My Work, critique?

[ChiChi]

I'll be posting a few stories here, but starting tomorrow. Just wanted to start this so I'd remember. :rolleyes:

[ChiChi]

Music fills the room as my fingers dance along the black and white ivory keys of the piano. My eyes scan the sheet of music, while my brain works vigorously at co-ordinating my hands. I chew my bottom lip and a trickle of sweat runs down my face. I can’t make a mistake. I can’t make a mistake. Then it happens; I make a mistake. I continue playing; hoping my teacher hasn’t noticed the unnecessary flat. I finish my piece the best I can, then putting on my best face I slide off the bench and curtsy to the audience. I hurry to my seat and close my eyes, it’s over.

I hug my music books close to my chest as I walk to my piano teacher’s house. The wind howls it’s melody in my ears as leaves play between my legs, creating a song. The door creaks as I open it and I make my way inside and down to the room. Please don’t take too long. Placing my books on the piano stand, I take my seat on the cold hard piano bench. I examine the speck of dirt on one of the keys of the piano, hypnotised. I can feel the hard, emotionless stare of my piano teacher boring into the side of my face. She reaches over and wipes the dirt off the keys, distracting my hard focused attention.

“Shall we begin?”

I gulp down the lump in my throat and place my hands on the keys, carefully examining the sheet of music in front of me. My fingers press the keys producing a beautiful melody and I’m tempted to close my eyes and get lost in the music. As my body begins to sway with the song, I feel a harsh grasp on my shoulder, causing me to snap back to reality. As my piece comes to a close I let out a breath, as if I’ve been holding it the whole time.

“To begin with,” she starts, as she taps her pen judgementally on her note pad, “don’t sway. Only people with no education sway. Swaying causes the mind to loose concentration.” I stare at the sheet of music in front of me as she continues to spew discouragement at me like a never-ending fountain. My vision starts to blur as I feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes. I can’t cry. I must be brave. My head is spinning by the time my lesson is over. I gather my books, slip on my shoes, and pull on my jacket, nearly tripping over my feet in my rush to leave that room. All I see is the stamp on my paper, Satisfactory.

Once outside the crisp air gently cools my face, assuring me my lesson is over. I close my eyes and listen to the music as I wait for my parents to arrive and take me home. It’s my music, which she can’t hear. It’s the music that always plays to calm me down when I’m scared, cheer me up when I’m sad, and help me fall asleep. It’s the song that I can always hear and not worry about her critiquing me. It’s the song within, and it’s mine forever.

[ChiChi]

She never spoke much, nor did she ever worry about what others thought of her. Her hair was simple and brown, and her eyes a dark brown. Her skin was golden and her cheeks often glowed pink, but it was her genuine smile that attracted me.

Whenever she walked into a room my eyes would follow her, hypnotised by her spell. No one else noticed her, no on else knew she existed. Yet I could never talk to her. Whenever I stood beside her I’d feel small and insignificant, but she’d smile at me every time she walked by me. My heart would skip a beat and my ears would burn bright red.

Once I tried to ask a friend about her, only to get laughed and scoffed at. Is it something I said?

Valentines Day is in three days, and my anxiety grows like weeds in a garden. I want to ask this girl to be mine, but will she accept? I pace in my room, mustering the courage to ask her, when I turn and see her. She’s standing there in front of me and then she smiles. How did she get here? I stare, completely at a loss for words. As I take a step forwards she starts to walk towards me.

We don’t exchange any words, yet I know what she is thinking and she knows what I am thinking. I reach out my hand to touch her and she does the same. As our fingers touch her cold hands startle me. Her eyes stare directly into mine, her gaze comforts me. I can finally speak.

“Who are you?” Her lips seem to move with mine, as if she was asking me the same question. I wait for her reply, but she only stands there waiting for mine. She is still smiling, her gaze never faltering. I take a deep breath and as I open my mouth, she opens her and speaks instead of me.

