Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

This is the brief decription of a tarot card from the deck that I have that I feel...drawn to. Oddly enough, I cut straight to this card four times in a row with a couple of friends watching. For this skeptic, its was an almost unnerving experience.

Anyway the card is from the major arcana in the Mythic Tarot deck. This decks imagery and stories are drawn from Greek mythology. The Hermit in this deck is characterized by Chronos, god of time, a Titan, and Zues's father.

The Hermit: "On a divinatory level, the card of Chronos, the Hermit, augurs a time of aloneness or withdrawal from the extroverted activities of life, so that wisdom or patience may be acquired. There is an oppourtunity to build solid foundations if one is willing to wait. Thus, the Fool at last arrives at maturity, having developed a mind and heart, a firm sense of identity, and finally a deep respect for his own limitations in the great passage of the round of time." -The Mythic Tarot (1986, Simon and Schuster)

OK, enough for now.

~waves~

[26th September 2002 12:43]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OK...anytime I go to bed either hungry or full, I have strange dreams almost all night. Strange enough to wake me up any number of times, so I usually avoid doing that.

That being said, last night I went to bed full.

Something last night reminded my of an old reoccuring dream I use to have--I don't think I had the dream, but something sparked a memory of it. Its one of the worst dreams I can remember having.

So the dream opens with me asleep in my old bedroom in my parents house. I'm awakened by noises outside. I grab my glasses and very (, very, very, very) cautiously peek through the mini-blinds. Outside my window there are about a half a dozen wolves (this is in Kansas mind, no wolves here). I immeadiately lie back down and pull the covers over my head.

Then, the wolves leap through my window. I can hear them moving around. I can hear them breathing. But, I know that if I lie still enough, if I lie quietly enough they will not notice me and I'll be safe.

OK, that would be bad enough, a staple nightmare. But its worse. For the faint hearted, I suggest you stop reading now. Of course, 'they' would say everyone is probably desensitized to this sort of thing, but thats a conversation for another day.

Anyway, I hear the wolves moving through the house, except for one--I can still hear it breathing, just an arm's length away from my bed. And to keep things simple, I hear Very Bad Things (TM) happening to my family. Then, the wolf left in my room start to make a noise. I realize he's laughing at me, that he's known I'm there the entire time.

At this point, I invariably wake up.

So, there you go. All you amatuer dream analysts can put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

No more Stephen Kingisms tonite.

~waves~

[30th September 2002 22:07]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Helplessness

Perched upon my ledge
Stashed behind my walls
Watching the scene unfold
Time and time again

Bound by decision
Trapped by fate
Things continue to pass
Time and time again

I've been here before
I'll be here again
The world moves on
Time and time again

Unable to act
Unwilling to try
Everything crumbles to dust
Time and time again

Have I seen the way
My lantern sheds no light
Existance fades to black
Time and time again

Helplessness

[8th October 2002 22:27]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Woke up all cozy this morning before my alarm went off, so I get that peaceful dozing thing going on. Got around and went outside to leave to go to Wichita to meet a buddy of mine--and its FOGGY! Man, I love fog (OK, not so great to drive in, but still). I really don't know what it is about fog... Anyway, so I'm cruising throught the mists and having daydreams about being lost in it (and not alone) So, I meet up with my buddy and we eat and go see 'The Ring'. Good movie, btw...if odd. I also beat him 2-1 in air hockey

~waves~

[21st October 2002 20:31]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

A little story...

So, I stalk off, not in a good mood. I go into the kitchen to get me a glass of milk. As I'm pulling the jug of milk out, I accidently knock a jar of pickles off. The think crashes to the floor and absolutely, completely shattered.

Well, damn.

So, I'm staring at the expanding circle of pickle juice at my feet. Cursing myself and cursing the world.

Then I laugh.

The laugh starts bitter, and turns to a full out belly laugh (I'm pretty sure I woke the household up, sorry folks) as I realize how ridiculous the whole thing is.

So anyway, I feel better. I might just be crazy, but I feel better.

Now, if I cut my foot on a piece of glass from that jar, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pissed.

hehehe

~waves~

[15th December 2002 22:36]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I am one of the following:

A) The stupidest person on the face of the planet
B) A person with the gift of prophecy

hehe

For those of you keeping score at home, I stepped a peice of glass from the pickle jar today. Fortunately, it was a small peice and it only wedged intot the side of my foot where I could easily remove it. Serves me right for walking around barefoot.

But, it didn't upset me near as much as I thought it would, so I'm taking that as a GOOD sign.

That is all.

~waves~

[17th December 2002 14:25]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Welcome again, gentle reader.

I'm in a very good mood, all warm and fuzzy. ~hands out warm fuzzies to readers~ And suprisingly enough this post won't be a review of Nemesis or The Two Tower's.

Its a very pleasant night, being Kansas in the middle of December. Had no need for a coat at all. Got to spend a little time with a good friend of mine. Got to chat unexpectedly (twice, maybe thrice depending on how you count it) with another. Got to see two good movies. All well and good.

But, on the way home, something neat happened. I saw the movie in Wichita and I live due east of there. So as I'm driving, I notice flashes of lighting (pretty uncommon in December). Well, the whole way home, this lightning played squarely above the highway. It was as if someone where lighting the path home for my, and I'm very grateful.

:)

Farewell, gentle readed. May a piece of this happiness find you this night, and all the other nights as well.

~bows~

~waves~

[18th December 2002 04:37]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~yawns~ 'Tis much too early...but I wanted to come record a dream...

[Fall asleep, begin dream]
So, I'm walking along the beach. The sand is nice and warm, comforting. The sea churns and looks dangerous, full of stinging jellyfish. I hear a call from the water, looking out to sea I see you. I wave and continue moving down the beach. You call again, its a siren call, hypnotic, tempting. I move along the beach some more, till I come to a pier. Seeing the opportunity, I walk out on the peir. The pier is old, and a bit creaky, but stable enough. I walk out to the end. And there you are, a magnificent, lovely creature. You smile and call again, asking me to join you in the water. I say that I'm not a swmmer, and it would be best if I stay on the pier. You don't give in, niether do I. You try harder, I point to the jellyfish and shake my head. You say, ah yes, them. They are very lovely aren't they? I agree, but ask if they don't sting. You look at me askance, of course they sting, silly. I ask why you swim with them. You say its your way, and they really are very lovely. You ask again if I'll join you in the sea, insistant. I smile and say I'm allergic. I've noticed now that the current moves you in a large sweeping circle, enjoying our chat though, I pay it no mind. I ask again about the stinging of the jellyfish. You shrug and say there are dolphins too. I ask where, I don't see any. You say they've all gone to deeper waters. I nod mournfully, it would be nice to see a dolphin in these waters. Then you say that there are sharks too. Sharks, I ask. You nod and say you like to pat their bellies and pinch there tails. I gasp, the horror. You tell me its ok, you've been bitten before and survived, and will again. I don't think thats very wise. You shrug, and say that this is where you are. I nod, but don't understand, I never truly understand, and its ok. You say, surely there are lions up there, bears too? I say, maybe, but I've not seen them. You ask me to sit and dangle my feet into the water, I sit, but the jellyfish are still there. You frown and smile at the same time. I notice the current is spinning faster now. You reach out as you float past and touch my leg, giggling. I smile and wait for you to be swept off again. The next time by you do it again, a shake my head and laugh. You call, and on the next pass I reach out my hand. Our hands touch, and though the water must be very cold, you are warm, and soft, and good. I recoil a bit from the shock. You frown and drift away. You call again, and I think I understand so I reach out and we clasp hands...and its good. We laugh and smile and laugh some more. The current tugs at you, and for the first time I see the hazards of being swept away. I check to be sure that I'm steady, and the peir is steady. Now, even though neither of us has let go, you are still being pulled in circles by the current, its grown faster the circle tighter. I frown, but see nothing I can do. I ask if there is anything I can do, and you just say I'm silly, its just the way of things. Well, you must know better than I. The water moves faster and faster. A rumbling noise grows. A whirlpool with a vorex of darkness! You ask if I want to join you in the water, and I shake my head no. I ask if it would be best if you didn't get out of the water, and you smile ruefully, and shake your head no. Helplessness insues. I still have your hand, but I'm not longer sure if I'm keeping you from sinking into the vortex or pushing you along. I sigh. You sigh. We smile. We laugh. We cry. We shake our heads and nod at the same time. I ask where the vorex leads, you say that no one can tell. I say, surely you can see the bottom from the edge. I cannot, you say. I ask what we can do, you smile and say its ok. I ask what you can do, you say sink to the heart of the dark and see where it goes. I say what can I do, you say nothing more, nothing less. Helpless. I try to pull a plank from the peir, but the peir is to steady. I curse the pier. You laugh and smile. And I smile. I cannot save you from the whirlpool. I smile. You say everything is OK. I say everything is OK. Everything is OK. But the vortex beckons you. Am I pulling or am I the vortex. You smile and say you're OK. I nod and smile. You say to sit with you for a while, and I do. The whirlpool worsens. I shake my head and believe everthing is OK and will be OK. But you've almost gone into the heart of the dark. You have gone into the heart of the dark. I do everything I can, I hold on to your hand, and you hold to mine.

[end dream sequence]

~smiles~ If anyone can read through that ramble, I applaud you. Dreams are an odd thing, images and feelings that give you perspective by looking at things in a different way.

Anyway, I'm going to the bathroom and then I'm going back to bed, just so you know

~waves~

[14th January 2003 07:48]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OH, and before I forget, I want to save this quotable gem

"he's like a cornucopia of stupidity" (name withheld by request)

~chuckles~

~waves again~

[17th February 2003 03:40]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

i was going to post something, but then i didn't.

~sighs~

[edit] Ok, this post is stolen from arch...and not entirely true. I actually did post something here, but I edited it out. ~nods~

[3rd March 2003 18:52]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sorry for crossposting this, but it deserves a wide audience, IMO.

Wow. What a day. I'm not sure you'll beleive this a part of this story. I'm not sure I beleive it myself. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'll go back to the beginning.

Well, let's see: First the earth cooled. And, then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died, and they turned into oil. And, then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes...er...nevermind that...

OK, I'm driving from my small town to Kansas City for a job interview and to meet Cloric for dinner. On the way, my cousin calls saying she's going to be in the city too, and if I wanted to see 'Dreamcatcher'. So I told her if they wanted to wait till after the interview and dinner, I'd love to. So, I get to the interview, and it goes well--my skills match up extremely well to the position, so it will come down to the competition. After that, I hang out in KC for a while, and them meet Cloric for dinner (Blackened Cajun Chicken Sandwich from TGIFridays--good stuff). This is also good, because I don't get to see Cloric enough, esp that I'm stuck living outside of KC now. Then I go meet up with my cuz and her friend and we see Dreamcatcher. So that's all good. Now, its getting fairly late and I'm driving home and notice an AWESOME moonrise. The moon, even though it wasn't full, was HUGE and as orange as I have EVER seen it. Sweet.

Thats when the weirdness begins.

I'm about to the small town closest to my small town, and I catch up to a semi truck pretty quickly and I realize I was going faster than I should have. Normally I don't speed, and when I do its usually no more than 5mph above. Anyway, shortly after a car catches up behind me.

And the flashing lights start...a cop. ~sighs~

So, I pull over on the shoulder and stop. I mind all my p's and q's...no moving around, no digging for the lisence and stuff, hands on the steering wheel. The cop comes up, and I roll down my window. He asks for my liscence and proof of insurance, which I then provide. He says, "I clocked you back there at 81 in a 65. Did you know you were going that fast?"

I tell the truth, "No, not until I got up to that truck in front of me faster than I thought." And I add a chuckle.

So, he takes the stuff back to his car...then the dreaded waiting...and waiting... heh
FINALLY, he comes back, gives my my stuff back, and hand me a citation and tells me my court date. And even tho I wasn't meaning to, I had broke the law, so I was accepting of that, no big deal. So I thank him, and he goes back to his car.

OK, I pull back onto the road and drive through the small town, making sure I obey EVERYTHING to the letter. I see the cop turn off into a parking lot in town. Now, I'm leaving the town, just getting up to speed on the highway...and a car comes up behind me...so I make room to let him pass...when flashers light up again.

Bloody hell...

So, I pull over again, wondering what I possibly could have done wrong.

The same cop comes up, and says "You know, I've never done this before in my life." And my mind fills in, "Give the same person a two tickets within a minute."

But, instead he says, "You were so nice back there, and I'd been putting up with a lot of shit. So, I just didn't feel right about giving a citation to the nicest guy in the world. I'll eat this one for you."

And I was all like...GEEZ

So...I'm not sure what to think or who/what to thank. Good manners? Luck? Karma? God? Fairy dust?

Well, except for the officer...THANK YOU.

That is all.

-Malcor "Semi-charmed" Sylverwood

[22nd March 2003 02:45]

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day One, yellowstone trip, 2003
Southeast Kansas to Northcentral Nebraska.

Day started bad. Checked email and such. Bad mood. Stupid father left things undone, one hour delay.

Kansas was very green, the bluegrass giving a slightly bluish tint. Plus hues of white, purple, and yellow from the wildflowers. Saw cows, wild horses, and camels. Sky amazingly blue, puffy white clouds very low, fun to see them skate across the sky.

Met rest of family, picked aunt up from airport. Ate phillly cheesesteak sandwich. good.

Sunset obscured by clouds. Some odd formations. One looked like an alien mother ship and another looked like alien war cruiser. Too many thoughts of Devil's tower, I think. Or maybe just need more vacation.

Plenty of time to think about things, and being away in an unfamiliar place is nice.

No pics. Too much stuff I've seen already. Maybe tomorrow.

End.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Two, yellowstone trip, 2003
Northcentral Nebraska to South Dakota

Alarm. Early. Loud. Hotel shampoo smells funny. Odd that.

Good day so far. Have avoided rain by being in vehicles at the right times.

Sand hills, Nebraska. Rugged looking country, not that much different. More dune like.

Badlands, South Dakota. Serious awesomeness. Took a few pics, try to get tonite.

Black Hills, South Dakota. Mountains and high trees make me clausterphobic. Very beuatiful. Staying in a cabin at Sylvan Lake. Would love vacation here specifically. Tres cool.

Must run, daylight left. Going to lake, then maybe Mt Rushmore or Crazyhorse. More edits later.

K, we just toured the area here. Awesome views. Some wildlife, white tailed deer, mule deer, buffalo, rabbit. Sylvan lake itself is AWESOME. Its by far the highlight of the trip. I'll attach a pic of it.

Now, crashing in the cabin. Got a killer fire going. Tired, lots of climbing/walking clear around the lake.

I feel great. Best I've felt in a while. Just what I needed. I'm just afraid I'll lose it when I get back 'home'.

Anyway, see you tomorrow (hopefully)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sylvan Lake

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Three, yellowstone trip, 2003
Sylvan Lake, South Dakota to Deadwood, South Dakota

Wow....its so nice to sleep with a fire. The warm soft glow, the warm crackling sound, the warm...er, warmness.

Woke up before alarm, at least didn't have to hear it.

Rough day. Legs tired and sore from hiking around sylvan lake.

Saw Crazyhorse memorial (still being constructed). Meh, its a huge carving. Not my thing.

Took tour of Wind Cave. Very cool, hard on the already sore legs. Liked the cave at Branson, Missouri better. This one has many more tunnels, but lacks the spectacular caverns and formations of other caves.

Saw Mt Rushmore. See Crazyhorse.

Drove around a lot looking at wildlife. Saw mule deer, buffalo, prarie dogs, antelope. Saw young buffalo and prarie dogs. Cute. Saw newborn antelope and mother...very, very, very, very cute.

No pics, nothing real exciting to me, and what there was to take pics of was in bad conditions for the cheap camera I have.

Had the best calzone ever. Deadwood, SD...Miss Kitty's. ~nod~

Hotel in deadwood. Suite. Jacuzi in room. I'm going there right now. :D

~soaks~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Four, yellowstone trip, 2003
Deadwood, South Dakota to Red Lodge, Montana

Devil's tower. I couldn't tell you how cool this is, so I'm not going to try beyond this. Cool.

