Random Thoughts on Oblivion; and Other Such Cheery Topics

[Anita Blake]

i broek up with my boyfriend of two years last night. it hurts. it was my choice, and it hurts like helll. i love him. he loves me. in his way. he finally actually told me last night, for the first time, that he loves me. it kills me to hurt him, it kills me to know that i have hurt him so deeply, that i am changing his life. he will move on, and i hope he will heal, but right now, i just want to cry. so many reasons this had to be, but even so, it stings like hell. my eyes are burning from crying. i just want to be happy. i want him to be happy. i would love it if we could be happy together, but i don't think that's possible. there's a part ofme that wants to run home, hold him, and take it back, keep on going on as we were, just to get rid of this terrible pain, but the other, stronger part of me, knows that this is what must be, that this is the way it has to go. and that to run back to him would be the worst thing i could do. it would be a strange false-truth. i want it, but it's not really what i want. i want to be single. but it hurts knowing what i am giving up. and at the same time, knowing that i am giving up nothing, that i am only gaining myself back. i have been lost. and i need to find myself. it's so cliche and yet so horribly, terribly, sadly true: sometimes love isn't enough. i wish it was. i honestly do. when two people express their love in different ways, when one person's idea of love is totally different from the other's, what does that mean? incompatible? i've never known anyone so fully as i know him. I've never accepted anyone so completely in all their flaws, never been so accepted. but the truth is, he doesn't know me. he wants me, needs me maybe, but what he calls love is not what i call love.

even so, this hurts like hell. we live together, and work together, it's such a mess, such a stupid, terrible mess, and i just want to crawl under my blankets and cry. but i can't do that just yet.

this is an end. this is a beginning. this is a transition. god how it hurts.

[Anita Blake]

starting to get better. i avoided my home all day yesterday, but then i came home, and while things are a little strained, and a little tense, at least on the outside, he seems to be willing to give the appearance of being OK. We're getting along, it's juts a strained getting along. Which really, is probably about the best i could hope for, so i feel a lot better today. Also, getting a full nights sleep for the first time all week probably helped a lot.

and i do have to say i rather enjoy having the bed all to myself. none of this sleeping myself into the corner. ~sprawls over the bed greedily~

and on the plus side, a certain someone wants me to come out for drinks tonight for someone else's birthday. i still haven't told him about my newfound singleness. I think i want to revel in it for a while before attaching myself, however loosely, to someone else. All me, all the time. that's what i am looking forward to right now. yay.

but i am still kind of tired. :yawn: but feeling so much better.... yay!

[Anita Blake]

well, on the continual "breakup front" update, (lol) i am doing much much better. Things are going OK. I told my crush that i broke up, we went out for coffee, and he knew i was having a lousy week, he asked what was up, i told. Life at home is interesting. My now-ex (that feels so weird to say still, though) and i are talking, hanging out, being really friendly. I mean, part of it is that i feel really bad, so i'm over-compensating by being super-nice. That might be a mistake, but, that's who i am. I gave him a pillow from the bed, and he seemed kinda surprised. I was like, i don't really need 3 pillows, and this will be much more comfy than the couch pillows. I think that made him smile. I really don't want to hurt him. But then i have this suspicion that things are going to happen soon with my crush, and i don't know how he will take it. that will be awkward. ~sigh~ but i also don't want to rush into anything with my crush, because i know that would be disastrous. He's really sweet. I do actually like him a lot. So strange.

anyway, i'm feelign really good right now, i'm getting less sleep, but waking up earlier and more alert. I think my new diet/lifestyle (eat more veggies, less pasta, and smaller portions, exeersise more) is really doing me a lot of good. I've noticeably lost quite a bit of weight, and i feel healthier and more energetic. It's really good. The funny thing is, i've lost all this weight, or maybe i've just toned a little, but anyway, my legs are smaller, and my tummy, but my stupid boobs won't shrink!! now, i know, i know, i shoudln't complain, but i only have one bra that fits, and i'd like to wear some of my old bras!!! Meh, i'm sure if i keep up the exercise, the shrinkage will follow. teehee. I never really thought i'd want my boobs to get smaller... lol.

anyway, that was probably in the realm of TMI for some people, so now i will run away and do some work.

