we need to get through. He wants to see the other side and find our friendship again. He wants to get together tomorrow night. My call, when and where.

~sigh~ new things.

[night faerie]

I've been so lost... for so long... won't you help me find my way? won't you find me... lead me home... lead me to my home to stay...

[night faerie]

ok I cannot believe I'm going to say this, but I just read wendy's nightmare/dream from last night and I'm pretty certain I myself have had that same dream. Except without the leprosy moping at the end. There may well have been moping but I dont recall thinking about leprosy. scary. :umm:

[night faerie]

I may have mentioned this before, but for the last two years running, on two or three occassions, I've reached out to my family and tried to share the inner workings of myself with them. I like, NEver do this.

So on said occasions, I sent an email to my parents, my aunt in Cali and my aunt & uncle in Florida with an assortment of my poetry. In each mail, I sent about 5 or 6 poems. I tried to send an assortment, some rhyming, some not, some deep, some light, on different topics. I was particularly interested in my aunt & uncle in Florida's opinions because my aunt was in publishing & my uncle, a college professor in English Lit. But all of my family are big readers. My Cali aunt LOVes Shakespeare. My mom, best sellers; my dad, political / espionage novels and suspense.

No responses. None. Not so much as a confirmatory note from one of them. I asked my aunt & uncle at Christmas, the year after the second sending. They didnt recall having received them at all. :dozey:

I mentioned it a couple times to my mom this year, and she blew me off. Finally I pushed the topic and she told me that she just didnt get them. (NONE of them??) She said perhaps I could send her ONE poem and then if she doesnt get it, I could send an explaination. :confused:

I don't even read poetry. I know it's mine and of course I understand it, but I really tried to send an array of non-threatening family-friendly things. I tried to show them what I can DO, even tho it was wrapped in this self-exposing packaging, and promised to make me feel vulnerable. None of them have a f***ing CLUE how difficult that was for me. And apparently, none of them care. :rolleyes:

[night faerie]

Today is the premiere of Jonathan Rhys Meyers' in "The Tudors". Since I dont have showtime, I'm watching on Yahoo. :D ~sighs in contentment~ ...mmm...Jonathan....

If anyone else is interested, it's here: http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=245724&cl=2179741&src=tv&ch=932933

[night faerie]

~phone rings~

nf: hello, daddy. :)
dad: hey, hon, I'm just returning your call.
nf: oh yeah, hey, guess what? we might be going to Milan!
dad: what? you're going to Mars?
nf: no, not Mars, Milan! Close to Mars but not quite.
dad: oh, MILAN! Wow! Milan is a beautiful city. Who is we?
nf: me & chrono.
dad: ah. So how'd this come about?
nf: you remember wendy? She's going to be giving a presentation at this big solar energy conference in Milan and a bunch of us want to go too!
dad: ~chuckling~ well, it sounds wonderful. Milan is really beautiful. I was only there for a day.
nf: just one day?
dad: yeah, it was just a stop on the way. we were coming from, lets see, we were coming from... Switzerland, on our way to... .... Rome, yes, we were going to Rome. It was in the alps when I lost the bus.
nf: you lost the bus?
dad: oh yeah, I had picked up the car (first thing my dad bought when he landed his first teaching job was a brand new Mercedes. From Germany. He went to Europe to pick it up) and I was driving, following the bus. The bus passed a truck and I couldn't pass the truck and when I finally did pass the truck the bus was gone. I didnt know the route and didn't know the hostel we were headed to.
nf: ~laughing~ that sounds familiar.
dad: Luckily I had been talking to the bus driver and he'd told me a place he planned to stop to eat. I managed to find the place but they weren't there. I waited for some time and was just about to give up when they showed up. They'd decided to take a side trip on the way. But we did spend the day in Milan. We didn't even stay overnight but it was really something.
nf: time flies, huh?
dad: ah, yes. That was what, 15 years ago? 1962, that's about 15 years ago, right?
nf: give or take, yeah.
dad: what does chrono think of this trip?
nf: oh, he's in. but right now he kind of thinks I have nine heads.
dad: oh, well you do.
nf: yeah, well. Oh, hey wait, that's not why I called, tho. I needed to ask you something.
dad: oh, ok, what's the question?
nf: ok say, hypothetically, that I was camping. and I was listening to the stereo from the car. BTW, my new car has a great stereo. Really loud. So ok, say I'm listening to the stereo while camping. How much time do you think I have before I need to start the car so I don't drain the battery?
dad: ~laughing~ THAT's your question?
nf: yeah.
dad: well, if you don't play it loud, you probably don't have to start it at all. It's a new battery?
nf: yes. but I'd be playing it loud.
dad: ok well if you're playing it loud, maybe two or three hours.
nf: really?
dad: yep.
nf: ok. thanks. I'll talk to you later then.
dad: ok. Good luck with the plans.
nf: thanks! bye!
dad: bye.