“I am she who is inside of you.” Could it be, perhaps? “I am Raquel.”

The room starts to spin and I hold on to her for support. How could that be? How could she be me? I look into her eyes trying to comprehend. Her eyes are twinkling, dark brown like mine. I reach a hand up to touch my hair and she mimics me. It is then I can smile, and see her smile once more. I slowly let go of her, knowing that I can come back and see her anytime. I turn and leave my room, wearing that smile. That smile which I fell in love with, that smile which comforts me. That smile is mine.

Valentines Day is in three days, and I will take her with me. And when Valentines is over she will still be with me, for she has decided to be mine. We will smile together, my Valentine and I, forever.

[ChiChi]

oops!! Now that I'm not taking up as much space..

[ChiChi]

[I had to write a compare and contrast short story, and I was very very stumped. I may have been sorta buzzed when I wrote this...]
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Its sharp eyes scan the horizon looking for prey as it flies through a forest. It’s bright red feathers scorching the trims of the trees, causing them to blaze up in anger. Earthly rodents scurry into dirt holes trying to find ways to avoid the Phoenix’s fury. Every so often the giant bird swoops down and snatches an unlucky passer-by, while spectators watch cautiously from their hideouts. The fiery red bird soars majestically through the sky dominating all that oppose it.

It only had one enemy who resided in the magnificent ice castle, the Ice Queen. Her cold stare would freeze anyone in her tracks. Snow surrounded her for miles, and flowers would freeze into crystal sculptures. Her shimmering white robes would trail behind her leaving a smooth trail of snow wherever she walked.

For a long time these two were mortal enemies, and fought many wars. Many creatures would die, and those that survived and stories to tell their children and grandchildren. Until that one fateful day. The battlefield was chosen. It was a flat piece of land where not even flowers or trees grew. The Phoenix spread its wings and dove from the highest mountain at the Ice Queen, while she raised her long frozen staff. As the two collided there was a loud bang and a blinding bright light covered the land.

As the light subsided one could have noticed a difference in the land. There was a clear substance on the ground. The green grass that had once stretched across the dirt was no longer there. If one had touched the substance it would have rippled and they could have put their whole hand in. It was refreshing to the touch, and even good to drink. In the middle of this vast new substance there was a large rugged rock. Creatures came out to observe it, when suddenly the ground rumbled and the rock split. Rabbits hopped back into the bushes as robins few back to their branches. From the split rock emerged a girl. Her eyes were an ice blue, like that of the Ice Queen, while her hair was as red as the Phoenix’s feathers. Her skin was fair, but what attracted most of their attention was her bottom half. She did not have legs like the Ice Queen but rather had a long scaly tail. As she looked up her crystal eyes scanned her surroundings. She reached down and touched the clear substance and right a way a new creature sprung out from the surface. Its shimmering scales glistened in the sunlight, and it’s long slender wings flapped delicately in the air. Many followed and they frolicked in and out of the substance’s surface. The girl smiled and opened her mouth.

“Water.”

It was from that day onward no on ever heard the sound of battle, nor did the creatures ever fear neither the Phoenix nor the Ice Queen. Some say she’s a myth, but many claim to have seen her. Yet if one listens one can hear the voice of the siren in the wind, her song forever enchanting future sailors in the sea.

[Arianna]

chichi, those are beautiful. i love writing myself and i believe you do a wonderful job of capturing the art and the imagination. keep it up girl.

[ChiChi]

The warm summer breeze teases my hair, untying the blue ribbon that held it in a ponytail. Soft brown curls cascade over my shoulders as my white summer dress twirls around me legs. The delicate white lace shimmers in the sunlight, and the blue bows flow in the wind. I close my eyes letting the sun dance on my eyelashes. Taking a deep breath I allow the magical air to invade my lungs.