Battle of the little bighorn. Meh...as a wannabe pacifist, didn't really care. Its beautiful land, and its very somber. Very still.

Lots of driving, good mexican food.

Later.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Devil's Tower

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Five, yellowstone trip, 2003
Red Lodge, Montana to Yellowstone.

Crazy family...they got up at like 6AM to go swimming. :umm: I thought it was weird. So, I just showered and came here. :D

Very, very tired...

Drove into yellowstone. Saw neat falls and hot springs. Bears, elk, buffalo, other stuff. Plus a mystery guest in the pic I'm posting.

These posts getting shorter. Tired.

But content.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Nevermore...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Six, yellowstone trip, 2003
Yellowstone.

Toured the inner loop of Yellowstone. Amazing. Too much walking...well, its really the climbs that get me. Exhausted. Crashing early tonite.

Saw several geysers, including old faithful. Pools, springs, mud pots. Several waterfalls.

The highlight of the day was definately Beehive Geyser. We sat and watched it steam and spit for a few minutes. The wind was carring the steam and such just to our north. Then the geyser truly went off. Watched that for several minutes. A few time the wind shifted and drizzled on us, but shifted back quickly. Then it happened. The wind changed and drenched us. Thouroughly. While the others were running away, I was just laughing my ass off.

K, done. bye

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Beehive geyser..just before it drenched me :D

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Seven, yellowstone trip, 2003
Yellowstone.

Short post, people energy and enthusiasm starting to wear thin. Trip home begins tomorrow.

Drove out of Yellowstone, through Grand Tetons and down to Jackson Hole.

Grand Tetons...very big mountains. Not much I haven't seen in Colorado and such before.

Jenny Lake. Rode ferry. Climbed mountain to hidden falls. Very cool.

Jackson Hole. Odd little town. Several art galleries. Ate very, very, very good mexican food. If your ever there, it the Merry Piglet. Or something. Its in the travel guide. Open air, hot salsa, good food, solid deserts.

Back to yellowstone. More geysers, including one that runs almost constantly.

Bed now. ~points to fred~ ;)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sunset over Yellowstone

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Eight, yellowstone trip, 2003
Yellowstone to northwest Nebraska.

Driving, driving, driving. Pretty dull.

Did get into a decent thunderstorm, got a few good looks at lightning.

Bed now.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Day Nine, yellowstone trip, 2003
northwest Nebraska to home swe--er, I'm back anyway.

Pretty much all driving. Had some potential stops along the way back, but everyone was eager to get home--myself included. Still, some of it might have been nice.

~shrugs~

See ya around :)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

heh, one thing I want to point out about the trip before I forget. Its the number of things that are named 'Bob'. I saw Bob's Diner, Bob's auto shop, etc. It was crazy :)

-Malcor "Ant B" Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Walking in the footsteps
Of society's lies
I don't like what I see no more
Sometimes I wish that I was blind
Sometimes I wait forever
To stand out in the rain
So no one sees me cryin'
Trying to wash away the pain

From 'Keep the Faith' by Bon Jovi

[Malcor Sylverwood]

catch me as i fall
say you're here and it's all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away

From 'Whisper' by Evanescence

[Malcor Sylverwood]

It is possible to commit no mistakes, and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.

Jean-Luc Picard

[Malcor Sylverwood]

How many times does coincedence need to be shown to a person before they see the pattern?

Faith fades, dying, tattered and torn. Little left to replace it.

Night calls, I hear but dare not heed.

Heart pounds without want or desire.

Dangerous paths become treacherous and crumble.

When is enough enough?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I WANT TO BELIEVE

UFO poster seen on the X-files

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Wesly (as the dread pirate roberts) from the Princess Bride

[Malcor Sylverwood]

mmm....posting my yellowstone pics made me feel better. Good even. Thats nice. I wonder how long I can do that? ~clings to warm fuzzies~ Hopefully till my next trip in July anyway.

I'm tuckered.

bye bye

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Arthur: I take the good with the bad. I can't love people in slices.

Arthur: There are laws that enslave men, and laws that set them free.

Arthur: What we hold to be right, and good, and true IS right and good and true for all men. Otherwise we're just another robber tribe.

From "First Knight"

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I just got off the phone with Bec, my oldest friend--or, as she like to correct me, the friend I've known the longest. Anyway, apparently she's going to be closing on a house in early July. And she's so excited and happy about it. I'm wearing a big smile right now, just hearing her be that happy makes me feel good myself.

~smiles contentedly~

Catch you later, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Mulder: Whatever happened to playing a hunch, Scully? The element of surprise, random acts of unpredictabilty? If we fail to anticipate the unforeseen or expect the unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilites, we may find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be programmed, categorized or easily referenced.


Mulder: I owe you everything, and Scully, you owe me nothing.


Mulder (and later mirrored by Scully): If I quit now, they win.

From "X-files: Fight the Future"

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well...I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep. (always a dangerous thing, heh) I realized that some of the happiest times have been simple moments. This might sound a little corny, but here it is anyway. The ones that came to me where the handful of times I've been able to stand and watch a couple of my close friends playing with there children. Every now and again, I get a moment where they don't know I'm there and I can just watch. And to see my good friends that happy and too have something so good...well, its almost overwhelming. Pure joy.

Only later, much later, like now does it becoming slightly tinged with a feel of...loss. Just knowing that those moments for me, will only come vicariously. Its something thats just not in the cards for me. Fortunately, its something I understand and can live with...and therefore don't dwell on.

Anyway, just some musings. Farewell, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I've always considered myself a good listener. One of those things I do well. Now, I don't think its true. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of a friend...and they were just rambling on about different problems and such...and I don't mind, not at all. But, it dawned on me--its not the listening, its the not talking. :dozey:

~feels the niche grew even smaller~

Anyway, I'll catch you later, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"Hang onto your hopes my friend
That's an easy thing to say
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again"

The Bangles--Hazy Shade of Winter

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"Sometimes in my bed at night
I curse the dark and a pray for light
And sometimes, the light's no consolation
Blinded by a memory
Afraid of what it might do to me
And the tears and the sweat only mock my desperation"

Huey Lewis and the News--Walking On A Thin Line

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sometime I wish I could truly de-evolve. Devolve? ~shrugs~ ~doesn't care~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I quote this about everywhere, I think. Both are from the song 'Rumbleseat' by John Mellancamp

"I should be drunker than a monkey, but I don't like to drink"
"I'd have a nervous breakdown, but I don't believe in shrinks"

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"All I needed was clarity
And someone to tell me what the fuck is going on
Goddamnit"

Guns and Roses--Coma

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I love the 4th of July. Independence Day. OK, I love fireworks. Watching is fine, but there is something about blowing shit up that just ownz me. Anyway, I was fooling around with my new camera, and trying to catch some of the fireworks that my grandparent's town shoot. And, well, its not exactly the strength of most digital cameras (as far as I know) to be shooting in the dark. Under those conditions, it will hold the shutter open longer...so, I have some odd pictures. Here is one I kinda like tho...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths"

Michelle Branch--Are you happy now?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Lets see...pretty dull stuff to read, I don't doubt, but I upgraded my PC today. I found 256 meg sticks of ram cheap ($20/each) at best buy, so I threw two of those in. And my friend, curse you Matt ~shakes fist~, bought me a gift...a video card. Its an enexpensive one, but it gets me at least to where I can play the current crop of games. Now, if I just had a better processor ;)

K, thats it. Sorry for boring you this time around (like I don't normally :rolleyes:) gentle reader. But, on the bright side, its over now.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"When this cardboard town can no longer amuse you
You see through everything and nothin' seems worthwhile
And hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don't seem to mean anything to you now"

John Mellencamp--Between a Laugh and a Tear

[Malcor Sylverwood]

FaithRipFact
LoveRipApathy
LifeRipPain
PastRipNow
SightRipLies
TruthRipSight

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"I remember eyes that shine
As they looked so hard back into mine "
"I remember words that fell
Like coins into a wishing well"

Bangles

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~sighs~

"Ouch, baby. Very ouch"
Austin "Danger" Powers

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, Malcor walks into a bar...
*THUD*
owwie!
:broken:
~falls unconscous~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, well. I have to tell you about a moment. A moment of near Zen, if you would like ;)

We had a good ol' Kansas storm roll through...nearby counties in tornado warnings and such. 70mph straight line winds. Baseball sized hail. That kind of thing, no sweat ;). So, anyway, the storm rolls past is well to the south...to where I can barely hear any thunder from it. When the storm decides to reach back and give us a reminder of what it is...namely unpredictable.

Apparently, a dry lightning bolt struck the main transformer in town, plunging us into darkness. Nothing terribly unusual about that. But, it was weird. Because the storm had already passed...and it wasn't raining...and all the electricity was gone...and even the crickets and such were quite--well, there was a moment that it was as quite as I can ever recall. Controlling my breathing, I couldn't hear a single thing. Just that slight empty ringing in my ears. For that moment, it was like the entire world had just gone away. And it was not a bad thing.

Well, sounds eventually started coming back, except for the things that needed electricty. And I slept by candlelight untill just a few minutes ago when the power came back.

Anyway, thats it for now, gentle reader. Good night.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

oy...I'm tired...and I don't know why. I think though I've been sleeping, it hasn't been as refreshing as is should be. Dunno.

Anyway, I think I'm all set for my trip, except for the laundry which will need to be done before hand. I picked up something to read on the plane today, so thats good. Oh, one other thing I'm not sure I have ready is my nerves. ~hides under bed~

heh, saw a pair of movies today....I suppose I should write reviews...~sighs~

~waves vaguely to gentle reader~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Oh, almost forgot...stupid self ~smacks self~

I stopped and had dinner with my good friend Bec. She's mostly moved into her new house. Its smaller than the place they were renting before, but its much nicer. And they are buying it. I'm sooooo happy for her. :)

Thats it for now, gentle reader. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I wrote this last night after being awaken by the moonlight streaming through the window. ~playfully shakes fist at full moon~ Anyway, I though of posting this in poetry, but there really isn't any rhyme and only so much reason. ;) So, you've been forewarned, gentle reader.

~waves~


Well, here's one for the next war whenever that may be. It didn't come out nearly as well as I hoped, yet for me it captured a moment. I call it "Moon's Reflection over Kansas". And, I'd like to dedicate it to the one who bonded me. I hope you're out there looking up at this very same moon and have found your happiness.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Found by chance
Gifted by destiny
Carried by intuition

Washed in the geysers breath
Cloaked in the darkness of the solstice's witching hour
Lit by the sparking reflection of the fullest moon

Seen by the magic, the modern, and the mundane seen
Born of mind, heart, and spirit borne
Kissed by friends, family, and fireworks kissed

Placed in a daydream
Lost in a trance
Scattered upon the dreamscape

Lifted by joy
Drowned in pain
Twirled by the bonds of love

Been to the special places
Been nowhere
One last journey to go

This piece of me
Never my own
I give to you

[Malcor Sylverwood]

hmm...I washed my truck today. It was a task long overdue. Sadly, I'd put it off for far too long. And I'm paying the cost. There are a couple spots that aren't coming off, I'm afraid. I'll put a little more work into it, my truck is important enough for that, but it could be permanent. Tree sap, I think. Baked, baked, and baked some more. ~sighs~ Another lesson learned I guess. I can remember when I first got it, it was washed and waxed like every week. Somewhere, it became old hat and I just left it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

OK, I'm done. Perhaps someday I'll be able to fix it...when I can afford a new paint job. But, tomorrow I'll wash and wax it once again, because its all I can do.

I'm sorry, gentle reader, that was horribly boring. Well, fitting anyway.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Oy. I decided to write this here as I didn't want to spoil the good funness of the New York thread. Because that *WAS* good and fun. I'm was teary-eyed when I left...

But, there was a minor bump getting to NY. I had to switch planes at Minneapolis, it was a short stop and I had to run across the bloody airport to meet my plane. Apparently, my luggage wasn't in a running mood and didn't catch the flight. So, I had to wait in NY for a while for my stuff to catch the next flight.

~sighs~

Still, no big deal. I even said to both nightfairy and soulstealer that if a delay getting my suitcase was the worst thing, it was all good. Sadly, that wasn't the worst.

Leaving was bad enough, I wanted to either stay there or kidnap them and bring them with me ;)

Anyway, boarding a plane to Memphis was delayed a little because of severe weather there...but I had an hour between landing and my next flight, so no big deal. That is until about an hour into the flight, we turn around and go back to NY...apparently the storm had knocked out the power in Memphis.

Crap.

OK, so I have to wait in a bloody line with everyone else to talk to a ticketing agent. So, I get a new flight...this time going to Dallas before going to Wichita. Thats not good because its a later and longer flight with a longer delay in Dallas. But, whatever, it would get me home.

Or so I thought.

Well, they board the plane to Dallas...then we had to sit there for an extra half hour because lightning at the airport had shut down all the ground crews...so the plane has no fuel.

~shakes head~

OK, so...finally we take off. Flying, flying, flying to Dallas. About an hour away from Dallas, the captian gets on the mic and says we've been put in a holding pattern because Dallas in getting some weather.

Oh...it gets better.

He goes on to say we have enough fuel for about 10 minutes of this, then we'd have to divert to Tulsa. I still had hopes.

Silly me.

A moment later, the captain comes back an says that the delay might be an hour or more...so we're headed to Tulsa.

Mind you, Tulsa is closer to home than Dallas. ~rolleyes~ But, when we get there, nobody can apparently find out if there is a way to get me from Tulsa to Wichita.

Bah.

OK, we get refuelled and on our way to Dallas...I've already missed the scheduled departure time for my flight, but the flight crew reassures us that becuase the delay was weather related, it would be quite possible our flights were all pushed back.

Good luck on that one.

Alright, we get to Dallas. We land. Huzzah! But no. We sit on the tarmac. We sit on the tarmac. And so on. About every half an hour the crew comes on and says we should get somewhere in 10 minutes. All told, I think I spent 2 hours on the plane in Dallas...not moving.

I wanted to kill someone...or at least just get OFF THE FUCKING PLANE! I sat on that plane for about 8 hours all told. ~kills airline in the face~

So, of course, when I finally do get into the airport there are, of course, no flights to Wichita. So, I get to wait in line again. The next flight is tomorrow morning. I get a discounted room at a nearby hotel. Discounted...not free.

Bastards.

Ug...takes forever to get checked in at the hotel. And I go to my room. I should have just stayed in the terminal, no way was I really going to sleep anyway. I was angry frustrated lonely tired sad and about a million other things. Including hungry. My total intake for the day: a bottle of chocolate milk, one cup of water, a packet of pretzles, and a brown soggy apple from the hotel counter.

Yeah...just great. Anyway, its over. I'll talk to you later, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

hmph...I was planning on being at a family reunion today (mostly for the food), but I overslept (mostly because I didn't get a wakeup call that I was supposed to). So, now I'm stuck here for yet another day. ~is seriously starting to loathe these 4 walls~ Sadly, I'll be stuck here for at least the next year, unless I win the lottery or something ~rolleyes~ Hopefully, it won't be so bad soon, as I go back to class...that will at least take me out of the house during the week. Although I'm not really looking forward to the 45 minute drive to and from class.

~sighs and laments the fact he isn't still in NY~

Oh well...I guess, gentle reader, I'm resigned to make myself some mac and cheese today. hmph.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

whoa...I don't know what it is...just got rolled by a wave a tiredness. Tiredness on all fronts...physical, sleepy, emotional. ugh. It hurts...I'm going to bed in hopes of finding a cure.

Until the next time, gentle reader, should I not pull a Rip Van Winkle.

ow

~waves wearily~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

NOTES TO SELF

Things to Remember


I am The Hermit.
The prison of glass panes is my own doing.
The glass reflects all things back to me wherever I look.
Like a microscope some things are made to seem to be out of proportion.
Like a funhouse some things are not quite what they seem.
The results are a creation of the cards I was dealt AND they way I chose to play my hand.
I am The Hermit.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Another desc of The Hermit tarot card, I like this one...its not bad.


Thirteen's Tarot Basics
THE HERMIT
Basic Symbols

A robed man or monk carrying a lantern. A barren landscape.