[Anita Blake]

man, this just keeps getting harder and harder. i've realized that i still really like my now ex-bf, and i know he still really likes me, we've been getting along fine, and i realize that the reason taht i broke up with him wasn't necessarily him, it was just the relationship. It's so tempting when i look at him and see him being sad, it's so tempting to go to him and comfort him, and take him back, and tell him everything will be OK, but i just know that if i do that, it would be worse than tryign to get over it, get over him. it's terrible too this week, ebcause his friends came to visit from far away, and so all 3 of them are sleeping in the living room. i feel terrible about it, like it's all my fault. and then i was spending some time with my crush and i freaked out again, i mean, i just can not smoke weed with him and be alone, it makes me think really weird thoughts, and the tension between him and i is thick thick thick, it's almost unbearable to know that yes, i am free now, but i'm not really free, and the fact that i work with my ex-bf (god, it's so bizarre to call him that!) and people like him, and they like me, and he's probably not going to stay forever, but what would happen if i break up with him, and people find out about it (check, that's happened) but then a week later i take up with a student? I mean, i know it sounds terrible to say that it's more important what people think of me than my feelings (whatever they are) for this guy, but in a way, i think it is. I mean, if all of a sudden people i know and respect see me as this trampy vixen-whore who dumps her perfectly nice boyfriend and takes up with some cocky young guy who's about to graduate... i mean, that's not the kidn of person i am, that's not what it's all about, i mean, yeah, i've had this crush on the guy for a long time, but that's not why i broke up. honestly. but all of the other reasons why i broke up with him are deep-rooted, i mean, it took people really by surprise when they found out, so what does that mean? I mean, it doesn't mean that because people think we shoudl be together that i'm going to do that, but since nobody really understands why i broke up with him, they woudl understand even less when i start seeing someone else right away, especially a student. I mean, that's the kind of complication that would only be in a stupid stupid soap opera. my life is a soap opera. So for the past 2 days i've been more or less avoiding my crush, i've had to talk to him and stuff, but i've avoided being alone with him, because i'm really afraid of what might happen. but then i have to wonder, why am i so afraid? and then i hit my head on the desk because this is all so very very stupid. i mean, really. does it take a genius to see that quite clearly i shoudl avoid both men? no. no, i saw that months ago. i saw months ago that i should just break up, and not see the crush. but then somewhere along the line, my stupid half was like "noooO!!! cute!!! CUTE!!!!" and i was like "la la la la everything is fine", but everything is NOT fine, as a matter of fact, everything is rather fucked up. Because somewhere along the line, i know this, we've transcended the teacher-student relationship and actually become friends, the kind of friends you become when you are interested in eachother as members of the opposite sex. You know how some people say "yeah, guys and girls can be friends", well, that's kind of bullshit. I mean, you can, if one or the other of you have a significant other, but even then, it's kind of difficult. And when neither or you has a significant other, and both of you are attracted to one another, one thign is almost bound to lead to another.

my life is crazy. arg. this week, my head feels like mush. i just want to go to sleep and not think about any of this.

speaking of which, i had the wierdest dream last night about taking the skytrain (like a monorail kinda, in vancouver) and discovering that it stopped in Edmonton (which is a whole province away, probably about a 12 hour drive) in about 20 minutes, and i got to thinking about just taking the sky train to edmonton and then getting someone from calgary (3 hrs from edmonton) to pick me up for christmas. and then this guy started playing with my hair and hugging me, which was weird, but OK, he was getting off at the next stop anyway. actually, i think he was my crush. he didn't look like him, or act like him, but that's who i think it was.

ah. i have to go, my fingers are freakign freezing man!! it's so cold in my lab. not fair. good thing my students all left hours ago. 'cause now i can go home, and i even got some of my other work done. yay!

~dies from exhaustion~

[Anita Blake]

dead eyes looking out from in front of hyper-active thoughts, seeking release, seeking thorugh dead glazed eyes. and you know that you are alive becasue you breathe and you walk and you think you feel, but sometimes it's hard to really know what you feel and what you just want to feel.

it's difficult to walk down the street and wonder what people see when they see you. DO they see you soft and fresh and beautiful, are they blind to the razor wire rippling beneath your skin, scouring you from the inside out, the wire-brush that is your soul? Or do they see that too, and shrink and hide, sad and afraid of you who cannot control your beast, you who will never know the laws of humanity, not really, not truly. Do they see you and pass you by, scenting your strangeness?

