just a thought

[Lilith]

i chose to write here for many reasons. first, mainly being, i feel listened to. as awkward as that may sound. sometimes, one has been so closed up to the world, and loses or cant figure out how to communicate anymore. other times, one just doesnt feel that anyone is listening, or doesnt really have someone to share with, without being made to feel wrong or judged about the ideas one carries. i have lost communication with those around me. if anyone would care to notice, or pay some attention, they would realize that they really dont know me anymore, or as much as they think they do.

second, strangers, can be the best listeners. not that i consider any of my new internet friends strangers, at least not anymore. but i have total control of what aspects of my life i choose to share with whoever takes their time to read this open journal and whatever wacky thoughts might spill out of my mind. somehow, YOU may know more about me and might appreciate me more, as a person, than people right in front of me.

now i'm one of those people, that when asks you about your day, or problems, or feelings, honestly wants to know. i'm not asking you to be polite, or because its just the thing to ask. i honestly want to know, honestly want to listen. i love people, talking to them, listening to them, or just sitting at a bar with a friend, drinking a beer, without saying a word. sometimes all that is needed is just a little silence, to make everything alright.

so for all those great listeners, thanks.

[Lilith]

Recently, I was asked how I thought not having a father affected someone's life. Now the topic of the conversation was of course how there were sooo many people who would of probably done better or had better lifes, if the missing parent would have been around.
Although, it may be true, that is not always the case. Me for example, I have never met my father. I will most likely talk about him a lot here cause I have so much anger against him, and it will be my way of getting it out of my system...
Something I wrote a long time ago...coincidentally...

In my dreams, I see myself as a little girl. My father is holding my hand while we walk together. He shares with me the hopes and dreams he holds for my future.
In my nightmares, he is the worst father in the world. Oblivious to my existense, or abusive. no hopes and dreams, no beautiful future.
There is only one way not having a father has affected me, and that is that I will never know. always wonder, but never know.
I will never know how truly wonderful or how very dissapointing my relationship could have been with my father. Never know, how it would have felt to be held or kissed or hit or beat. The only way that it has affected my life, and why I will always hold anger inside for you, is that you will always be in my mind, I will always wonder what it would be like having you around. And even though I dont need you and did great without you... thoughts like that will never go away.

[Lilith]

~sigh~

this has been a very interesting month. sometimes it seems the whole world stands against me. how is it possible for so many things to go wrong in 1 week? one day you have a nice warm place to go home too, next day its all gone. one day, you feel like there is no one to help you. friends seem to dissapear when they are needed the most. but even when everything seems hazy, new friends that one would of never thought of, appear by your side, and stand there, willing to help in any way possible. well, looking at it in a positive way which i always try to do, this chain of events will surely be beneficial for all of us. we needed a change, needed to get out of the conditions we were living in, and now, this change which was placed upon us without our wanting it, is greatly welcomed. it will all be ok. there is always hope. so then, why do i seem to feel alone sometimes, when there are obviously so many people who care around me? this is still something i dont quite understand.

[Lilith]

And so it begins
what i've been so afraid to face.
For i have seen it coming, getting closer day by day.

And you are on my mind.
As my heart shatters and i struggle to breathe.
As a large, bottomless pit grows inside me.
You are the only thing on my mind.
Dizziness comes as my life seems to slow down,
and time, which will not wait, keeps passing me by.

And then i sit here and wonder
about anything i could have possibly done better.
I could have succumbed to your wishes
and made you the center of my universe.
After all, isnt that what love is all about?
To lose yourself and who you are.
To give everything up, even that which you hold dear.
In order to make your loved one happy.

And now, i am no longer whole.
Just half of what i used to be.
Lost track of what life was all about before i met you.

And now I'm lost.
As feelings of sadness begin to fill me up,
After all, i clipped my own wings and made my own chains.
As everything starts to fade away,
As the feelings of loneliness begin to consume me,
As my walls grow higher and stronger than ever before,
I must learn to fly again.