[night faerie]

still not pregnant. :rolleyes: just sayin'. :p

I know it's been two years of trying, and I know I'm getting older and I know over 35 it's considered high risk and all, but ... I don't know. I don't feel anxious about having a kid. I don't feel like... I don't feel like I can't wait. I feel like I could easily wait another 5 years or so. Of course, I don't have another 5 years or so to kick around, so you know, thats why we're trying now.

There's pressure, tho. Mostly from our parents, who are SO anxious. My dad's 70 now, and ill, and I'd like to be able to share a good chunk of the experience with him. The grandmothers-to-be are practically intimidating with the INTENSITY of their anticipation. "How're things GOING???" lol. Plus, you know, friends and things, everyone wants us to have a kid already.

There's pressure in the other direction, too. I've got this GREAT new job that I SO won't want to give up if I get pregnant, but I don't know if we can afford financially for me to keep working. I want to travel overseas. Don't know if I'll be up to it while pregnant and who wants to bring an infant overseas?

Mostly I think, if it weren't for the health risks involved in putting it off, I'd want to wait longer. There's still so many things I want to do with MY life before devoting it to someone else's. But you know, you take a path and walk the best you can. I've had a pretty good run. I've got enough to offer, at this point. ~shurgs~

[night faerie]

One of the things I love about itunes is finding different versions of the same song. Often, I'll look up a song and listen to the excerpts from all the different versions, the recordings from the artists that made the song known as well as all the others. I wind up buying several different interpretations of the same song.


Also, in case anyone doubts it from time to time, I can assure you, I'm really not a very Good person.

I got a CC: email last night from a friend asking everyone to pray for her & her family. She & her husband have been unexpectedly presented with the opportunity to adopt a newborn, something they'd assumed they wouldn't be able to afford. (they adopted a 6 year old son about two years ago and had applied for another adoption, expecting to be matched with an older child). They're meeting with the birth mother this week (she's due in 6 weeks) They are asking everyone to pray for their family, for the birth mother & baby, and that everything works out for the best.

I have no good wishes, nor prayers for them. ~sigh~ If any of you out there who do pray wish, perhaps you could pray for them. I am just empty of that kind of thing.

[night faerie]

REally funny conversation b/t me & former coworker Debbie Says. This was emailing back & forth during work yesterday. For translation HJ = chrono.

nf: I'm off to see my folks in SD Thursday. I'm not packed. hah. but I do have books, so that's good. :)
my doc's on vaca. I'm bored. what's up?

DS: NM...U get lots of vacation time at that job...just got back from camping again this w/e..took Em & her stepsis Savana w/us. Billy wants to buy a pop-up trailer now so we can camp all the time. how long ru going to CA ..is HJ going ?

nf: hah, a lot of time to take off but not much of it's paid. no HJ isn't coming this time around, it's too expensive. We'll both go the week b/t Christmas & NYs, or that's the plan. Luckily, they don't care about the unpaid time so long as the work is getting done, which it is. :) You wouldn't believe the days these girls take off. One girl doesn't come in if it's raining too hard, haha.