So many times, i am not what people think i am. my thoughts and ations surprise those who don't know me, those who think me to be soft and weak and pretty, delicate. But i have never been delicate. Delicate like steel, delicate like razor-sharp diamond gritted sand-paper.

and sometimes i come to the realizion of self-hatred. one c an never be what one wants to be, and one can never be anything but what one is. not even change can change that fact. there is a sorrow within us all, but most of us push it aside most of the time. and then some the times that the sorrow rips through this tender flesh cage.

our emotions in so many ways are so much greater than ourselves. we can be lost in our emotions, we can be dissolved in the flood of outburst.

the scary thing is not knowing whether the things trying to escape is really you, or what your better sense has locked up for good reason.

we are all monsters on the inside. the only difference between me and you is that i know my beast.

[Anita Blake]

spiralling and sinking and twisting and turning, the dreams that haunt my soul are dark and deep. She seeks her freedom from the gilded cage i have put her in, she pecks at my fingers when i come too close, sometimes she draws blood, lapping it up like some monstrous vulture. Oh how she relishes my pain, it makes her strong, her wings can spread, strong, she can feel the bone beneath the muscle, like soft steel surrounding a titanium core. what kind of cage could withstand that torrent of hatred and desire, passion and love.

she will destroy me. she whispers so softly, singing her intentions to me, and in retaliation, in fear, i have thrown away the key. She shrinks back, titanium bones turning to hollow plastic straw, steely muscles turn to jelly, and she hides in a dark corner of her gilded cage, waiting, waiting, and as she shrinks, so too do i grow stronger, so strong i can forget her cage altogether, her voice grows weak and soft and i don't hear her whispered hatred.

she is mine, and i am hers, entwined together for eternity, one being, two halves, two sides, forever opposite, forever against one another, never to be fully joined, never to be set free from eachother.

and which of is is the monster, which of us is the cruel, heartless one? The one who declares her hatred openly, the one who revels in her darkness, who wants to destroy the other, or the one who locks the other up and starves her slowly? i make her weak, i destroy her as surely as she would destroy me, and once i could almost shed a tear for her demise, but now, she is rarely in my thoughts. My beast, my monster, my self.

Have you ever watched yourself die, watched yourself twist the knife in deeper, watch yourself slump down to the ground in shock and despair, knowing that you are weaker than you ever knew, only to rise up feeling strong again. Death is never final, for she is a pheonix, rising from her ashes whenever i suceed in finally destroying her, rising from her ashes strong and powerful and ripe for revenge.

Ours is a cycle birthed in pain and misery, inner torment and overwhelming grief for our own loss. we are what we are, animals and monsters, creatures of darkness and purest light. we seek balance, but sometimes overcompensate, and instead of perfect balance, we find ourselves jumping from one extreme to the next, hiding in the deepest shadows, basking in the purest light.

stroke my beast, soothe her, for she wants out. i want out.

[Anita Blake]

i feel like it is good for me to suffer emotionally. does that seem odd? when i suffer, i feel pain, when i feel pain, i feel alive, when i feel alive, i want to write, when i write, it makes me feel good. Kind of a vicious cycle, really, can't write unless i feel terrible, can't feel terrible unless i don't write. ahh, the irony.

tool keeps me feeling ... the feeling that i need to start thinking and writing. brings out the inner poet, i guess you could say. it's not that i need to suffer, or hurt, just that that's the easiest way to achieve mindnight, a term i coined years ago when i misspelled midnight and realized that yes, mindnight was right after all. it's that time when your mind feels explosive with thought and energy and life, and words flow into it unbidden, when all things seem possible, and at that moment, and only at that moment, are you truly alive and at one with the world. It's about the farthest thing from zen that exists, but yet it's possibly the closest thing as well.

pain, hurt, these things can make mindnight come, just as easily as they can push it away. such a delicate balance. i think mindnight is brought on by the moon. she shines so beautifully, so delicate, touching me with her soft, cold light, illuminating that which was dark. the moon and i go way back. we have a long history together.

i can remember being young, very young, in my early teens, and walking to take my bus to school in the cold winter mornings, and seeing her there, shining at me, watching the stars as they watched me back, feeling the cold wind on my neck, twinning through my hair and holding my head up, up to look at her, the moon, the light that guides through the dark. mischiveous and light, dark and mysterious, she induces so many feelings in me that i cannot begin to describe them all. I feel at one with the moon, as she moves through her cyclical life, so too do I. and we share eachother.