Giant redwoods reach for the sky, sheltering the little rose bushes at their feet. Moss covers the forest floor allowing room for only flowers and a few mushrooms to grow. I daintily skip through the trees singing along with the four-winged birds. Their brightly coloured feathers illuminate the soft colours of the flower beds. Their singing is like that of a choir, mysterious in all the wonder.

I ventured further until I reach a small patch of grass, where no trees grow. In the centre there is a large round table-like stone. I stopped skipping and a hush spread through the trees, as the birds flew and sat on the branches watching me. Carefully, I took a few steps forward never taking my eyes off the stone table. As I approached I noticed a bright red crystal in the centre of the table. Around the crystal was writing, in a strange forgotten tongue. As I run my fingers over the runes, they began to glow. First a dull red, slowly becoming a brilliant blinding white. I close my eyes and cover my face as the light envelops me along with my surroundings.

When I finally open my eyes I find myself lying on my side facing a lagoon. Rose bushes, and large white orchids decorate the border of the lagoon. Minute white butterflies flirt with the white water lilies scattered along the edges of the lagoon. The lagoon is a dark musty green, hiding its treasures deep within. The water is calm and peaceful, and rising from the midst of the magic rises a wise, old weeping willow.

I feel myself drawn to Her. A soft breeze blows gentle through my hair welcoming me in. I crawl on my hands and knees until I reach the edge of the lagoon. I slip my bare feet into the water, allowing it caress my legs. Without bothering to remove my dress, I gingerly slip my body into the unknown. Tiny golden fish swim towards me and play a game of tag between my legs, as I swim towards the willow. The butterflies join and tease each other around my head creating a sort of angelic halo. As I’m swimming I can see the lagoon’s golden treasures glimmering under my body. Slowly I swim to the willow savouring every moment.

Once I’ve reached Her I pull my dripping body out of the lagoon, and tiptoe my way through Her majestic roots. Once I’ve reached Her I tenderly touch Her rough, worn trunk. A warmth and comfort enters me, and I press my cheek on Her bark. I listen to Her voice singing a lullaby with calms the entire lagoon. I hear giggling above my head and looking up I see little fairies playing amongst Her branches. Their wings shimmer in the sunlight, which peaks through Her luscious green leaves. The fairies make their way down to me, and circling me they sing their song.

I sense myself getting drowsy, and I feel myself gradually slipping down to Her feet. I slowly close my eyes, drifting into a peaceful sleep. I sense my fingers tingling, slowly going numb. I try to move my legs and am unable to, yet I never worry. Slowly my senses fade and I drift into a world of fantasy and bliss.

When my eyes open, I’m lying in my bed. My sheets feel cool and are neatly tucked under me. I roll over and look through the flapping curtains of my canopy bed out the window. Slipping off the bed and walking through the open window outside, I lean on the railing of the porch and stare up into the sky, watching the rolling clouds stroll by. Was it all a dream? Was I really in that lagoon? And what happened to Her? My mind fills with questions, as I watch a blue bird land beside me on the old railing. The bird looks at me and seems to wink, as if it had a secret to share. Perhaps there is a magical lagoon out there. A lagoon where our dreams can be found, and children can play. No one knows where this lagoon is and those who look for it can never find it. It’s the hidden lagoon, the lost lagoon, the forgotten lagoon.

[ChiChi]

Pulling her bed sheets over her head, April’s little body quivered with fear. She shut her eyes not willing to see the shadowy monsters that slunk against her bedroom walls. Her little knuckles turned white from her tight grasp on her pink bed sheets, and she feared the worst. She couldn’t sleep; not this night or the next.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One morning April lugged her body out of bed and down the spiral stairs that led to the kitchen. On her way down she felt herself being thrown against the railing as two older boys shoved past her. As she reached the table she let her body collapse on the chair, at the corner of the table. A bowl of slushy porridge is plopped in front of her. Picking up her spoon she dives into the cold slush. Slowly she finishes the bowl, and takes it to the sink and washes it. As she makes her way back to her room her two older brothers stop her.