Basic Story

After a long and busy lifetime, building, creating, loving, hating, fighting, compromising, failing, succeeding, the Fool feels a profound need to retreat. In a small, rustic home deep in the woods, he hides, reading, cleaning, organizing, resting or just thinking. But every night at dusk he head out, traveling across the bare, autumnal landscape. He carries only a staff and a lantern.

It is during these restless walks from dusk till dawn, peering at and examining whatever takes his fancy, that he sees and realizes things he's missed, about himself and the world. It is as if the secret corners in his head were being slowly illuminated, corners he never knew existed. In a way, he has become the Fool again; as in the beginning, he goes wherever inspiration leads him. But as the Fool, his staff rested on his shoulder, carrying unseen his pack. The Fool was like the pack, whatever it was he could be was wrapped up, unknown. The Hermit's staff leans out before him, not behind. And it carries a lantern, not a pack. The Hermit is like the lantern, illuminated from within by all he is.

Basic Meaning

Represented by Virgo, the Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. This is not a time for socializing; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. Nor is it a time for action, discussion or decisions. It is a time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent during this time of withdrawal. But such times lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

In regards to people, the Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist, someone the Querent usually sees alone, someone the rest of the Querent's friends and family may not know about. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing. They will help the Querent find what it is they are seeking.

Thirteen's Observations

One of the important things about this card is that the Hermit is always shown on the move. He's never locked away in his reclusive cell, he's always out wandering, searching. That, to me, is a Virgo. I'm married to one, I know. The Hermit is the restless mind of the Virgo, always gathering information, analyzing, making connections. Virgos are skeptics, and if anyone is going to stick a lantern into a dark place and take a good look at what's going on, it is a Virgo.

The Hermit is a card of connections and enlightenment. Combined with a desire to just "be alone," the Querent who gets this card is probably feeling impatient with people who disturb their peace or who can't see what they're seeing ("Are you blind?" might be their refrain, or, more typically, "You just don't get it, and I can't explain it to you."). In typical Virgo fashion, they're likely to be grumpy and anti-social. But for the Querent (if no one else!) this is a special time. Like an artist who hides for days then emerges to paint a masterpiece, this quiet time allows all the pieces to fall into place. So go ahead and encourage them to go on late night drives, long walks, hide in their room or go on retreat for a month. When they come back, they'll see everything in a brand new light. It'll be the best thing for them, and for everyone else in their lives.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

My 'sign' has alway meant little to me, but I just stumbled across this desc which I like, and fits in most ways.


Cancer, The Crab

Cancers are nurturing and sensitive. They often appear tough on the outside, but this is only a shield that protects them. Really, they're quite vulnerable. Their sensitivity makes them very acute when it comes to reading the emotions of others, and they will easily convince you that they are psychic.

Cancers love the security and comfort of their homes. Approaching their coworkers as a second family, they can be effective leaders. They need a steady job so that they can protect their home and family.

A lifelong mate appeals to the Cancer. They are caring and open in their relationships, and prefer someone who can understand them on an intuitive level. If they are unhappy, they will become moody and self-pitying. In a positive relationship, they are both emotionally open and independent.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

NOTES TO SELF

Things to Remember


I am The Hermit.
Some battles cannot be won, some cannot even be fought.
Promises are like panes of glass; when upheld they are transparent, when broken they can cut deep.
Forgotten promises are worse, not only are the shards of glass sharp but also dagger shaped and weilded with deadly skill.
Sometimes to keep the things we want, we must let go.
Sometimes letting go is the worst thing to do.
I am The Hermit.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Not much more to say about this...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time"

Whitesnake--Here I go again

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OMG...my head is spinning so bad. When I woke up, I thought my bed was flying end over end. Even now, everything is twirling, its making me queasy...ugh.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

oy...hasn't gone away. My first thought it was in my head, with some of the things that are going on. But I can't shake it, so I'm wondering if its something physical.

Guh, I hope I'm not getting sick or something.

Anyway, something did happen last night. Something important. Something big. And none of it they way I wanted it to be. Well, more likely, I became fully aware of something big and important that had happened. I've looked at it everyway that I can, I've gone over it a million times in my head, but no matter what, I can't make anything else out of it. I gave it all I had to give, and was found wanting. No blame, at least to me. "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life." Although, I'm pretty sure mistakes were made along the way, nothing that would have affected the outcome, I'm afraid. In some ways, if it had been a mistake (of mine), it would have been simpler...easier to accept. Something tangible to point to.

~sighs~ It still hurts. And I expect it will for some time. But, the sun will rise and set again, as it always has. And tomorrow is a new day.

OK, so thats my brave front, when in truth, I'm scared and not really sure what to do.

~sighs~

Tried watching some TV to make this spinning, dizziness/vertigo go away. And the song "Bring me to life" by Evanescence was on...VH1 I think. So, gentle reader, I'll leave you with the lyrics...

Evanescence--Bring me to life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors,
leading you down into my core, where i've become so numb.
without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold,
until you find it there and lead it back home.

[wake me up]
wake me up inside,
[i can't wake up]
wake me up inside,
[save me]
call my name and save me from the dark.
[wake me up]
bid my blood to run,
[i can't wake up]
before i come undone.
[save me]
save me from the nothing i've become.

now that i know what i'm without,
you can't just leave me.
breathe into me and make me real.
bring me to life.

[wake me up]
wake me up inside,
[i can't wake up]
wake me up inside,
[save me]
call my name and save me from the dark.
[wake me up]
bid my blood to run,
[i can't wake up]
before i come undone.
[save me]
save me from the nothing i've become.
bring me to life.
[i've been living a lie.
there's nothing inside.]


frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling,
only you are the life among the dead.

all this time, i can't believe i couldn't see,
kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me.
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems.
got to open my eyes to everything.
without a thought, without a voice, without a soul,
don't let me die here.
there must be something more,
bring me to life.

[wake me up]
wake me up inside,
[i can't wake up]
wake me up inside,
[save me]
call my name and save me from the dark.
[wake me up]
bid my blood to run,
[i can't wake up]
before i come undone.
[save me]
save me from the nothing i've become.

bring me to life.
[i've been living a lie.
there's nothing inside.]

bring me to life.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I...I just want to be asleep. More than I've ever wanted to be asleep before. More than anything else in the world right this second. Why do you deny me, sleep? I'd gladly trade you for any nightmares you'd dare throw this way. Please? :cry:

Wait! I've an idea! ~bashes head head against wall--hard and repeatedly~ :shattered: DAMN! No go...just a headache...or rather a worse headache.

Blech. Is it morning yet, gentle reader? ;)


PS. My apologies to Mike for this post...whining when I probably don't deserve to...if anyone's stealing my sleep vibe, I hope its you...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Its funny how things work out, or don't as the case may be. I'm starting to feel almost human again, or at least the world has stopping spinning in my head. Hey, its a start. I'm still not what to do, or how to be. Fortunately, to an extent, that I've not been confronted with having to actualy have it figured it out. Of course, that will be a whole other ballgame. Actually, thinking about it..I don't think it will be. It shouldn't be any different, wasn't that the point? ~sighs~ I don't know...it'll sure feel different. I realize I'm just rambling, but I'm trying to get some of these thoughts out of my head and perhaps find some order or meaning...or something. Trying hard not to follow my instincts...my insticts are screaming to just run away, retreat, fall back. To go back to whats comfortable. And, should things have worked out a little differently, I might have. There's an irony in that, that I'm not even sure I could explain. The same reason, different effect. <--me--> Pulling in oppisite directions, even more confusing. So, yeah, I can't run...not know. I owe it. Its not easy tho. Why is nothing ever easy? Or simple? Stupid complicatedness. So, where was I? I don't know either, perhaps its for the best. At least I'm not keeping myself in bed...although it IS tempting. Blah, blah, blah, and so on.

Thanks, gentle reader...I owe you too. Do you know that? Well, you do now. And I take my debts seriously.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"Trust no one, Mr Mulder" -Well Manicured Man

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Not a good sign...I just got some books that I'd ordered (and forgotten about). Well, lets just say that almost human feeling slid back away some. ~sighs~ The reason I wanted to read them, well, it seems distant now. If not painful. So, I'm just going to leave them in the box and put them out of sight for the moment.

bah

"Survival is the ultimate ideology" - Well-Manicured Man

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Speaking of reflections and "shades of gray"...I knew I'd been hearing that phrase a lot recently, and I just now figured it out on the drive home...

MICHELLE BRANCH--"Love Me Like That"
(feat. Sheryl Crow)

Well you stole my heart
And I'll get it back
But look me in the eye babe
Tell me why ya love me like that
Why ya love me like that

Well I've walked this world
Five times or more
And after all this walking babe
You still got me crawlin on the floor
crawlin on the floor
And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning

[Chorus]
How can you turn and walk away
Pretending everythings okay?
How can you turn your back?
Tell me why ya love me like that
why ya love me like that?

Well I thought you'd listen
But I'm shattered like broken glass
Well I thought that we'd be different babe
Yeah, I thought that we would last
I thought that we would last
And I know this world keeps on spinning
Every minute that you're in it

[Chorus]

Love me or leave me baby but don't lead me on
With loving like yours believe me i'm better off
I"m better off alone
Well I was your gypsy
Throwing diamonds at your feet
Drifted round you like a satellite
Gave you everything you need
Everything you need
And I know this world keeps on turning
Keeps me yearning and yearning

[Chorus]

How can you just break away
Why can't you find the words to say
Love is something you work at
Tell me why ya love me like that
Why ya love me like that
How can you throw us away
Look at what you lost today
Now everything is shades of gray
And now you're pushing me away
Say all the things you want to say
Thought we were going all the way
Play all the games you wanna play
Slowly we just fade away

[Malcor Sylverwood]

This is just too good...must keep it around. And not for my ego either, but for things like "I know you really do have the ego of a sea worm". I'm still WTP'ing at that one...hehehe


Originally posted by wendy
Yah I agree with NF Malcor, you're not even overweight by modern standards, all I can imagine is that you've been reading cosmopolitan magazine too much imagine that everyone looks like flipping calvin klien models (who are usually very unattracive imo anyway) :rolleyes: Plus beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder (ie, sure to some people you prolly are as ugly as hell), it's 90% confidence and the way you carry yourself. SO basically by putting yourself down you really ARE making yourself ugly. Now i know you ain't fishing for compliments cos I know you really do have the ego of a sea worm, but I am telling the truth when I list your qualities, you have beautiful eyes, plus a cute and mischevious smile, plus clear skin (always a bonus, I don't think anyone understands the meaning of feeling ugly till they've had bad bad acne) plus a face that is quite pleasant to look at. I didn't feel the urge to look away or dry retch once! :rolleyes:

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Fortunately, to an extent, that I've not been confronted with having to actualy have it figured it out.
Well, well, well...so it begins.

Test type 1: At the time, I thought I'd passed with flying colors. In retrospect, I'm not sure I performed so well. I think the problem was it was TOO easy, too natural. It wanted to pull me back to how it used to be. That I cannot allow. Must remain firm. I have the course laid out before me.

Test type 2: Not doing so well with this one. I don't know if its simply because of my failings in test 1 or if it is just difficult because. I'd like to say its the first, but I think its the second.

Well, nobody said it would be easy...

Again, the hermit isn't entirely of my doing...and sometimes its more comfortable. I've said I won't give in, I won't retreat, and I'm trying to hold to that.

K, enough completely vague nothings for now, gentle reader. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Oh, a quick addition to my last entry. Tests 1 and 2 will be repeated...but there is at least one addition test...I'm pretty sure its coming. Sometime. Someday. I'm not looking forward to that at all. It will be the end all of all the tests. So, I'll wait. And wait. I hate waiting.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OK, adding people into an MSN chat thing without asking first is just bad form...FYI

~scowls~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Guy of Gisbourne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff: Because it's DULL, you twit, it'll hurt more!

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me."
-Sarah

[Malcor Sylverwood]

oy...not much I hate more than not being able to sleep. I lay there, then just as soon as I can feel sleep just about take me either another thought runs through my head that I'm forced to chase or I roll over...usually against my own wishes. Odd that. Its like my body betrays me. Me: Be still. Body: No ~flop~ Me: ARGH! The thought thing I'm pretty used to, that happens far too often. But, I have been accused, on more than one occasion, by more than one person, of thinking to much. Thinking to much for my own good.

Another rough day on the testing front. Both tests again, I really think I'm slipping. I had to shut down for about an hour. Find a dark corner. Wrap my cloak around me and recharge, as it were. Plus, new confusion...I really can't think of anyway to explain it. Well, thats not true, exactly, but to explain in the same fashion. This is in far too many ways too complicated. But, its the way it has to be. Oh, and test 3...I thought it was about to happen...I could feel my heart pound, its that scary.

Crap...I have to get up in a few hours myself. I have to drive to Emporia and work out some more details for school. I need to get the rest of my books and such. I also have to get an account with the local bank so the school has some place to put my extra loan money. Money I desperately need to pay of (some) of my credit cards. :eek:

On the bright side, I might also drive down to El Dorado, and hang out with Bec. With any luck, she'll have internet access, and I can start showing her around. Having her online would be such a boon. She really is my touchstone. I've known her almost my entire life, and all of my life that I can remember. I can't remember anything really before her, certainly not any kind of life, and I can't imagine life without her. Just the sound of her voice recenters my entire universe. It doesn't matter how crazy, or bad, or anything things are...just a simple conversation, and things seem better. Of course, if she does come online...she might see all this. Hmm...odd ~ponders~

Oh well, gentle reader...oh well. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

The circle is reuniting...even if in cyberspace. The Hermit, The Magician, and The Star. :D If I could ever break The Fool of his EverCrack addiction, I'd be a happy camper.

Although, the Hermit is back in more ways than one. He's a tough cookie to resist.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I think at this point I can choose to be the Hermit or have that mantle forced upon me.

Which would you choose, gentle reader?

~sighs and waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

SCULLY: Living in the city you forget a lot of things. You know what I was just thinking about, being mugged or hit by a car, It's not until you get back to nature that you realize that EVERYTHING is out to get you. So my father always told me to respect nature, because it has no respect for you.

Scully: You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or mysteries, everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~sigh~

Goodnight, goodnight, and goodnight

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, yeah...its getting to be a long day. I decided to stay in Emporia until 7 to go to a chem review extra session in hopes of getting caught up in lab. I'm not even sure it'll work...if it doesn't I'll fall behind yet another day. :dozey: So, yeah...up at 6, out of class at 2, sit around till 7. Fortunately, I have a cousin in town, so I was able to catch her for dinner which killed some time. I finished the book I've been reading. So, here I am...in the cybercafe in the student union.

Note to self: Bring camera to school tomorrow for Bio Lab--field trip to Campus woods.

And nightfairy, if you read this, I did bring my camera that first day, but it was too bloody hot and I was busy trying to figure things out. I'll get some pics as the weather cools...maybe even as the leaves change.

OK, I'll catch you later gentle reader ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Tired.

But, one thing I want to talk about quickly...driving to school this morning was an adventure. Foggy. At times as foggy as I've ever driven through...out on the highway going maybe 35 and feeling like its too fast...hehe. mmm...eyestrain from trying to see through the fog--even when you know its impossible. Still, it brought to mind some fond memories.

~sighs~

bye bye, gentle reader ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

"Even when my world was falling apart, you were my constant...my touchstone." -- Mulder
"And you are mine. " -- Scully

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I hate being angry. I hate, hate, hate it! While you, gentle reader, may or may not beleive it...I'm not an angry person. Like my mother, I tend to get hurt and upset before getting mad. And usually when I do finally get pissed...a brief walk or reading for a bit or anything away from the problem and I'm good. Cooled off and ready to actually confront the problem.

~sighs~ I think I've lost my point. Maybe I never ever had one. I guess I'm up at 3am because I'm angry...and that's just making it worse. :dozey:

Anyway, I'm going to crawl back to bed, and try to catch a few more Z's before my alarm goes off and I have to go drive and sit through calc class. I think I'm more worried about falling asleep in calc class. lol

I use my TV as my alarm clock, btw. It has a wake up timer...and no snooze button. Most times I set it to VH1 so I wake up to music videos.