[Lilith]

so, next years resolution... i'm quitting smoking. not that i was a really big smoker... mostly only in social occasions, or when i felt really stressed. a pack would last me a month. but i realized that i never really liked it. and i'm not quite sure why i do it. i know its not to fit in, cause i could care less if i do or dont. and i know that i'm not addicted to it, cause i can go without smoking for months, and i will be cool. so why??? i dont know. sometimes, when i am stressed or depressed, it calms me down to smoke a cig. either way, i'm quitting.

[Lilith]

How do you live with so much hate and anger? Thinking the whole world is out to get you one way or another. Everything is done to disrespect you. There is just no other reason. You are always right, there is just no way around it. Judgemental of everything and everyone that crosses your path. Who are you to label and point fingers? Pretending to be who you are not. Pretending to know what decency really means. Pretending not to feel and not to cry.

But i see you. I wish you would realize that this is life. Its not always good, but its not always bad. There are events out of our control, but we have the choice of how we deal with them, and how much we let them affect us. There is a whole world of people who have been through what you have and worse. I hope that one day, you deal with whatever went wrong to make you so bitter and hateful, and let it all go. Put your past behind you. After all, that is where it really is. And enjoy life. Learn to live and enjoy the world and everything, and everyone in it. For as far as we know, its the only chance we'll have. Learn to be respectful of others no matter who or what they are. Learn to love the feeling of warm sand beneath your toes. Take a deep breath and bring in the ocean breeze. Jump, just cause you can. Learn to dance, close your eyes, and feel the music flow into your body, and mind. Learn to look up at the sky. Learn to admire the stars. Learn to appreciate the rain, specially when it comes to hide and wash away your tears. Learn to live without regrets. Learn to love.

[Lilith]

Ive been thinking a lot about death lately. Not in a suicidal way. I just have the feeling that i should be prepared.
My sister and i had a talk the other day. While both of us still young, we started talking about the people who've died this year (yes, this month), and in the past. We talked about Janieve (my ex) and how horrible his death was. And we came to the conclusion that we both, in case we weren't around, want to care for each others kids. Although our talk scared her, and made her uncomfortable, it left me with some sense of peace. Having someone know what i want for my children if i werent around relaxes me.
When people think about death, its usually a lonely feeling, full of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. But my thoughts are not that i'm leaving, but of what i am leaving behind. I worry about all the ones who depend on me, about how they would get along without me. Because I am the strong one, I am the mother, I am the caregiver. The one who brings home the food. The one who helps, advices, and is always there. The one everyone else looks up too. I am everything.
And who will stand up to take my place? Who shall see that everyone is well taken care of? Who would be the strong one if i were not around?

[Lilith]

i went to the california science center where they have an exhibit on human anatomy with real human bodies... it was very cool. here are some pics, hopefully they're clear... damm those camera phones... well, we werent supposed to take pics anyway, so i guess... thank god for those camera phones...

and these are real by the way... they look like this because of a process called plastination...

if anyone wants to read about it... www.californiasciencecenter.org

[Lilith]

this has been a pretty screwed up week for me. i got sooo sick i actually had to go to the emergency room. anyway, i'm a tough one... ~flexes muscles~ see!! i dont need to go to no emergency room... except this time i did get a little freaked out... i couldnt breathe... my chest hurt... not that i was afraid cuz you know... Siths fear nothing!
anyway, i go to the hospital only to stay there all freaking day! when doctors tell you, "you are displaying symptoms of three different illnesses", you know that what they are really saying is... "we dont exactly know what the hell is wrong with you, but take this and come back if you get worse"
anyway, being sick does not fit into my schedule at all! i missed a chance to meet the lovely Tatum... which for some funny reason, i still havent. funny being that we live quite close to each other... we even have the same area code on our phone numbers... not that that's important. i just thought i'd share it. i missed four days of work!! woohooo! that was the best! but, i go back tomorrow. and i missed two days of school... which is fine, because given the circumstances, they will let me make up any unfinished work, without lowering my grade.
and last, while i was sick, my voice wasnt all that very understandable... so i call my mom...
me: mom, do you need anything from the store?
mom: hello?! hello! who is this?!
me: mom! its me!
mom: who the hell is this?!
me: mom! stop playing! its me! do you need any-
mom: you better not call again you stupid (bleep bleep) if i find out who you are im going to beat your ass!

mothers... sheesh...