I think the pop up is a great idea. Love the camping, we have to go together one of these days. Every year I go festing and every year I come home wanting to buy something new. Year before last was another tent, then last year, the canopy, this year I want one of those little propane grills. I went w/a girl this year who had one, they're great! A little Coleman and it's only $80. You can fit like 4 burgers on it at a time and it's got a little burner too for a pot. HJ has about had it with me, haha.

DS: When I was in college I used to take off when it was raining, it was 2 far 2 walk across campus in the rain LOL...I bought my brother a very cool tailgating grill, I borrowed it for camping the w/e. I was able to fit 12 pieces of chicken on it and a pot of Rice-a-roni. I love it, I think I will buy Billy one for x-mas they r about $150 on sale, but it was well worth the money, it has wheels, and it folds flat to fit in the car...We should so definitely go camping, although I think Billy & HJ will want to strangle us, being 2gether for any period of time LOL

nf: pish posh, we'll bring them beer, they'll be fine. lol, yes, yes I did just say pish posh. bad me ~giggles~

DS: Drunk men around a campfire, all that testosterone OMG...I bet they wouldn't even mind if we blew bubbles LOL

nf: LMAO

DS: AND...we could run around in the mud barefoot and go to sleep w dirty feet

nf ~falls over laughing~ :p :broken:

[night faerie]

I just found out a friend, someone I had known since kindergarden, lost touch with but reconnected with via facebook, lost her husband. He died sometime today. I don't know any of the details but OMG how horrible! She has a 2 year old daughter too. I just can't imagine anything so awful, and she of course is the most wonderful, big-hearted person. I hate that there are no words, no amount of sympathy that may ease her pain, and the thought that her loving husband won't get to see his daughter grow up... it brings tears to my eyes even though I've never met him. There is no sense in this.

Please, every day, let us, every one, give thanks and be grateful for everything we have, every friend, every love, every minute, every breath of fresh air and every snowflake we can catch on our tongue, every song we love, every laugh we burst into, every knowing glance shared with someone who understands. Go in peace, my dear friends, and be happy, because you can.

[night faerie]

RE: http://www.enchantedquill.net/forum/showpost.php?p=89081&postcount=71

funny thing, while going through my father's things, I came across a funny picture. Funny if you knew my dad, who was a mild, reserved kind of guy. It was a pic of him about 24 years old, lying back on a bed, laughing heartily and surrounded by four lovely young women. They're all lying all over him & laughing giddily. I showed it to my mom & was all, um... :confused:

She told me it was from when he went on his trek across Europe when he went to pick up the car (see above link). He fell in with a tour bus (same bus referenced in the aforementioned link). The tour bus happened to be for a women-only tour. So he was the cock in the hen house so to speak.

I later came across a couple of letters he wrote to a couple of the women on the tour, thanking them for taking him in & reminiscing about the experience. Apparently he never mailed them, haha.

In other news, my mom told me a funny story today. When she & my dad were dating she spent the night at his apartment and he gave her a pair of his pj's to wear. At his behest she was posing on his bed in his pjs and he took a picture. He promised her he would destroy it, and she never saw it again. Until today, when she found it in one of his file cabinets. Haha. 43 years ago. He was a funny guy, my dad.

Remind me to make you a list of all the things we found when going through his things, it'll be a doozy. :)

[night faerie]

Hello world, I am D-runk. Drunk enough I can't spell. I can't get myself to drink lately, I like keeping all my faculties while Peanut is around. But chrono & Apoc are here, sober & I am comfortable enough....

I'm reading this book... it's a biography about this young girl's experience with alcoholism. It chronocles her experience with drinking from age 14-23. It's very prolifically written, beautiful prose really, but it is like watching an anti-drug infomercial in the middle of the night... it just makes me want to drink. To succumb to the warm, numbing and familiar embrace of liquor.

It is beauty. The world. I know it's unpopular & some would argue, unreal; to see such beauty through the haze of alcohol. It is what it is, and it is what I feel at the moment. I think you probably see what you're looking for; but whatever, I see incredible & awe-inspiring beauty and poignancy. But you know... it is what it is.

ok my vision is failing... seeing a little in double so... probably good to stop now. :nf: I have so much love for you all, albeit somewhat artificially amplified. ;)