OK, enough stalling. Goodnight, gentle reader. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Yeah...next day...still pissed. I almost feel sorry for anyone who would cross me at this point...or until I can release this crap.

:mad: :mad: :mad:

:furious: :furious: :furious:

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Wow...the drive to school this morning was...interesting. The first quarter was great...driving and watching lightning all around me. It wasn't long before I got into the heart of the storm tho. So between the rain reducing the visibility to about 0, the water pooling on the highway, and the near blinding lightning strikes...well, lets just say there was more than one close call.

I swear, this winter with the snow and ice, that drive will be the end of me. Quite possibly literally too. :dozey:

Let me wish you fair weather, gentle reader ;)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

guh

I'm currently skipping class. And I feel guilty about it :dozey:

Anyway, its not without reason...I'm going to all my other classes despite this severe headache sitting behind my left eye and a upset stomach...but I didn't feel at all like jogging--thats the class I skipped. PE :rolleyes:

I'm still struggling to try to memorize the chem table crap...why is it I need to memorize this table of polyatomic ions anyway? Isn't that what they MAKE tables for? :dozey:

So, I guess I'll sign off from the cybercafe here at school. Farewell, gentle reader ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

To my friends who aren't having such a good time now ~hugs to bec~ ~hugs to T~

Anyway, on a brighter note...there was music on campus today. I don't know what it was, I'm guessing a concert of some sort, because I could here it from one end of the campus to the other. And the were covering songs...good stuff too. I've forgotten what songs, except for Evanescence's 'Bring me to life'. It was a little odd, because it was a little less rock and a little more hip hop. But the singer sounded GOOD, although I was some distance from the source.

Anyway, thats it. 5am rolls around too quickly in these parts. I must be abed. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OMG...

MENTAL NOTE: No sleep aids EVER AGAIN!

"Why?" you ask, gentle reader. Because I took a couple Tylenol PM last night hoping to get a good nights sleep so that maybe I'd feel ok today. And, I slept. Oh yes, I slept.

BUT THE DREAMS. Holy cow...I've been awake for almost an hour and still haven't shaken all of them off. And it wasn't just the dreams themselves, but the fact I COULD NOT WAKE from them. ~shudders uncontrably~

I think I need a hug... :(

Instead, I get to go to class (and infect god knows how many people with this flu type illness). wee! <-- Note lack of enthusiasm. I just want to crawl back into bed (NOT TO SLEEP-still afraid), maybe watch some TV, maybe read a bit.

Oh well.

Good day, gentle reader. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well...doesn't this just sucK? :(

bah...myeh...

~waves halfheartedly~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Man, it was too much work to be able to get in here to post...and nobody will be able to read it until the attachement thing is fixed. :dozey: Which probably isn't so bad...but ~shrugs~

Anyway...I hate being sick. Its like the physical affects the emotional. As I physically and mentally get more tired, and frustrated at being sick, it drags me down. I try to not let it, I try to smile and be nice. meh. I try to keep myself in good spirits...but I don't. meh. It sucks. I hate it. I don't like being unhappy. ~sighs~

Oh well, I'll survive. And, I think I'm getting better...I hope...

Looks like I probably miss the Ren Fest this year for the first time in ages. 2 weekends left. I just get get anyone to go with, and don't really wanna have to go on my own. :(

~sighs~

Shut up, Malcor

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

It really seems to me that I should be able to say something here and now. But, all it comes to is I don't feel...right. I don't know what exactly, and I don't have any clue why. Everything seems to be going more than well enough...but...~shrugs~

Well, be well, gentle reader. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I'm thinking I won't be around much for a few days. Tomorrow I have to stay around school to stay for a chem review...maybe. And, I dunno. I think it comes back to my last post, just not feeling right. Maybe a little time in my more natural state. ~shrugs~ Its all an addiction, so I don't know anything will really change. And I'm not going away, I'll still be here...just perhaps not so much. ~shrugs again~

Till next, gentle reader ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Malcor stands straight and tall, breathing only shallowly. Taking a deep clearing breath, he smoothly draws his rapier. Moving slowly at first, he works through the forms. Collected, calm, and cool he slowly and steadily increases his pace. Moving fast now, a sheen of sweat appears, glistening in the harsh lantern light. Still the paces increases, slowly becoming frenetic. Fighting an unseen enemy that only he can see, he pours ever last piece of himself into the battle, even though its a fight he cannot win. Finally, unable to maintain the pace, he wills himself to stop. Glaring balefully at the razor-edged blade, he spins throwing the sword as far away as he can. A single tear rolls down his cheek, and frustrated he kicks the lantern, immersing the scene in total darkness.

THE END

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Feeling a little better, gentle reader. Actually starting to feel like talking to people again. Not everything is right with my universe....but better.

Went to the Ren Fest with my cuz, and that helped. The leaves changing colors helps. Little stuff like that. ~nods~

Thats it for now...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, was that a train whistle I just heard, or was it my imagination? ;)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Theres nothing like the smell of effort wasted on a futile cause in the morning, is there?

~inhales deeply~

~sniffles~

hmph, must be allergic...

Farewell, gentle reader

~curt wave~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well....so far...not a bad day, not a bad day at all.

I passes my gateway exam that I've been stressing over this last week. Man, I'm so glad thats over. I hope I never have another test like that...the whole pass/fail and 9/10 thing sucks. Not to mention, I spent all my time studying for it, so my chem test suffered for it. I'm not sure how much, but it definately suffered.

Then, I went to the early session of my biology lecture, so I could leave an hour early. And instead of just racing home to jump on here (like I usually do), I got off the highway. I drove back on country roads, having no idea where I was going. Zigzagging back and forth through the hills. Gravel roads. It was fun. And kansas still looks good, not everything is brown yets. Very earthy, browns, greens, reds, yellows, oranges. Good stuff.

You should try that sometime, gentle reader. Or come over and we'll go off together and explore these flint hills :)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

This is one of the pics I took on my rambling yesterday...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I'd just like to say thanks to my friends. And esp my touchstone. :love: I don't know what I'd do without you guys... ~hugs~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Stupid sun...coming out on my drive home and looking all inspirational and making me feel better when feeling grouchy felt so right :grumbles:

Anyway, I was thinking on the drive home how pursuing a graduate degree is an old lost dream of mine, something I'd given up on when I entered the workforce the first time. Now that I'm back on that course, it feels good. A weight lifted, even tho I'd conceded and forgotten about it. It really makes me wonder how many broken or lost dreams I'm carrying around. I can think of one, although its one I haven't forgotten ever, and I know it weighs fairly heavily on me. The dream of having a family of mine. Its something I've *known* for a long time would never be in the cards for me, so I've discounted it. Yet it lingers. And it really is a drag. I'm also sure there are many others, most of which that I can't even conscously remember, that are there. hmm.

Anyway, one dream is once again on course, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much... :)

Talk to you later, gentle reader, and maybe someday you can rightfully address me as Doctor. hehe

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Hmm...of course, even were the opportunity to arise, I'm not sure I'd chose to have kids. For one, I'm really not sure I trust this world enough to bring a child into it. And second, I don't think I'm ready, or ever will be, to be a father. The one thing that I think is most important to raising a kid, is something I lack...patience. And I'm also afraid I'd end up too much like my father :dozey: But, you aren't getting paid enough, gentle reader, to get into that ;)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I was pondering today another dream I've given up. And its kinda amusing, because anyone who knows me (and is honest with both me and themselves) would know how...inconcievable it is.

To learn to play guitar.

Now, I've barely an artistic bone in my body, so thats not a good place to start. Throw in the fact that I'm tone deaf and have no rhythm....well, you can see pretty quickly how silly it is. But, its still there anyway. I'll see an informercial on TV for a guitar and a lesson book, and I'll be like 'ooooooh'. lol

Anyway, just something else to file away, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Good day, good friend, good food, good movies, good times. :)

Man, I almost clocked another deer on the highway...this one just ran across the road, there would have been nothing I could have done...I missed it by maybe five feet. Hitting a deer at 70mph = bad

Thank god I carry a pinch of fairydust in my pocket ;)

You should find yourself some fairydust too, gentle reader, the world would be a better place if everyone had some I think. :D

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Gawd dammit!

I just missed another deer...this is #3 in recent memory. Sooner or later, my luck is gonna run out... :(

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Fever...eyes feel like they are melting...delirious...

~goes to lay down~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Slept...feel almost human again...still hot

Finding the Chiefs lost doesn't help...

~sighs~

I also have a biology test tomorrow...dunno if I'm gonna get any useful studying in. doh

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Oh yes...nearly forgot...

Monday night was deer near miss #4... :rolleyes:

I should be studying for my chem test friday...but here I am. Even worse, I'm planning on stopping and picking up The Two Towers exteded edition tonite...:umm:

hehe...oh well...grades aren't important, right? Right?

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

:( Why do I feel like I just did the stupidest thing possible.

Well, gentle reader, its simple.

Its because I may very well have...

~sighs~

I gonna try to turn back to my studying now.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, with any luck, I'll get to kidnap my Star tomorrow...

please,please,please

:D

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Oh, and I'd like to say thanks to Mes for being around and putting up with no small amount of whining... :)

~hugs Mes~

~waves again~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

ahh...my kidnapping scheme worked well...

~has mad kidnapping skills~

heh

~is content~

~hugs Star~

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

No. You know what? There ARE answers. Not all of them, of course, not yet--maybe not ever. But, enough for probably 99% of the people in the world. The reason, I think, most people think to themselves there are no answers is because of a pair of spectacular human abilities. Denial and self-justification. Why is that? Because so many of the answers aren't what we want them to be. Because we hate some of the answers that we would find. Because having the answers would be more difficult, take more effort, than not having them and just imagining the world is what you want it to be.

Of course, its quite possible that I'm just justifying this all to myself, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

There are a lot of things I could, even want to, say here...but I'm not sure *how*. Anyway...

I was driving to class this morning, just thinking. I have an hour drive to and from school, so that how I pass the time. I usually have music on, but even it tends to fade as the thoughts rolling in my head take charge. So, I'm thinking...and I think I finally resolve something that I've been working on for some time now. Something that had felt like a rubber band strechted inside of me. I think the reason it felt like that is for something I've talked about before. I've been trying to believe what I want to believe, and denying and justifying things to myself. Finally letting go of that, didn't just release the strain on the rubber band, it cut it. Now, that might not sound like so much, but the was an actual physical sensation. It was as if the world skipped ahead...or like time ran in fast forward for a moment. It literally blurred my vision, stretching things on the sides, as if I were going hundreds of miles per hour. It really was bizarre, but not entirely unpleasant.

Anyway, I need to go...I should at least look over my notes for the biology test. I need a 95% to get an A, but only like and 80% to get an A-. So, I've pretty well resigned myself to getting an A-. heh

Thanks again, gentle reader. And have a happy holiday season...if I don't get back to you before then ;)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Gentle reader, I cannot sleep. heh

So, what to talk about? I really don't have anything that springs to mind.

hmm...looking at my last post about school. I must say that turned out much better than I expected it to. I got all A's (The highest mark for those of you who don't use the ABCDF thing) in all my classes, except for my PE class--LOL. Even in Biology, where I know my grade worked out to an A-, its being reported on the schools website as a A. So, I don't know if she used a curve, or just didn't report the -, or what. But I'm not complaining. What I will complain about is my Calculus grade is showing up as a C...which is just a mistake and will get cleared up...I just hate how bad it looks. Anyway, its a good start, better than I expected for having been out of school for several years. But, its just that--a start. I have a long ways to go yet. And this next term is going to be really math intensive. Chemistry II, Calculus II, and Physics. Plus, my Tuesdays are going to suck...in to Calc lab at 7am...out of Chem lab at 5pm...with a physics lab in the middle. It wouldn't be so bad except I live an hour away from school, so I generally have to hang out even when I'm not in class. I do hope I can move up there this coming year, but I'm not sure if that will work out. And, if it doesn't, at least I can pay of my credit card :umm:

heh

Anyway, thats enough rambling for now, gentle reader. Good night and good dreams :)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

For my touchstone...


The Symbolism of the Star Card

The Star is the light of hope. Shining in the night, sending light into darkness, the stars provide direction to sailors and are a field on which to dream.

Humanity used to look up at the sky and desire to be there, to find out what it all meant, and now we have been a distance into space and have elementary ideas of the makeup of all the different stars. This kind of achievement adds further fuel to our hopes.

The eternal, slow-moving stars that will be long shining past the end of our own existence provide hope of immortality, and the vast space they suggest and the very mystery they hold provide us with excitement and knowledge yet to be discovered.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I just got a call from a good friend of mine...his father is in the hospital in a serious state...

~sends postive thoughts~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~paces restlessly in the cell of his of own mind~

Things. Things to be said. But things mostly I cannot say. Many reasons, even more excuses.

~adds a stomp to the pivot on his pacing~

hmph

Things beyond my reasoning, beyond my comprehension. Yet, I have the answers. I just don't like them. They *GNAW*. They scratch and rend and bite. But mustly they just gnaw away at you. The harder you push them away, the deeper hold they seem to get. At best, they can be forgotten until its just the annoying buzz of a cloud of mosquitos.

~gets annoyed at the noise, goes back to pacing quietly~

Wounds. Time cannot heal all wounds, no matter what the saying says. Unless it means the wounds no longer matter once you move past this thing we call life. But, thats really not healing either. I'm not sure any wound truly completely heals.

~stops for a moment, then resumes pacing~

Bah! Cynical. I've become much more cynical than I ever wanted to be. But, day by day, step by step, my childish naivety is stripped away. And, in my opinion, its not worth it. In that respect (and probably more), I'm Peter Pan. Tell me you'll give me a kiss, and I'll hold out my hand, not knowing what expect. Metaphorically anyway. Even I'm not *quite* that naive, although I wouldn't mind being.

~stops again, stares at the bars of the cell, makes faces at the bars~

heh. That helps. Even just smiling helps. Must not forget this. Something important to remember, something to fight the callousness of the world. Just smile. The world will hit you, have no doubt about that. Even as you look to move away, or fight back, or solve the problem somehow...smile. If it hits you again, smile still. If it hits you BECAUSE you're smiling, smile bigger, more.

~forces a smile, realizes he looks mostly insane, resumes pacing~

Well...all these words, and what have I said. I'd guess its something close to nothing. I tend to trust my guesses. But, I always admit the possibility I'm wrong. But, even if I am wrong, I'll do what I have to do. Just like everyone else.

~pauses~

Goodnight...er...goodmorning, gentle reader. Thanks for helping me carry my insanity--or whatever it might be.

~wanders off to the cot in the corner of the cell~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

from "Look Away" by Chicago

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~whistles jauntily~

Hi-ho, hi-ho, its off to see Star I go

~resumes whistling~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~sighs~

OK, my grandmother on my father's side is in the hospital, and has been for week's. Unfortunately, they keep finding things wrong with her. Her condition is...well, let me just say that pretty much the entire family is gathered, people have flown in from Cali and Nevada...

So, with that and school starting tomorrow, I'm not sure how much I'll be around and how much I'll be gone. Just so you all know or at least have some idea...

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OK...I've debated a great while on whether I should post my thought or not. This is likely to be horribly deep and revealing...probably revealing more than I'd like. I think there are some of you who will read this that will not like it. You may be offended, hurt, even feel betrayed. And for that, I'm sorry. But, just like you, I have to do what I have to do. That being said...I'm giving you one last chance to avoid reading this by using spoiler text. Thank you, gentle reader, and good luck.

I like this snack, "Combos--Pepperoni Pizza". They are horribly addictive, and no doubt horrible bad for you. And, to be perfectly honest, they seem to be a little too close to dog treats for my comfort. But, thats the way it goes.

Thank you.