[Lilith]

I really have nothing interesting to say today. Well, i probably never do. But for some strange reason, some of you still stumble in here to read about nothing. well, lets see... what has happened since last post??? as many of you know, i finally met Tatum. Beautiful girl. Soo much fun to hang out with. Tats, you gotta come and hang out again, my friends and i think you are cool. Hmmm... what else, oh yeah. The other day, i invited my friend Moussa to THE BAR. Well he doesnt need my invitation to go there. I invited him to come hang out with Larry and me. Well, he shows up with his cousins, and his girlfriend shows up a few minutes later... and he ended up not hanging out with me at all. why does that bother me??? well, it doesnt really. just that i felt ignored. Not that i wanted him to sit there and stare at me and Larry all night. But, it was just, i dont know... couldnt he think of something to say to me? something to talk about... some reason to sit with us for a minute or two. He chose to sit at the other side of the bar! do u know how far that is?! well, not really, unless you are drunk and you have to go across the room to take a leak or something... it can feel pretty far then. i dont know. why am i even trippin'? am i being selfish in some way? its just that lately... its like i dont exist. There is no time or room for me. I understand, he is a busy guy, making future and important life choices and plans. but... why is it that in our favorite hang out place, we couldnt just hang out and talk about stupid shit for at least a minute or two?

[Lilith]

mwahahahaha!!!

i made you come in and look...

wait , where are you going ??? i just might have something interesting to say! fine then! go!

[Lilith]

i'm getting married. yes, me! i know, i said i'd never do it again. me, the one who couldnt trust another, the one who didnt believe in love, the one who was afraid of commitment, the one who'd run away from it all if given a little push or a chance... i am getting married. i guess we all go through very interesting experiences regarding relationships. mine havent been the greatest... i've bumped into some real psycho's. but then again, who am i to say what actions are psychotic?? i did throw a beer bottle in the bar not more than three weeks ago... that could definitely be considered psychotic... ~sigh~ well, at least i dont pretend to hurt myself or that im dying to get someones attention... that is psychotic...

well, it doesnt matter, nothing matters, cause i am getting married... and i am sure. i have never been as sure of anything else in my life as i am of this.
i met the perfect man, who i want to spend the rest of my life with...
i never thought i'd say that either... i'm in love.

[Lilith]

its almost a year now... a year since i accidentally bumped into this place and decided to stick around. almost a year that i've shared with all of you... when i first came here, i just wanted to know what the hell all these crazy "internet nerds" were doing here... dont they have lives??? soon, i became slowly addicted, and found myself visiting the site on a daily basis! yes, i have a life. i just have the luck and opportunity to work in a place full of computers, where all i do is sit around and yell most of the time. that leaves a lot of free time in my hands.

anyway, now i cant stay away... i NEED to be here... i NEED to see how everyone is doing, and know what is going on... its pretty fucken cool to have friends all over the world... yes, im in a sensitive lovey dovey mood right now, deal with it.

i havent told anyone... or at least not many people, where i'm going (quillfest). i dont like to be told what to do, have my decisions questioned, or be told that my decisions are not the correct ones. Larry knows... moussa, i dont think i've told him, i havent told him much of anything lately... been kinda busy, which sucks cause i miss him. but, i dont wanna hear it... the "what the hell is wrong with you?, you dont even know these people! they could be trying to form some sort of cult, or one of them could be a serial killer." (Nacht would probably be the serial killer ) someone said that to me once, and that was enough for me not to want to share anything with anyone else... so as far as everyone knows, i'm going to canada to visit some friends. which is true. i am.