“Hey April,” they taunt as they poke her. “Let’s play ‘Cowboys and Indians’!”

“No thanks.”

“C’mon! You can be the Indian!” April was always the Indian, and she didn’t like it.

Grabbing her by the arms, her two brothers pulled her outside and to the forest in their backyard. Grabbing a chicken feather, she rushed Aprils along. Once in the forest the older brother shoved the feather in her ponytail, then putting on his own cowboy hat and pulling out a water pistol, ran away laughing. April looked up through the treetops and stared at the sun.

“Hey!”

Spinning around April was greeted with water shot into her eyes.

“Ow!” April rubbed her burning eyes. Opening them she could only hear laughter, but saw no one.

Picking up her feat she decided to make her way back home. Stupid game. Trudging along she noticed that it was taking an awfully long time to get home. Looking up she noticed the sun was beginning to set, and she still couldn’t see the forest’s exit. Getting worried she picked up her speed, only to trip on a protruding root from a tree. As she picked herself up and began to dust herself off she noticed the feather on the ground. Not bothering to pick it up again, she continued on her way to find her way home.

Hours passed and darkness set in, releasing the creatures of the night. Owls hooted, and badgers growled at the passing racoon. April’s mind was spinning and she was very frightened. Finding a small bush, she crawled into it and hugged her knees, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks. She tried to sleep, but was unable to. There she sat waiting, waiting for the Queen of the Night to miss her.

“April! April!”

April sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Looking around she realised the awful nightmare she had lived last night. How she feared the darkness now. She crawled out from the bush and ran to meet the voice calling her name. Finally she found her parents and threw herself at them. She had been found.

That night April made a simple request to her mother as she was being tucked in.

“Could you leave my light on?” Smiling her mother reached over and lit a candle. Placing it in a bowl of water, she left the room. As she turned and looked back, she saw April sleeping, and facing the light.

[Abraxas77]

I'm procrastinating right now, and I see you asked for a critique. Though I don't see any posted yet, so I'll start.


I'll start with the first piece for no better reason than that its a place to start. So, here's my critique on, "The Song Within".

Plot - There's not much of a plot at all. The story is about a talented girl with horrible teacher. The plot, the girl's journey from point A to point B, is not here. As a reader, I don't buy the conclusion because I don't know how she came to it. How does the "song within" help resolve her conflicts?

Conflict - You hint at some great conflict here. I believe this is what makes your story good as it is. However, you only begin to scrape the surface. I don't buy that the problem is resolved by the end of the story. Maybe I'd buy it if she had told the teacher off, and moved on or practiced on her own and played a second recital perfectly.

Characters - Awesome! Great job. The dialog fits the teacher, I formed a solid image of her (though some more description couldn't hurt). The girl as well, has a solid personality. She's fully believable (except for her inner dialog at the end, which is plausable, but I don't buy it b/c it seems like she suddenly came to this conclusion, but its not tested).

Hook / begging - Great hook! You had me.

Ending - What I mentioned above.

Grammar & other little things:

First paragraph first sentence.
I'd like it better if you left "of the piano" out. Readers are not dumb, its good to let them figure a few things out. You leave plenty of clues to tell them its a piano.
"I continue playing; hoping my teacher hasn’t noticed the unnecessary flat."
Replace the semi-colan with a coma, or make the second half a complete sentence. Semi-colans tie two complete sentences together. The previous sentence is a perfect example.
I suggest you break the next sentence like this: "...best I can. Then, putting on..." Its not wrong the way it is, It just reads easier this way, IMO.
You might want to reword/rethink the description, "as leaves play between my legs." What exactly do you mean by that? I'm having trouble forming that image.


I'm going to stop here for the moment. If you wish I will continue. I just fear that I'm saying to much at once. Its a good story. I want to help you develop it into a great story. :)

cheers,
77