~bows~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

One of the few good things about winter...the world can be transformed into crystal and glass...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Might as well follow everyone's lead...esp since I'm probably one of the few true DnD nerds among you. You all should actually play sometime... :p


You Are A:

Lawful Good Elf Paladin Ranger
Follower Of Tyr

Alignment:
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Deity:
Tyr is the Lawful Good god of justice. He is also known as Tyr Grimjaws, Wounded Tyr, the Maimed God, and Blind Tyr. He appears as a warrior, missing his hand. Followers of Tyr are concerned first and foremost with justice - discovering the truth and punishing the guilty for their crimes. They wear blue and purple robes with a white sash, a white gauntlet on the left hand, and a black gauntlet on the right, to symbolize Tyr's lost hand. Their preferred weapon is the warhammer. Tyr's symbol is a set of scales resting on a warhammer.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I can't wait for this week to be over...I'm bloody tired. And now I'm just sitting around waiting for my Calc II gateway...and even just sitting here I'm getting more and more tired. Too much stress this week and too little sleep. Still, it hasn't been all bad...looks like I'm going to be able to get a DnD group and going...and thats always fun, even if it is more work for me. Plus, my advisor gave me some good news this morning...I might not have to go to school another two years to get my bs in chemistry--instead take one more year of classes and then switch straight into grad school for my masters (since I already have one BS degree (in computer info systems)). So, thats good...going to grad school allows me to borrow more cash, plus I'll get a stipend :D So, absolutely no more than one more school year of driving back and forth to school...and hopefully less than that. Good deal.

-Malcor "~yawns~" Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Spring is definately starting to set in. Temps are expected to be near 70 today, we've had a thunderstorm roll through, and green is starting to push through the browns.

I love spring...definately my favorite season. Temperatures I like...not cold, not too hot. Thunderstorms--I love listening to/watching a good storm. I've always drawn some energy from the lightning. Good stuff.

Its also a time of new beginnings, moreso to me than the new year. And while so many things haven't worked out the way I've wanted...things are gonna be ok, I think.

Anyway, I really want to ramble on, but I really need to get ready for class...I'm far enough behind as is ;)

Talk to you later, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Ah yes...as if pursuing a masters in chemistry wasn't going to be enough, I'm adding "Certificate in
GeoSpatial Analysis" on top of that. The Certificate is basically equivalent to a minor in GeoSpatial. Plus, I'm going to be a TA and lab assistant next year for my work study money. Oh, and I'm enrolled in 18 hours. Should be...interesting. Busy, but interesting.

~smiles~

Farewell for now, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So...I passes my Calc II gateway exam after all! Yay! That really was stressing me out...now I just want to get through next week (and the Chem II test) and then a week off for spring break. Then I can focus on keeping my grades up.

Also, I'd like to apologize to both Star and Mesaana for being a grouch yesterday--and now I know for no reason. ~hugs~ Thanks for putting up with me :)

Later, gentle reader...

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Today was a good day. I got to spend most of the day with Star. Thank you, lass. :D Then I got to play DnD when some fine role-players. Thanks, guys...you make so much fun.

But, the day wouldn't be complete without a counterbalance, would it. Painful memories...make me feel all sick to my stomach. But, its alright. I'll be alright. It only hurts when I breathe ;)

heh

Goodnight, gentle reader

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I see now. One thread left, then only memories. Dare you ask to sever that too? Not much would surprise me at this point.

Well, such is life...and most of the memories fond. Gave it a run, and it didn't work...no shame in that. Time to finish moving on.

~smiles and nods~ Tomorrow is a new day...and I'm ready.

Fare thee very well, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

It occurred to me, gentle reader, that there is something I had forgotten. I, quite literally, wrapped it up and stashed it away on the highest shelf I had. I don't know why I thought of it, but it came to me as I was settling down for the night (oh blessed sleep).

So, here's the quandry...what do I do with the forgotten thing? ~sighs~ I see three possilities.

One: I can leave it wrapped up and try to forget about it again. Someday, when the moments that are attached to it are further, perhaps I can find some use for it. This may be the most likely course, because its in my nature to do nothing...and to forget for that matter. Actually, the forgetting thing would probably be a story by itself. Remind me someday, gentle reader, and maybe I'll share.

Two: I can despose of it. Throw it away. Cast it into a river. This is probably the least likely...it would seem like more a waste of something that need not be wasted.

Three: I can use it for what I intended it for before (intentionally?) forgetting it. This seems like the closest thing to the Right thing. Which, as is often the case, makes it the hardest thing to do. I don't think it would serve any real purpose, other than perhaps completing the circle...but, it still feels right.

~sighs again~

And yes, gentle reader, I'm fairly sympathetic to the fact that none of this makes the least bit of sense. Truth be told, this is for my benefit, not yours. Selfish? Perhaps. But there are those who would also call me selfish for not sharing, though those rare indivuduals seem hard to come by.

Anyway...now that I have a reminder of my thoughts, and have gotten them somewhat organized, I think I shall try for the second time to retire.

Goodnight, gentle reader, and be well.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I went driving in the country...always pleasant and relaxing...oh, and I smell like woodsmoke :D

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~smiles~ Good food, good movie, and best of all good friend. All in all, a good day. Still--no, nevermind. All good ~nods~ Another time perhaps ;)

~catches a shooting star and gives it to his touchstone~ Enjoy, love. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Just a warning, gentle reader, for those of you who care and might notice...but I'll be in a semi-moving-to-a-new-apartment state for some undetermined amount of time. So, basically, I don't know what exactly is going on or when I'll get back to you good people.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Ok, a quick update. I think I'm more or less back until probably friday. Maybe thursday...

So, yeah, I really don't know. ;)

On the upside, I'm pretty sure I'll get back on a cable modem. YAY! ~waves bye to dialup (in theory)~

That is all.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

OK, this is it...I'm gone...and I won't be back much until I get cable installed...and I don't know for sure when that will be. ASAP, for sure, but thats still probably not until next week sometime--at best.


Thank you, gentle reader. See you soon, I hope. Much love. :)

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

If there is something you beleive, something you think is Right, then don't be afraid to stand on those principles. A clear conscience is worth a little conflict.

Stand...and be true.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Can't sleep. ~taps fingers~

Haven't been using this thread much. Things, for the most part, have been very quiet since early this year.

Getting a little bored...should find something more to do. Looking forward to school starting, that should tell you something ;)

hehe...actually, I've never really minded school. Some of the work, yeah, esp the 'busy work' type stuff. But school has always been good to me. And it beats the real world. I've worked both in retail and professionally...and school is better. Being a professional student isn't so bad at all. With one exception.

Short on cash. Things are really pretty tight right now. Just trying to make it through. If I can survive this upcoming year, then I should be ok for the next couple at least. Barring any disasters. :umm:

Oh, Evanescence is playing KC in august. There are still good tickets left. I'd love to go, but the trouble is I won't go alone. I have friends who would like to go, no doubt, but unfortunately none of them are readily available for something like this. Ah well.

I need to start practings Command and Conquer: Generals--Zero Hour. My roommate badly wants to beat me into submission in a multiplayer game, and this is the one he's fixated on. I'd at least like to know how to play before then. hehe

OK...ramble, ramble. Goodnight, gentle reader.

~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Things, for the most part, have been very quiet since early this year.
This is why you don't tempt fate...it may just decide you need an adjustment.

My grandmother, on my father's side, passed away today. I've always been closer to this side of my family. She's the one who taught me just about everything I know about playing cards and games in general.

Well, I'll probably be away off and on for a bit. Seeing the family and such. Fare well for now, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~sighs heavily~

Nothing really new to say, but I figure if I stop here, you'll lynch me for drawing you here for no reason. And I know at least a couple of you stop by here on occasion, and I thank you. And thank you so very much for your kind words, you know who you are, they are very much appreciated. Even as a loner and outsider, its good to know I'm seen every now and again.

So...what to say? Not much more to say on the last post I made. Its been tough, but the family has been pretty good about everything. It does remind me how I've lost touch with one of my cousins, she was as a child one of my best friends. I'd like to perhaps rebuild some part of that, but I wouldn't know where to begin.

Ready for school to start. I've really too little too do for the rest of the summer and its making me a bit crazy. And I spend too much time sitting here--no offense meant to you good people, of course, but I mean really... ;)

Actually, overall, I'm in one of my low cycles. And no, its not so bad, and I probably shouldn't complain, but meh. That sums it up fairly well, just meh.

~sighs again~

I suppose I should retire for the night. Don't really want to, but can't say that I've much better to do either. Soon. ~nods~ Sleep soon.

Fare thee very well for now, gentle reader. May the fondness I have for you warm you as it does me.


PS. Wow...that really went hallmark, didn't it? My apologies, gentle reader. ~bows~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

My radio station (http://launch.yahoo.com/launchcast/station.asp?u=1247231969)

Featuring: Evanescence, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Van Halen, John Mellencamp, Michelle Branch, Poison, Pat Benatar, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Foreigner, Jewel, Sarah McLachlan, Phil Collins, Loreena McKennitt

Its still a little heavy on current pop music and seemingly completely random stuff...but oh well. Mock away :p

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Just watched "Butterfly Effect"

I think too much

For those of you who don't know (if you don't want to know, stop reading) its a movie that almost stands in direct counterpoint to "It's a Wonderful Life". One tale is heartwarming and shows the good a person might bring to those around them and the other shows how things might have just been better if that person never existed at all.

So, which is closer to the truth? Or is the truth somewhere in between? That the average joe simply doesn't make a difference one way or the other? Maybe if erased from existance, things would have simply carried on as they always have. Maybe a bit different here...and a bit different there. But mostly just the same.

I don't know gentle reader, but its starting to hurt my head. So, I'll say goodbye for now.

Goodbye for now.

;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

hrm....I didn't sleep at all last night. Took a nap about 7am, but thats it. And yet, here it is, past midnight, and I'm wide awake.

My only real hope is that somehow I've progressed beyond the need for sleep.

Somehow, I doubt that.

Ah well. All things considered, felt pretty good today. Still itching for classes to start...and thats still months away.

What else? Oh yeah, stopped by another site I used to frequent, and found out that I'm still well loved. And by well loved, I mean hated.

Its strange, I don't know that I'd ever been *hated* before. Don't get me wrong, I've known several people who disliked me, and most people never really know I exist. But never *hated*. It shouldn't bother me...and yet it does. Not in any real way, just an icky feeling kinda way. And only when I stop to think about. Guess I should stop thinking about it, huh?

I think I'll stop by there someday...just to say hi. Maybe a little salt in my wounds will make it better. Ok, theres no real way it won't do anything but make it worse...yet the temptation grows. Snarky.

I really like my radio station. I still have to skip some bad songs, but I don't actually have to listen to them. And it does pretty good...tonite its done great. Good stuff. Phil Collins to Megadeth to REO Speedwagon to Cheap Trick to Men At Work to Queen to Loreena McKennitt. And many others.

Alright, I'm gonna go read...see if sleep comes or not. Probably just end up reading. I read pretty much all of Wizard's First Rule last night. At once. :umm:

Goodnight, gentle reader ;)

~flees~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I'm starting to wonder whats going on. I can't really say I've gone past the need for sleep...not now, not anymore. While I've not felt remotely tired in the last several days, and have seen very little sleep, I'm starting to get the symptoms of being tired. Headaches. Odd motor control. The weird effect where noises sound like they are being projected through a tunnel. That weird, almost sick, feeling in the pit of the stomach. But, I'm not tired. Weird, huh? I don't know what it is, I'm certainly not taking in any more caffiene than normal, and I've even tried less. Nothing terribly troubling mentally or emotionally. ~shrugs~ Just no sleep.

Ah well, I shall soon go lie down and read. That is a bright side, I've read more the last couple days than I have the last year.

So, gentle reader, I bid thee to sleep well and dream better. Mayhap you can have some that I've been lacking.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

One good nights sleep, and I'll be right as rain. Right as rain. I like rain. Strips you bare. A bear in the woods. Forest for the trees. Make like a tree. Make a difference. Different strokes. Up a creek. Creaky floor. Ghosts. Lighting. Lightning has power. Power over ghosts? I wonder, it might explain somethings.

~wanders away muttering to self~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I do think I still remember what a good night's sleep is like. I think I do. I might be remembering remembering, tho. Not entirely sure. Still, seems I've made it through the worst parts, I don't seem be to noticing the effects of not sleeping as much anymore. Well, except now that I'm out of new stuff to read...I'm kinda looking for something to do.

Do you believe in ghosts, gentle reader?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I am an athiest.
I am a skeptic.
I do not believe.

I have been the fortress wall.
I have drawn power from lightning.
I have tried to move objects with my mind.
I have tried to communicate without speaking.
I have summoned the spirits.
I have chased ghosts.
I have served a creature of magic.
I felt something move through me at a funeral.
I own a Tarot deck.
I am The Hermit.

I am an athiest.
I am a skeptic.
I do not believe.

I am open.
I do feel.
I want to believe.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I have sinned
and would suffer any penance
that you ask none
is by far the worst

[Malcor Sylverwood]

With a great and mighty cry, full of sound and fury, I rail at the heavens or anyone who is listening, "Meh."

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So...school is in full swing. So far, despite having more stuff than I really want, I'm keeping up. So thats good...its keeping me plenty tired during the week. I should get to bed earlier. Speaking of bed, I'm sleeping a little better now, so thats good.

Actually...things are good. Pretty much. yeah, good. ~smiles~

hmm...not much to say. I guess I'll reveal something mildy embarrassing...I downloaded some music (legally :p through Real...49 cents a song)...its stuff I like, but don't like well enough to risk buying the album. So, here's the tracklist...

Hotel California--Eagles
Devils and Angels--Toby Lightman
Drift Away, In A Little While--Uncle Kracker
Intuition--Jewel
Torn-Natalie Imbruglia
White Flag--Dido
Elevation--U2
Signs-Tesla
Hair Of The Dog--Guns N' Roses
Glory Days--Springsteen
I'm Alright - (Theme From Caddyshack)--Kenny Loggins
Accidentally In Love--Counting Crows
Someday, Nickelback
Breathe--Melissa Etheridge
A Thousand Miles--Vanessa Carlton

OK, gentle reader, I'm done making up stuff for you to have to read... ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

LMAO...you're crazy. What the hell is it that goes on in your head?

~shakes head~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Gah...I finally have a night were nothing *needs* to be done...so what do I do? Nothing. If I'm not going to withdraw from Calc III, I need to be studying more. Working problems. Working more problems. Working problems after that. Making up problems and working them.

Bah!

Anyway... ~yawns~

Thanks, gentle reader, for letting me vent for a second. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well...I got some good news today. Provided I pass all my classes this year, I will definately be a grad student next year. Which is very good news. Not to mention it comes with a stipend, which I sorely need. Money is all but gone and debt is stacking sky high.

And, yet, with the good news...I feel low. Don't really have anyone to share the good news with, not in any direct sense anyway. No offence to you intended, gentle reader. I'm glad you are all here, its important to me...but... I hope you understand what I mean. Most times I appreciate my own solitary nature...and sometimes...well, not so much.

~sighs~

OK...going to bed now. A good night's sleep will work wonders. I think I still remember what a good night's sleep is like.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Thank YOU. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Tired. One foot in front to the other, I keep telling myself. One foot in front of the other, keep breathing. Thats enough, right? One step at a time.

Even if the path hasn't revealed itself to me.

Till next, gentle reader. Till next.

~plods along~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Gone till wednesday...probably. ~waves~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Dear Dogbert,

Lots of people write blogs, but I’ve never heard of anyone who actually reads them. What’s up with that?

Kurt


Dear Skirt,

Blogs exist to fill the important market niche of writing that is so dull that your eyes will burrow out of the back of your head to escape. People do read blogs, usually by accident, sometimes on a dare, but those readers are later mistaken for Mafia victims with what appears to be two holes in the back of their heads. On closer inspection, you might find their eyeballs clinging to the drapes directly behind them. Unless the cat gets them first.

Sincerely,


Dogbert

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Amazing. Abso-fricking-lutely amazing.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~chuckles~ ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So....I bought a webcam. Why? Certianly not out of vanity on my part (at least I certainly HOPE not...such a thing is dreadful and frightening). No, but because I was asked by someone to do so. And that someone, in the mean time, has gotten rid of theirs? Thats just unfair :p

Anyway...its really not as weird as I thought it would be. Although I do find myself making faces at the camera for no apparent reason. :broken:

Almost done with another semester. One more, then its grad studen't time for me. Sadly, thats not going to help me out financially as much as I'd hoped...so, I'm really not sure what I'm going to do (or able to do) about that. Take it one day at a time, I suppose. ~sighs~

Alright...enough for now, I suppose. Farewell and goodnight, gentle reader. Thanks for hanging in there with me. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

You wanna know something, gentle reader? You're absolutely right about me. But, no matter how much I chose to share, you'll also be completely wrong. Doesn't make much sense, does it? Welcome to my world.