[Lilith]

ah yes, june 9th... i was sooo happy when i wrote my last reflection... and now, i sit here. amazed at how much has changed ever since then... well, as quillfest gets nearer, it also gets clearer that i will not be making it there. and so i sit here... feeling sorry for myself. i keep on counting the days till quillfest, and also, trying not to think about it... it used to be that every airplane i saw filled me with anxiety and excitement... i was scared to fly but i couldnt wait. and now, every time i see a plane... i get soo bummed... cant help but look away. sucks. life... how you suck sometimes. well mostly when things wont go my way...

[Lilith]

well, what is it? two more days till quillfest?
i'm so depressed, i myself cant even believe it. it's the whole mix of emotions. the whole flying thing i think. i spent all this time convincing myself everything would be fine... i wouldnt be too scared once on the plane. it was the whole getting on part that was going to be the hardest. i even thought about the poor soul who'd have to sit next to me... they were in for a long and annoying flight. :broken: i would of grabbed their hand by instinct when the plane would start to take off... and held it tightly until i felt everything was safe... silly kid... i know. i've been wanting to cry about it, but i feel like such a baby... plus, i dont like crying in front of people. i never have.
i wrote this somewhere (yeah, you know where) else when i was going to go...

ok, almost a month since i last wrote something... and the world remains the same... it still circles around the sun. birds fly. people walk, and drive cars. nothing much has really changed.
i have always wanted to be like a bird, and just, fly away... but i'm afraid of heights and airplanes... ironic, no?
afraid of heights? at least i think i am. i once got dizzy while walking over a very busy street through a plastic tunnel thingy at the airport... i had to cross it to get to the other side of the parking lot.
maybe it was only the perception, my mind playing tricks on me. sure, it looks like i will fall being that it's see-through... but, i feel the floor below me, so if i feel it, it must be there... right? i like being up, high up in a building, or high up on a mountain top, looking down at all the lights and those inferior to me. look at all those tiny people. and me, up here, way up here...
airplanes... they fall. yes they do. not all the time, no. but they do. now, silly it may seem to you, but my fear of airplanes stem from early childhood. no, i wasnt scared of them, physically. i admired them, their strength, and their power to take people to the other side of the world! but nightmares. the nightmares that i could not control. yes, i've had them all my life... nightmares of airplanes falling. of airplanes crashing, of people dying. why?? i dont know. was it my brain trying to warn me that something is not right in my life? it didnt matter. i was only a kid! dreaming of such things for years, can have a significant effect of how you live life.
and then, i realized. im not going to let any type of fear determine the way i live my life. if i should die... on an airplane, then, it shall be so. i havent stopped drinking out of fear of some sort of liver disease have i? not at all. so i will fly. what i've always wanted. soon, i will go, spend 4 wonderfully horrifying, extremely exciting, rewarding, hours in a plane. for 4 hours i will be above it all, the highest i can ever possibly go, superior to you all.

and then after i found out i wasnt going...

alas, the world, with its continuous efforts to beat down on me, oppress me, repress me, depress me, conspire against me so that i shouldnt get my way no matter what...
my plans once more have been squashed by what seems simply, mere coincidence... three actions, three people, three totally unrelated events now stand between me and my long awaited flight. how long have i awaited for it??? long! ok?! thats all you need to know. yes, longer than a year. how to respond? should i laugh or cry at my affliction, my misfortune, my horrible, and miserable luck? my mind... is baffled... disoriented. i dont know what to think except to ask, "how did i not see something like this coming?... something like this happening to me?" my plans usually never work out as intended... which is why i usually never plan too far ahead.
and now, i sit here, and plot... plot agains the conspiracy... the conspirators. those who just clipped my wings.

crap. crap, crap, crap...