For instance, you could say that I'm afraid to be alone. And you'd be absolutely right. Despite my Hermit's nature, the way I keep myself away from people, I'm absolutely petrified of being alone. Gut wrenchingly, spirit wrackingly, soul rendingly afraid. I spend many hours--too many hours--contemplating this. Sometimes something I think is akin to meditating on it. So, what more can I say? You're absolutely right. But to what point? Is it a weakness that you feel you need to correct? Is it the wrong path to walk? Mayhap. Mayhap. But, I'd like to believe that somewhere in there, there is a strength, or at least a saving grace. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere down the road the realization that people need each other, well, it might just save some one. Or maybe us.

You could also say, gentle reader, that I'm selfish for being introverted, for pulling back from the world. And, again, you may be right. Things would probably be better if we were all like Superman, willing and able to give absolutely everything and absolutely impervious to the bullets the world slings back when you do. Now, I don't know about the rest of the world, but I'm no superman. Cut me, I'll bleed. Hurt me, I'll cry. So, why would you say I need to put myself out there? Could it be, gentle reader, that you need me to? That maybe you're afraid of being alone, or maybe just realizing you're wrong?

~sigh~

I'm rapidly losing myself, and what I want to say. So, I'm going to cut this shorter than I intended.

So, gentle reader, would you also tell me that I'm too quick to judge? Maybe that I've not looked at all the evidence? Well then, look in the mirror. You may find yourself giving hasty judgements as well, perhaps defending your own paths of existance without considering other paths. Who are you to judge? Who am I?

I think I'll leave that last question to the philosophers.

Here's what I'll tell you, gentle reader. I'll stand by the things I do. I'm the first to admit I don't have all the answers. I'll be the first to apologize when I'm shown that I've done wrong. But, I will believe in myself. To do otherwise, for me, would be madness.

Farewell, dear gentle reader. We'll talk again soon, I hope.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~hums 'Auld Lang Syne' to himself~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

oh boy...I'm three days into the new semester...and already I'm not sure I'm going to make it. All my classes are going to take up much more time outside of the classroom than I expected...and on top of that I'm going to be working for the school for at least twenty hours a week.

Somebody lend me a bit of strength, eh? And maybe some time?

How about it, gentle reader? No? Well, I won't hold it against you.

Too much. ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Wow...page 2....who knew?

Anyway...so here is the current situation...

The Good: This fall, barring something exceedingly stupid, I'll be a grad student working on my Masters in Physcal Science with an emphasis in Chemistry with a Graduate Certificate in Geospatial Analysis. I could complete the degree and certificate in two years.

The Bad: If I finish the degree in two years, I won't have time to take some of the non-major classes that I want to take. Differential equations, Modern Physics, Ecology, Geology, maybe some others.

The Ugly: Spending an extra year to take those classes. Either way, 2 or 3 years, it will only shave off about a year from the time it will take to get my PhD should I chose to pursue that.

So...yeah...I don't know what to do. I've got some time to actually make the decision...basically right now the difference is in what classes I enroll in for next fall...but it bugs me to have it hanging over me.

Anywho...thanks again, gentle reader, for letting me share junk with you. Some might argue, but I do think it makes things easier having a place to just share.

Thats my opinion, I could be wrong.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

A gift, gentle reader. May you find some of the peace I found here.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

From the X-files

CSM: Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an english toffee but they're gone too fast and taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits of hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~cries~

I'm soooo sick....stupid stomach flu

~cries and passes out~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Exiled to page two again.

And I'm still alive, believe it or not.

Its past my bedtime.

Sleep is scarce.

Bye.

:)


PS. Sorry to disappoint, gentle reader, but this is the home stretch...coming up on final week....hopefully soon I'll have more time...provided I pass my finals....and my upcoming move goes well....and the cable gets installed promptly at the new place...and...ah, fuck it...nevermind. See you around. I hope.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Perhaps you took it as a flippant comment, gentle reader, but it was not intended as such. I am sorry to disappoint, which is probably one of the reasons I try to keep expectations of me low. Perhaps even from myself.

The world has moved on.

Much truth can be found in fiction, I do believe, which is partially why the thread is titled as such. Much like Roland's world(s), it has moved on.

Still...things are well, I suppose. Another semester in a long series of semesters is gone and with, I hope, reasonable enough grades. I wore down some this semester, too busy, too frustrated by a couple of classes, too tired.

But I survived.

I have moved on.

Sadly, no rest for the weary wicked and I turn back and go to work at the school on Monday. Have to pay the bills and such. I've also got my graduate entrance exams next week. THEN, I should truly completely be a grad student ~rolleyes~

Oh yeah, I'm moving to a new apartment at the end of the month...and one can never tell for sure how such things will work out. So, if I should disappear for a time...well, its probably that.

Probably.

Nothing much else to report. Very little truly changes even as things have moved on. Is that an oxymoron? Or a paradox?

Dunno.

I just want to find something to fill the time, for now. Thats not always the easiest thing for me. But I'll manage.

Probably.

Heh...this probably sounds worse than it is, gentle reader. And if you've made it this far, let me reassure you that I'm just in one of those bored and restless states. And, for once, I'm actually not tired.

Awake.

And for what? ~chuckles~ I'll have to find something.

Till next, gentle reader. Till next.

~smiles~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, here we are for another chapter. I think I shall title it "White Forest" or maybe "Hollow Tree". Not that I can honestly say what that means.

Tired. Sore. Got moved over the last couple days. Seems strange to be living in this big three bedroom duplex...alone. My roommates won't be joining me until probably August, when uni starts up again.

Still, it seems fitting. And, no, I don't know exactly what that means either.

I've been seeing somethings, or seeing them differently at least, since the last time I got sick. It was pretty miserable...and sadly memorable. I'm sure I posted something about being sick...yeah...march 12th. Seems like it was much longer ago.

Anywho, this is me being vague. And I'm sorry...its just that I don't think I feel as comfortable sharing as much as I might once have.

Things change.

The world moves on.

Well, I need to get some rest so I have energy to deal with my family tomorrow.

Pleasant dreams, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Let's see, gentle reader....what can I ramble about?

Just got inside from mowing the lawn. Thats going to give me a heart attack someday, I need to get into shape--yeah right. Still, it actually feels pretty good. Granted, it may be the smell of freshly cut grass or the gasoline vapors talking.

I'm moved. At least, all my stuff is here. My roommates aren't moving in till August. So, not only is it far too quiet in here--or at least noticibly quieter than I'm used to--I have no motivation to finish unpacking.

Speaking of mowing the lawn--belatedly, yes--I still haven't got the mower I bought of a classmate. I had to borrow my advisors. hmph.

Should I have put that period after the 'hmph'? It looks odd for some reason.

My lab assisting is going well...tho its obvious I'm going to be working more hours than they are paying me for. ~rolleyes~ Still...at least its at a higher rate than before.

I guess I'm officially a graduate student now. Thus the higher rate they are paying me. I passed 3 of the 4 entrance exams I took. I had to pass three of five. The one I didn't pass, I missed by one question--and I'd only had the intro class. So, I didn't feel bad about that. The fifth test, that I didn't take, was Biochemistry. I haven't had any biochem, so didn't feel like wasting time on it.

Well...thats about it, I think. If you've made it this far, gentle reader...thank you. You're too good to me. Esp since I'm not around and participating here as much as I should. If its any consolation, I miss you.

But, the world moves on, eh?

Farewell.

:)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sorry for the rerun, but I decided this post was better off in here. ;)


I just awoke with the absolute knowledge that there was *something* beside my head. Armed with this universal insight, I of course did what any self-respecting, wise, and brave person would do. I panicked. I pushed myself away from...it. This was followed immeadiately by a lethal combination of throwing my pillow at that spot and many random motions and noises. In a heartbeat, I realized it must have moved so I shoved the already flung pillow to the only place it could have gone...that awkard space between my bed and the wall. Finally, the brilliant idea of turning on the light occured to me, so I jumped (staggered) up and managed to NOT get my hand caught in the ceiling fan and spark the blinding array of lights.

Anyway, long story short...there wasn't anything there...I almost think there never was. I still have no idea what I was dreaming about.

The End.

This post brought to you by the haze of having been rudely awaking by the thing that was not there after less than two hours of sleep. Goodnight.

-Malcor "Heart racing" Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So...had a zombie nightmare last night. Things weren't going to badly until one of the zombies cut my left hand off with a circular saw. Rather unpleasant.

So, a piece of advice. Avoid circular saws at all costs.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So...sometimes it happens. Sometimes something you once enjoyed, and even loved, no longer moves you as it did in the past. It can happen even to the best of things. Even worse is when it becomes nothing more than work. Responsiblity. Duty.

Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain

It can even happen without ever even noticing. At least until one of those days that you, for whatever reason, sit down and examine your life--such as it may be. It seems to me to be a very awkward thing when you try to assess what is important...and what might not be so anymore.

Anywho...just some mental garbage I wanted to spit out. Pay it no real mind, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

What is retirement these days? Is it that magical time where one becomes unfettered from the bonds of work to spend the golden years in contentment? Certainly doesn't seem to be, not any more, not unless said person is *wealthy*. So? What does it make it now? A time at which one has outlived their usefullness and is banished to some out of the way place where they can be minded by society and yet forgotten? Something to really look forward to, eh?

I guess, on the bright side, I should be spared that literal fate. Certainly not because I'm wealthy, but simply because I am in a high risk group for all kinds of heart trouble. ~pats belly~

Thats my mealticket, baby. mmm....bacon

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, gentle reader...what do you think? I think people are strange. Fortunately, I think most of you are wise enough to have some idea of how things work. And I think most of you have an idea of what I think about you. So, if you ever want to know what I've said about you, whether you were around or not, ask. I imagine most of you don't really care, and thats the way it probably should be. And, yeah, I've said things in the past that I regret--one person in particular seems to get to me and cause badness--but if I think I was out of line, I'll apologize. But, I'll for the most part stand by what I say.

Judge me as you will, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~takes a deep breath~

I got my check for financial aid this semester. Up to that very moment I wasn't sure how exactly it was going to turn out. And, for once, it turned out well. So, I can finally relax a little bit on that. It turns out about six thousand dollars better for this year. Now, some of you will say that not a lot of money and some others might say its a ton...but truth is, for me, its somewhere in the middle. Its enough that I'm no longer worried about surviving the next two years--barring major incidents of some sort. Plus, living in the new place with an extra roommate should cut the cost of living by about a hundred bucks a month.

Classes start monday and, of course, the finicial aid *is* dependant on my academic progress. Normally that not something I worry about too much. I can carry a B (3.0/4.0) without too much difficulty. But, this upcoming semester looks to be the hardest one I have left here at ESU--tho that is subject to change in the future.

CH560 Biochemistry (3 credit hours)
CH561 Biochem Lab (2 credit hours)
CH720 Physical Chemistry I (3 credit hours)
CH772 Topics in Advanced Organic Chemistry: Organic Synthesis (3 credit hours)
PS760 Workshop in physical sciences teaching (1 Credit hour)
EB353 Environmental Biology (Audit--so, no credit)
CH729 RESEARCH

And on top of that...20 hours a week in Grad teaching duties (Lab TA/prep/grading mostly).

So...yeah...its a damned lot for me. If I were only good at time management, that would be one thing. But I suck. doh

Well...here goes, gentle reader. Wish me luck, okay? :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

To whom it may concern,

8/22/05
Day 1
Nothing too out of the ordinary, no gta duties fired up yet...but tomorrow will be a different story. Today was mostly about course outlines and remembering peoples names. Remembering names and talking to people is probably more stressful and much more draining than the same time spent in coursework. Curse of the introvert. Saw more familiar faces than I expected. Need to get a cot to set up in my office. ~rolleyes~

Much love,
Malcor

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/23/05
Day Two

To whom it may concern,
Still not bad, but can see the things building up. Won't take long. Two sections of lab successfully checked into their lab drawers. Need to prep Congo Red solutions and spectrometers for next week. Spoke to advisor about research...potential project sounds ok. Environmentally related. But, many possible pitfalls...including finding funds for an ion chromatograph. May have to take samples to WSU or KU, or find another detection method that handles things on the scale of micrograms per liter well.

We'll see,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/24/05
Day Three

To whom it may concern,
Big news of the day...I got conned into eating with the bigwigs of the department. And me in my KU shirt ~rolleyes~ I also have a memorization task to have done next week. I suck at memorizing, not sure how to attack it. Just need to remember the name, structure, three letter abr, and single letter for twenty amino acids. Did I mention that I hate memorizing? Went to the grocery today. Got food. Food good. Need to get Simpsons season six...I think I can squeeze in 25 minute eps sometime.

Yours truly,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

08/25/05
Day four

To whom it may concern,
Raining this morning. I don't own an umbrella. Probably should get one, tho I've never wanted one. Wasn't a bad day until I tried to work on the week physical chemistry homework (due tomorrow). I don't think the problem is that hard...but I just can't see the way from A to C. Frustrated...could have broken my hand slamming on the desk. heh Ate at the cafeteria today...won't do that again soon. Yuck.

Temperamentally yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/26/05
Day Five

To whom it may concern,
One week down. Sadly this will be the easist week I have. 1 down, 15? to go. Oh, finished that pchem problem. Got the path worked out this morning. Stupid B. Pretty sure I decided what to do for research, despite the pitfalls. Granted, all research has pitfalls, but these are obvious. heh. Anyway, I'm starting the weekend now.

Farewell,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/29/05
Day 6

To whom it may concern,
Well, if this does actually concern you AND you aren't on a completely different time setting than me, you were probably thinking this postcard was going to be late--or never written. Well, here I am. So, today. Classes are starting to intensify, going to be hard to keep up. I'll try. Have things set up for lab, except the spectrometers...need to do that first thing so they can get warmed up. Also, more importantly, I've decided on my research project. I won't bore you with the details, the few I have anyway, but its a project that fits nicely into my environmental niche. And as an added bonus, if it should work, it might actuallly bear fruit for the environment. Just once would be more than I could rightly ask for.

Tranquilly yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/30/05
Day 7

Tired. My feet aren't used to standing in place for six hours which is basically what I do during the two lab sections I'm minding. Need to find time to set up my lab space. And start scrounging for equipment. heh. Need to get a decent notebook. Plenty to do. Have a brief presentation to give on Friday for Organic Synthesis. Have the amino acid quiz on Friday, need to start studying yesterday. Need to prep points for a debate in Environmental Biology next week.

Wait, I'm sorry. This isn't supposed to be a reminder for me of the stuff I need to do. So, moving on. Found a good article about my research topic that while it might not have actual useful things in it, I think it will *lead* to useful things. Guess thats about it, nothing exciting. Just tired. ~smiles~

Sleepily yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

8/31/05
Day 8

Short entry today, need to get back to writing Biochem lab. And half a hundred other things. So, my advisor isn't terribly happy with the means of pursuing the research that ESU has readily available. So, the quest for an ion chromatograph begins. Which mostly means...I can really procede. ~sigh~ Ah well...I have two years to finish. Plenty of time, right? Right?

Busy,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/1/05
Day 9

To whom it may concern,
New month, same stuff. I'm beginning to question writing this daily postcard. For their length and content, they can take up alarming amounts of time. If just because it gets me sitting in front of the monitor. heh. Still, maybe there is still somebody to reach, so for now, I'll continue.

Standing in biochem for four straight hours=not fun. I'm just not designed for standing in place like that. Granted, I'm not designed for much more than sitting around, but just standing is painful. Hopefully I get used to it. Also found out I missed a class on Wednesday. The class was scheduled by arrangement. But, nobody bothered to tell me it was arranged. I should be a spy.

Secretly yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/2/05
Day 10

To whom it may concern,
Presentation went ok, at least relative to everyone elses. Nobodies was very good. Got a low A on my amino acid quiz...drew leucine instead of lysine. doh. And went through the pchem problem I couldn't solve in class. So, good day. Oh, also looked into borrowing/buying an ion chromatagraph for my research. The department chair seemed to think it would be a good buy, some of the earth science people want one to. Water testing and such, which is good too.

Well...my roommates want to get the grill going, so I'd best go and help see to that.

Hungrily yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/6/05
Day 11

Spent the long weekend doing nothing. Of course, it catches up today. I think I've just about pulled through tho. Could use a nap. No real progress on an IC, so no progress on research. Thats frustrating, I want to be doing *something*. Anything.

Its starting to hit home about how little time I have for stuff. Like being here. Chatting with people. Chatting with anyway. ~sigh~

Sacrifices, right?

Yours in procrastination,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/10/05
A few days later...

To whom it may concern,
Sorry I've not written, I missed a couple days. Had a department picnic and the NFL season opener. The mail service was down, that kind of thing.

So, whats happened. Not a whole hell of a lot. Somehow get conned into playing chef at the picnic. So, was in charge of the grill. Wasn't a problem till about halfway through when the smoke was burning my eyes. Fortunately, somebody was willing to take over. And people say I overreact to cig smoke...I'm guessing they don't get how much it *hurts*. Ah well.

Been digging through more papers on my research. I think I've found a method that will work, at least well enough for initial studies, until we find a way to come up with an IC. So, I'm excited that I might be doing *something*.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy a bit of my weekend before I have to get to homework and such. Farewell.

Excitedly yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/12/05

To whom it may concern,

I actually thought I accomplished something today. But, after further review, I didn't. Thats ok tho. I'm close to accomplishing something, even if something equals getting started.

Actually, I did finish my part of the inventory. Summer project to catalogue the departments storerooms. What great fun that is. Still, it was amusing using old skills to whip a quick, but slick, little database. Not that I think anyone will really use it, but its there.

Love ya,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/14/05

To whom it may concern,

I have to run, have to meet somebody to work on this crazy organic homework. But, I have all the regeants I need to start on research. And a method to get started without an IC. But...I still need an IC ~grin~

Needily yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/21/05

To whom it may concern,

Still alive.

Sincerely,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/22/05

To whom it may concern,

Two days in a row. Thats something, right? Alright.

Almost finished cleaning glassware. King's water is kinda neat. And if you know and worry about me handling acids--this is one of the few (only?) that dissolves gold--so far, so good. Should be finished with it tomorrow. Then, I can start making the laundry list of goo to start my research.

Still no IC.

Tired. Miss hanging out at the quill. Chatting with folks through IMs. That kinda thing. I can only hope its all worth it. And, for what its worth, I still think it is. Its just not always easy.

Two tests next week. Both on wednesday. Biochem and OrgSynthesis. Yippee. The Organic Synthesis test really scares me. ~shudder~ Just need to pass...

Pretty sure my physical chemistry tests went ok. Prof said I was probably the only one who got an A...tho he had only glanced through them, not graded them. Hopefully, I can get an A in the class--to balance out the less than A I'll get in organic synthesis. heh.

Sweet water and light laughter till next,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/23/05

To whom it may concern,

Still no IC.

However, I do now have solutions and reagent. All kinds of goodies. Thats what I spent today doing, after classes, after prepping for the lab I assist for.

Long day.

My feet hurt. I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that I'm just not designed for *standing* all day. Ah well. Adapt or die, right? Survival of the fittest?

Doh.

Anywho. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. I hope I don't get a headache like I have been recently. Not much of a weekend to look forward to. Papers to grade. Homework to do. Lab reports to write. And tests to study for. Maybe, just maybe, if I get enough of that done tomorrow, I'll take sunday and drive to KC for the RenFest. If I don't, I'm afraid I wont make it this year. And thats heartbreaking...its one of my most favorite places to be. ~sigh~

OK, time to go for now. Be well.

Chivalrously yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

9/29/05

To whom it may concern,

Long week. Not yet over, either. Test tomorrow in the class that I just don't *get*. I hope I pass. Stupid organic synthesis anyway.

Research is going slowly, since I haven't had time. Fortunately, I have basically this semester to start getting initial results. I've done one test on my detection method, and it wasn't terribly promising. Not sensitive enough, so my current goal is to tinker to see if I can get more out of it. Then we'll start testing for the actual goal. heh

Sleepy. My sleep patterns have been bad the last few days.

Lost is good. I like Lost. I have the DVD collection of the first season. heh

Was thinking earlier today about some people I've known. Well, still know, I guess, mostly. People who are no longer with us. And I raised a toast them, in my own way.

Cheers to you,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

10/02/05

To whom it may concern,

I know this is an oddity, writing you on a non-school day. But, right now, I have to take what time I have. I hope you understand.

So, on top of that, things aren't going as well at school as I'd like. I'm behind in everything, my research is going nowhere (still no IC), and I have done as well on a couple of tests already. I was pretty down about it friday. But, you know what? Screw it. I'm giving what I have, and if thats not enough, so be it. I'll still pull through.

I hope.

Actually, I feel pretty good right now. I've let go some part of the pressure I've been putting on myself. I hope its enough to clear my head.

I think next weekend will be my only chance to make it the ren fest. I'll be so broken hearted if I can't make it, even tho I'll have to go by myself.

I hope.

Freely yours,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

10/25/05

To whom it may concern,

I guess I'm sorry for having not written in a while. Several reasons for that. I'm not going to lie, one of them is I know the readership has dropped. Like an 80s band, I'll eventually stop performing if people don't pay for tickets. At least till the next reunion tour.

Its cold now. There wasn't any fall. Any fall that might have existed, I missed. Thats scary. I've lost touch with that side of myself before, and I didn't like it. It took something magical to help me realize it...this time I don't know what it will take. I'm hoping that just recognizing it will help.

Research is progressing, sans IC. Slowly. Some strange things I can't account for, but nothing so much to hold back progress--at least for now. I won't bore you with the technical detail, just with this letter in general. ~wink~

Classes....well, classes suck. Not having much fun in any of them atm. I really need a vacation. Its killing me. But, I can't really foresee a vacation for some time. Maybe years. ~sigh~

Not that it makes much of a difference with the amount of time I have anymore, but I'll be gone till late friday night. I somehow am going to the regional American Chemical Society meeting. Yippee. I had to dig my old business casual clothes out of a box in the closet. I've gotten used to wearing nothing but blue jeans and t-shirts--as is my preference. Fortunately, they still fit (I guess its fortunate anyway). Or at least they did...they are being laundered right now. heh

Farewell for now,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Wow...the last post was before this semester. Now this semester is over. And yeah, it was tough, for me at least. Just a lot of stuff, I suppose. Pretty busy. The way I think about some things has changed slightly. Plus, I never really wanted to take Biochem and Org Synthesis anyway. That makes it harder. Its much easier to learn stuff you want to learn. On that note, I breezed through the quantum part of Physical Chemistry. I don't really think I'm smart enough the be a physical chemist tho, I'd have to focus on getting my math skills up to par...I might be too old for that. But, its fun for now.

Research is going pretty well, even tho we don't have the one tool we really need. Will probably be getting a grant proposal together over break...and hopefully we can get that tool.

Next semester...well, I'm still a GTA, so thats 20+ hours a week of my life. Class load is a bit lighter, and better. Physical Chemistry lab, Instrumental Analysis, and Advanced Biochem. Stupid biochem anyway. I'll also probably sit in on PChem II (its the thermodynamics section) but not be enrolled in the class...I'll be taking the advanced Pchem/Thermo class next year...

My new roommates piss me off sometimes. Most times, they aren't bad. But sometimes...

Actually, people just piss me off sometimes. Why is it so bloody amusing to offer me alcohol when you know I don't drink? Esp from those who know how I feel, those who know how uncomfortable (at best) it is? ~sigh~ If humans could get past the relishing misery of others, we might be ok.

Its cold. And there is still snow on the ground. Snow rarely sticks for more than a couple of days around here...but this batch won't go away. Remind me to not move farther north...

Blah, blah, blah, I'm just a talking head.

Goodnight, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Sometimes I think that watching the Dead Zone is bad for me. Of course, I did just get the three seasons that are out on DVD. Anyway, bad for me...makes me think of how small details can change major things. How one change in course makes everything different. For John Smith, my current avatar, it wasn't a minor thing. He was in a car wreck that put him in a coma for six years. When he woke up, everything was different. But, he became something greater than he was.

Sometimes I think I'm not the person I should be. Do I know what that means? Not really. There are a lot of things I am sure of, but probably more than I would like that I don't. Well, its a new year, maybe these thoughts are enough to be my coma.

Sometimes I think I think too much.

Take care, gentle reader, and be the person you should be.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Open your eyes, please! There's something going on, haven't you noticed? WE _ ARE _ ALIVE!

The wind is blowing outside now, I think I was right about the storm.
The wind always blows, whether we can feel it caressing our skin or tousselling our hair. But, might it be vanity to try to shape that wind? Should be, mayhap, just let it blow. Part of me wants to say yes. The part of me that is what I want to be says we have to do the best we can--whatever that means.

I love a good storm. Outside of times with friends, I don't often feel as alive as I do when its storming.

~plugs in REO Speedwagon and skips to Riding the Storm Out~

Rock on, gentle reader. ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~yawn~ School's rough. Esp the middle of the week...currently on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I'm basically at the college from 7am to 9pm. Ah well...only one more year after this one. Well, then I have a master's...maybe three more for a PhD...if I'm lucky ;)

Something happens this summer. Something I never thought was important, and something I never thought would be important. I wouldn't even pay attention to it...except a couple of other people ARE paying attention. People who know too much...they must be eliminated. lol, not really. Still, I need a plan. An escape plan...

Time to go to sleep. Rest well, gentle reader.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

This post will be too obvious and/or taken entirely the wrong way. I suppose I'm ok with that.

My trips here are less and less frequent. I'm not sure I was even here this weekend until now, when its over. I dunno, I guess nothing lasts forever. Hopefully that applies to my current schedule which has me far too busy. Rambling. Sleepy. Bed now.

Good night, gentle reader, and good dreams.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Hello, hello.

Well, gentle reader, I have a question. I know, as the reader you really can't answer my question, but--perhaps only selfishly--I'll pose it anyway.

What is perhaps the most common form of insanity?

Obsessive-compulsive? Nope.

Schizophrenia? Not even close.

Ready for this? Friendship. Yeah, thats right...you read it correctly. Friendship. And don't even get me started on 'love', although to be honest I'm not sure there is *that* much of a difference anyway--but thats not the point.

Perhaps, gentle reader, you are thinking, "Malcor, what are you talking about". Mayhap not...

But, I'll tell you anyway.

Friendship is a form of insanity. Don't get me wrong, its still a good thing. But its still crazy. Hopefully, most of the time it is good, and happy, and warm, and all that. But thats not what I'm talking about. And I'm not even talking about the really bad things either, tho that side of the equation is much more likely, in my experience, to contain said insanity.

I'm not even sure I'll be able to explain what I want. You might have to be crazy to get it. Then again, its probably simple and I'm overthinking. Bad habit of mine, I'm afraid.

So, the insanity of friendship. Trying to believe two seperate, and conflicting realities. Two realities that CAN NOT coexist. Thats insanity. The absolute attempt to try to reconsile, to explain, to justify the existance of both. Or pulling yourself into one for a time, until the other intrudes and you switch to that one. Now that can tear a mind apart, fracture everything you believe.

Fortunately, at least for me, the insanity is temporary--although there is always the threat of it rearing it head and devouring it into the strange multiverse from before. But, like most wounds worth discussing, there is a scar. Like glass, once shatter the world can't be put back together to the same state it was. I'm not even sure its even close. Not anymore. Even if it looks the same, and feels the same...is it?

Scars are pecular beasts, aren't they?

Gentle reader, I apologize for my questions. Even the occasional guide needs to ask for directions...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

3/24/06

To whom it may concern,

Its been months since my last letter. These things happen. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm writing today because there have been developments in my academic career. First, I have lackeys now. Two of them. Which means my job is mostly that of supervisor now. Second, we are close to having assembled the mythical IC that I raved about in previous letters. We have a functioning pump and detector. Next step is to get the autosample plumbed in and running. Then attaching the column and guard. Voila! Functional, if frankenstein, Ion Chromatagraph.

Spring break is all but over. Didn't do anything worth writing about.

Back to the grindstone, 6 weeks and one more year left here. Then, most likely, off to a large university to pursue a PhD. Dr Sylverwood. Not to shabby ;)

Adios,
Malcor Sylverwood

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I'm so excited/nervous this morning. Finally, today, I'll start getting real results from my research and for the first time since I started it last year, I'll actually know if I've been accomplishing what I hoped. We finally put together, bit by bit, an ion chromotagraph...which is the best (only good?) way to find these things out. Heh, the IC is quite a monstrousity...a frankenstein. The detector we got from Ebay, the detector cell we purchased from a company. The device to convert a strip chart recorder to a computer signal we borrowed from the physics department and another part was purchased online. The pump and controller was a hand-me-down from Kansas University. The column and guard we had to coerce from Dionex, as well as a suppressor. The fittings and tubing were rounded up from just about everywhere, including having to buy two specific fittings from Upchurch (with my personal money...grr...heh). The manual injector was 'borrowed' from a HPLC. And the regenerant tank, an 8 L pressurized monster filled with sulphuric acid, was self-made (man, I hope it doesn't explode--not outside the realm of possibility ;) ).

Anyway, yesterday I got good, consistent results from standards. So, today, samples will be run!

~runs off~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~deep sigh of relief~

Looks good, gentle reader...looks real good. The research is turning out how I hoped it would, even a little bit better. Still, I'm only through a third of my samples, so I can't say there won't be surprises yet....but today, I'm a happy camper. ~smiles~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Me as hurley from Lost (season 2 finale)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Hurley, Mark II. I was asked to reprise this role for Halloween. I just wanted to post this version because it show of the hair better ;) and the chops are a bit thicker :D

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So...

I've finished my research. I've finished helping an undergrad with hers. I've submitted an abstract and preprint for the national ACS conference. I've done everything I can do, for the moment, for my applications to continue my education at one of four schools.

I think that about wraps that up.

I still need to make a poster for said ACS meeting. I still need to write my full research paper. I still need to graduate. I still need to be accepted for a PhD program.

~nods~

All in a life's work ~rolleyes~

So, while I have the time, I'll bid you best wishes, gentle reader.

:)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, of the four applications I've turned in, I have one response. Fortunately, its an acceptance letter and from the school I was leaning towards anyway. Still, I'm looking forward to hearing from at least one more. Who knows...if the offer they make is good enough...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, yeah. I'm going to KU in the fall. And I'm going to Lawrence next month. Went up today to look at apartments...fortunately I found one and put the deposit down. One less thing to worry about...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

The post above depends, largely, on tomorrow.

I'm giving my master's defense in about 17 hours...

Tick. Tock.

Am I prepared. Mostly. Could I be more prepared? Absolutely.

~shrugs~

Frack it, lets do this thing.

~goes to bed~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, so long as I pass my classes, I should get my masters. Graduation is in two weeks. Oh, how the years fly by...now if only the next four will do so as well.

Here's one of my two 'publications' so far. Not really fair, because its just an abstract. If I get the third (and real) publication, I let you know...

http://oasys2.confex.com/acs/233nm/techprogram/P1040322.HTM

[Malcor Sylverwood]

~sighs glumly~ So, I found out today that my grandfather has cancer. The docs think it started in the pancreas and spread from there. So, it doesn't look good. Its kinda funny, the only one who is dealing well with it is my 'pa. He's a tough old coot and he sees it as just one more challenge.

And right now, I'm not even sure when I can go be with my family...

~sighs~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate unpacking. ~sigh~

So, anyway, I'm moving to Lawrence at the end of the week. I've tried to have things set up so that the internet loss is minimal, but...

Granted, at this point, it wouldn't change my activity much ~rolleyes~

Farewell, gentle reader. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

The first meeting with the research group that I'll be working *for* this summer is today. This group is also the group I'd like to work *with* for my PhD work. So, hopefully it goes well from everybody's perspective ;)

Color me nervous...

heh

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Tomorrow, I may attempt the dangerous crossing known as a Windows reinstall. Mayhap I will. If my shiny new external harddrvie arrives If so.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

My grandfather passed today. :(

He was truly one of the good ones. Was always glad to see anyone, would happily chat with them, and never said a bad word about anybody. If I ever had to chose to grow up with a different father, he would be the first one I'd chose. His patience was amazing. He would have made a great teacher, always had a good way of explaining things without oversimplifying or patronizing.

Farewell, pa...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

The funeral is tomorrow. I don't like funerals... :(

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Lostume Mark II

Mikhail Alexandrowitsch Bakunin, Leslie Arzt, Desmond David Hume, Sayid Jarrah

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Aint even done with the night
John Mellencamp

Well our hearts beat like thunder
I dont know why they dont explode
You got your hands in my back pockets
And sam cookes singin on the radio
You say that Im the boy who can make it all come true
Well Im tellinya that I dont know if I know what to do

You say thats all right, hold tight
Well I dont even know if Im doin this right
Well all right, hold tight
We can stay out all day or we can run around all night
Well all night, all night
Well its time to go home
And I aint even done with the night

Well I dont know no good come-ons
And I dont know no cool lines
I feel the heat of your frustration
I know its burnin you up deep down inside
You say that Im the boy who can make it all come true
Well Im tellin ya that I dont know if I know what to do

You say thats all right, hold tight
Well I dont even know if Im doin this right
Well all right, hold tight
We can stay out all day or we can run around all night
Well all night, all night
Well its time to go home
And I aint even done with the night

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, yeah, I guess there will be a couple of things in this post, gentle reader...

First, I've been seeing somebody. Yes, I know, I can't believe it myself. Unfortunately, she lives in Emporia, where I was, and I live in Lawrence, where I am now. So...if that wasn't difficult enough...

She got word today that her brother was killed in Iraq. He and two others were in a Humvee that hit an IED. :(

So, now I'm stuck here, and I can't go to her. It just makes me feel so...useless... ~sigh~

~raises glass~ Here's to the day nobody has to die like this...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Emporia soldier killed in Iraq (http://www.emporiagazette.com/news/2007/sep/05/emporia_soldier_killed_iraq/)
RIP, lad...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, somewhat surprisingly to me, my girl and I went to the REO/38 special/Kansas concert. The concert was good, but more importantly I think she enjoyed it--even if it was just from being away from everything else.

Now, I'm very tired and my ears are ringing. M-O-O-N, that spells bedtime...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, went to the RenFest today with my girl ;)

I love that place. :) A good time was had by all, and I bought a hat ;)

For the moment, you can see it in my profile...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Why is it that sometimes when you thinking you are doing the right thing, it feels so wrong?

So, I met my girlfriend at ESU. We were both in the chemistry department, she's there as an undergrad and will graduate in a year and a half. We had been talking, just talking mind, about her coming up to KU at that point, and she would start on her chem PhD too. It seemed like a good plan, even if it wasn't one that actually ended up happening.

Anyway, she's getting a little burned out on chemistry. Tired of the classwork and whatnot. So, she's thinking about finishing her BS in chemistry, and then maybe going to grad school for something else, maybe a more general environmental science degree. And thats great in itself...but, the schools she's looking at for it are far away. So, instead of being temporally seperated by just over a year...it may be four or more.

~sigh~

I know the right thing to do, is to support her and to tell her that should needs to do what she wants to do. And thats what I want to do, and have done. But, I can't say that I just want her here with me...and so here we are, gentle reader. Doing the right thing just seems wrong.

Or maybe it ISN'T the right thing. Thats the trick, isn't it?

Of course, I honestly never expected to be here, to be any part of this decision for anyone else. And thats whats getting me through, realizing I am the lucky one for somebody who is willing to put up with me...

~smiles wistfully~ Hopes and dreams are funny creatures, are they not, gentle reader?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I am getting so god-damned frustrated with myself. I know I've never been a great self-motivator, but its getting out of hand. I'm struggling some with my first semester here at KU, not becuase its difficult at all, but just because I can't get myself to DO what needs to be done. Take the last few days...this was our fall break, so I had no classes Thursday and Friday. Over that time, I had a few things to get done, nothing to stressful if I had just done it, some grading, an assignment, and studying for the second cume on Wednesday. No problem, right? Except I haven't done a fucking thing...until now. I'll get the assignment done, and I'll probably look at the paper to study for the cume...but grading is out the window. Which means I'll need to do it tomorrow and the next day--by then, I'll no doubt have been give NEW things to day. And for what? So I could get in another game of Madden? Stare mindlessly at the tv? Pathetic.

~sigh~

It would take so little change...and yet...

Hell, its about the same with getting in shape. I really don't think it would take anything major, no five hour a day regiments at the gym but a few little things...eat a little less, eat a little better, drink less soda, go for a walk, whatever. So why can't I do it?

hmph

I don't know that I've ever been this angry with myself.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me gentle reader. And I apologize for the profanity, but sometimes it is warrented. Right now feels like one of those times. Tomorrow on the other hand... ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Yesterday was a good day. My girl came up to hang out...and we carved pumpkins. ;)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So....just had one of those dreams. This one was mostly about Rachael, my girlfriend if I haven't mentioned her by name yet, and her not speaking to me. That classifies as nightmare to be sure. I'm guessing its come up just because we haven't had a chance to catch up in the last couple of days, but otherwise everything is fine. Just a bad dream, but strong enough that sitting here now at 3am, I can't shake it. So, here I am, letting it so it will hopefully leave me alone...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Is there anything as maddenly infuriated as Love? For crying out loud, I don't know how anyone can do this. And keep doing it. I've never been torn like this...pulled in so many directions seemingly at once. How can one still be even sane when one word, one thought, one action, for better of for worse, seems so drastic and mutalble?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, yeah. I can't help but think that its only a matter of time before I screw everything up. I already think she has the patience of a saint to put up with me...and I just don't know what to do. ~sigh~

Days like today are the worst. I have free time, but she's completely busy. That leaves me way to much time to think and to overanalyze. I'm really no good at this...heh

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Well, finally got to chat with Rachael. Things seem to be ok. She probably too good to me.

Anyway, I want to say thank you. So, thank you to those of you with your kind words. I think sometimes I forget what a kind rep message (or PM) might mean to somebody else, so let me tell you that it yours really helped me today. I needed them. Thank you. Thank YOU. I'm honored ~bows deeply~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

So, what's up. I saw Rachael yesterday. I SAW her. ~beams~ So, everything there seems ok. I'm just worried about what happens when she graduates, I'm helplessly in over my head at this point... :)

I passed my October cume, just got it back today. So that's one test down, and three to go. Then I can get on with the other parts of this wacky PhD thing.

Behind on my grading. I hate grading. Maybe I'll do some tomorrow. heh

I did good on my inorganic test. Prof said it was a A, even tho I scored 85/100. Crazy graduate school grading.

Watched Bridge to Terabithia...I still have strong feelings from when I read it as a kid. I was well done and very sad. The girl they chose to play Leslie seemed nearly perfect, she has a quirky smile that is infectious...just as it should be.

I have a numb spot on my leg that doesn't go away. I wonder if thats bad.

I drink too much soda. I should stop.

The paragraphs are getting shor--

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Choices.

Every waking moment of every day we're making choices. Small things mostly, but every now and again we have to make larger ones too. It's almost always the big choices that we talk about, in fact its why I'm here tonight, gentle reader. But, it has me thinking that we can forget the little choices we make. Even if those little choices have a cumulative effect, we tend, in my experience, to simply pass those choices off. And that's probably a mistake. The little things do have an effect on us and those around us. Let not forget that, shall we? As usual, I understand it's easier said than done. Maybe just spend some time reflecting on those little choices...see what your head and your heart tell you about them.

Anyway, big choices. There's one staring me in the face. And its not the choice that troubles me so much, as it is the timing. My timing sucks, always has. Just the timing. For once, I have a big choice...and I know what I want, moreso than ever. But, I just don't know how to make it work. If, I had a time machine...then no sweat. Sadly, the flux capacitor isn't coming along so well. Still, when I can take a deep breathe and look at it, I'm glad this choice is here to make. Even if I'm struggling with it, its better by far than not having any choice or not knowing what you want. And I do know what I want...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Crazy? Yes.

Crazy good? Yes.

Worth every risk? Yes.

Worth every long, lonely minute? Yes.

For sure? Absolutely...

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Nightmares.

Here I thought I was coming out of this recent phase of strangely intense and vivid dreams. I went a couple weeks there waking up most every night from them. Now, those weren't all nightmares, in fact most werent, but they were....Strong.

This one, however, was a nightmare. The kind you wake up from drenched in sweat (granted, it was unseasonably warm today, and the warmth is still lingering, but not enough to account for this). The kind that even as you wake you haven't full shook it.

Most of the details have already fades, as dreams do, but I remember jaws. And teeth. Set in something akin to a dog or a wolf's mouth. I remember this detail because I can still almost feel the the way the teeth pressed down on my forearm as I tried, perhaps in vain, to keep the thing away from my neck. The way the pressure was greatest nearest to the inside of its muzzle. The way I could feel the heat of its breath even as it loosed my arm to try to find more vital purchase.

Nightmares.
What purpose, gentle reader, do these serve?

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Guess what...

Its 70 degrees. In November. In Kansas.

Guess what else...

Tomorrow? High of 40 (early in the day). Freezing rain. Snow.

Ain't life grand? ;)

-Malcor "Turn, turn, turn" Sylverwood
Well, it is now cold, gray, and snowing. Funny old world, isn't it? Still, it seems fitting.

It is November.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

I've been told, on at least one occasion, that I expect too much from people. Sometimes, in the dark watches of the night, I fear that to be true. Most people who know me just a little, seem to tend to think I'm a cynic. And I oft speak as such, many a times quoting Murphy's law. But, for those who know me better, find that at heart I'm an optimist, to the point of almost being blindy naive. I think it is this that causes the problems that allow people to tell me that I expect too much from people--I just can't see that I do--and I've tried, oh, how I've tried.

The guise of the Hermit has served me well. It has always been a cloak to shield me from those cold, cold winds. And yet, there have been those who have found they way through, past the blinding light of the Hermit's lantern...past even the layers of defense. These people born with the unique ability to see me, to accept these things, and love me still--The Star, The Fool, The Magician, The Priest. These things have become a part of me. No, more than that even, they have become what I am.

The winds of fate have blown me in a direction that takes me from them, and them from me...but they are still with me and always will be. That same wind moved in ways that are mysterious, leading me down paths I don't believe I was prepared to travel. And so, I chose to risk, chose to leave more to chance, and opened the cloak--just an inch, and just for a little while. To this day, I revel at how quickly the spectrum changed...and how at some point it managed to snap back. While it was a breathe of much needed fresh air...it was also cold. Much colder than anyone could have imagined. I do not regret this. But I did draw the cloak back to me tightly. One of these drafts, by chance or whim, sent me down another new path...one that is steep and rocky, but brightly lit with fires that I can warm myself to and even begin to understand.

But the tale does not end. Something else happened then, that I did not expect. I stumbled upon another path, with heights before almost undreamed of, dreams long ago discarded and forgotten. And so, on this day I split myself, walking both paths at once, hoping--no, expecting to arrive at different locations in the same place. Both paths are rough going, many a stumbling point along the way...but this new path...

The way seems so much narrower, yet the heights attainable much greater. It takes only a glimpse on this path to see the possible fall...a fall to the depths of everything. I've already passed one gap in this path, perhaps the hardest in many ways. I took that first step, that step into the air, that leap of faith. But I didn't have to do that alone. Some of these things I must be able to pass on my own, or be deemed unworthy--even if only to my own eyes. Others, I can not do on my own. And this is where the cloak and the lantern that I have always needed fail me. These next gaps, will I step out into the open, only to find there is no path and a shall be tumbling to those depths, to the rocks below? Or will the hands of other be there, to hold me up, to put me back on the path? I cannot tell you, this card has not yet been played. But, I can tell you what I *believe*.

This is my path now. I will walk it to the end. And I shall do so with a smile.

~smiles~

[Malcor Sylverwood]

Soldier on, soldier on. Chin up.

Time is the enemy, sometimes. I went to fight it off for a few minute...but it just emphasised something that was missing...that feeling you've left something undone....something forgotten. Like a lot of things, as long as you're engaged, you don't notice it so much...but its the quiet moments...the lulls.

Chin up, gentle reader. :)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

A stumble along the path. The helping hand was there, although who saved who could be questioned. What's important, I think, is the answer does not matter.

One foot in front of the other.

:)

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 days.

Day One. Holding up alright, considering. Attempting to shut down all non-essential systems to conserve vitals. Attempting EPS bypass at junction FB-M. All crew report to stations as governed by your team leader. Sheilds at 90%

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 days.

Day Two. Quantum anomaly. Under normal circumstances, this would be an ordeal. The anamoly IS troubling, but strangly it has lessed, somewhat, other problems. Expected anomaly lifetime, four days. Added subroutine to help expediate anomaly, limited gain. Bypass at FB-M non-successful. The bypass will remain until another alternative is found. Perhaps the conduit in CP-T may prove useful. Life support nominal in designated areas. Shields holding at 90%.

Supplemental: An energy burst of some kind, accompanied by a Tetryon wave. Shields at 85%.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 days.

Day Three. Entry is late due to complete loss of all subspace communication. The quantum anomoly is having a strange effect on the crew...namely making the feel ill and, strangely, random bursts of anger--sounding almost like Tourette syndrome at times. Temporary success in the EPS bypass, but it does not hold. Shields steady at 85%

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 days.

Day Four. Strange. Even in a near crisis, the chain of command is still determined to hold training drills. Like thats what is needed. The quantum anamoly intesified, but the duration has not changed. It should have passed before tomorrow is done. Recieved word from our sister ship, seems they suffered a major hit today. I think it put them out of commission for an entire day. Going off duty for a bit.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 Days.

Day five. Some of the crew are beginning to grumble, to whisper. They wonder why we are out here, how we got into this situation, and what's being done. And, sometimes, so do I. All I can tell them is that it does have a purpose, that isn't for nothing. That's because all I know, all I believe. There are those with more knowledge, elsewhere in the chain of command, and while they may not be decietful, they may not be saying everything they know. It would be easy to demand answers of them, but I do not believe this is the time. It is up to them to decide what to share. Loyalty is a noble trait, even when it is an uncomfortable badge to wear.

The quantum anomoly has passed. Calculations lead me to believe there is a high probability that it will resurface once, and hopefully only once, more. The crew is starting to wear down, double shifts and high stress. Shore leave would be nice. Anticipation. Power systems steady, other systems go on the blink. Replicators, comminications, stellar cartography. Life support still stable. Shields slowly draining again without the side effect of the quantum anomoly. Shields at 82%.

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 days.

Day 6. I just realized that I apparently have difficult spelling 'anomaly'. I'm not sure why the library computer didn't pick this up, LCARS must have a glitch too. Sometimes immediate danger is easier to deal with. No time to think, only react. It's the midnight shift when you are waiting for it that oft seem the most difficult. No word from our sister ship, none at all. No news is...well, no news. It usually feels bad tho...hopefully feels worse than it is. Life support stable. Subspace channels seem to be open, if silent. I contimplated firing a holodeck. I almost think I could mask its power signature. I almost think it would be worth it. Stand on the beach and sink. Shields still draining, should have plenty of juice...if nothing goes wrong. And what fun with that be? Shields at 81%

[Malcor Sylverwood]

21 Days.

Day seven. Now instead of drills, its paperwork. Who new when I shipped out there would be so much paperwork involved. Status reports. Cargo manifests. Crew evaluations. It never ends. I remember I signed up to be an explorer. Recieved brief message from our sister ship. At least they are still alive. There in the moments before the message came in, I was starting to believe that...well, with too much time one begins to think about worst case scenarios. And thinking about them being adrift...well, it makes you think about your position too. Life support is still functioning, but its getting a little cool. I dislike being cold. Navigation is down, impulse engines are spotty at best. Shields at 80%