[Anita Blake]

feel like i'm crashing and burning. my desire to edit this piece of shit opera is fading fading gone. i ate pizza for lunch, which is always a mistake. ghetto pizza. $1 per slice. it's a curiosity, you can eat 2 pieces and feel totally full, and yet also feel so strangely hollow and empty at once. i thought i had sworn off the ghetto pizza, but not having $$$ for lunch makes us do things we normally wouldn't. so tired, just want to go home. can't, of course. for some reason i am staying here to watch a movie with my ex?bf and his friends. i put the question mark there because right now it seems like the whole "breaking up" thing didn't happen. it's kind of annoying. i just like to know where i stand with things. if it's over, it's over, there's no going back, at least that's the way i see it. but it feels like there's a certain amount of backdrift. joy. wait, by joy, i mean, man, am i ever tired. i should really stop posting all this crap in my reflections thread.

~runs away to the magical land of the monkeys wearing butler suits~

[Anita Blake]

something something, there's always something. no matter what you do, there's always something trying to prevent you from saying or doing as you please. the mind is not as all powerful as it should be, simply because we don not have proper control over the mind. difficult to know what these thoughts truly are, driven by so many layers and levels of motivation and need. but if one of those layers is true motivation, does that make the other layers less valid? less real. we can think we are purists, for one thing or another, never realizing that we are motivated as much by impurites as anyone else, just that our pure motives are the ones we associate most strongly with.

too tired to explain, really, too much to go through in that line of thought that i am just not prepared for right now. but at least i have recorded this much, in the hopes that i can remember more later, think more clearly later.

curious curious curious.

and all of this............___________....................
is my life

[Anita Blake]

ahh my ex-bf (still getting used to saying it) is gone for 4 days. his friend were here, and they all went to a mountain town for a few days. blessed peace. blessed quiet. thank goodness. i was even really lucky, they left at 5AM this morning, and cleaned up the kitchen and everything. so yay! no dishes to do!! hooray!!!

i dreamt about my crush last night. it was a very realistic dream. i kissed him, knowing that i should wait another month and a half to do it, but i did it anyway. It wasn't a good kiss. I think that was my mind telling me "WAIT!!" i kind of agree with my mind on this one. i want.... but i need to wait. too much badness could occur with not waiting. far too much badness. of course, it gets harder each day to keep flirting with him, but maintain the status quo. kind of like juggling a lot of flaming swords. scary.

i can only hope that someone else would read this and think to themselves: oooohhhh, that's why that girl who was flirting with me but never acting on her flirtations was doing that! i get it now!! it wasn't because she was frigid, it's because she was crazy!!! well, maybe not crazy, but definitely got a lot of stuff on the old noggin. trying to have my cake and eat it too, maybe. don't know. it'll probably all blow up in my face and end in tears, but i guess that's the chance i take. ~shrug~ i'm sure it'll be a fun ride though. it usually is when i start thinking like this. i mean, i know that something is wrong, but then i do it anyway just to see what will happen, even though i ahve already thought out several of the ways it could end. There is a blind spot in my reasoning, in my theoretical endings, though, and that is my ingrained pessimism about relationships and people in general. I can imagine several outcomes if i were to go up to my crush today and kiss him, let him know what's really been going on in my head, and sure, there are a couple of positive possible outcomes, but ultimately, i always believe it will end badly. It's a flaw. i know it, but i can't just so easily change my beliefs. We all believe what we all belive, and there is no escaping that. We might want to belive differently, but wanting isn't the same as believing, so that's that.

well, i hope this has been a fun and enlightening tour through my brain, thank you and good night. i'm sure i'll be back again today. there's never really any escaping that, either.

[Anita Blake]

i have felt this feeling before. i have felt like this before. it is a familiar, yet old and dusty, feeling. This lust makes me feel ... alive. there is no other word for it. keening, wailing desire rising up inside me, howling to be fed, screaming to be let out, and there is nothing to do for it but to bask in the glow of it's warmth and life.

and while my body wakes itself up from it's years-long slumber, my mind, too awakens, feeling dread and sorrow at it's long absence. At least, that is how it feels. As though my mind, my heart, my soul, is returning to me after a long vacation.

[Anita Blake]

edit: on a spree. off-loading the crap.

[Anita Blake]

perhaps we can only really love someone when they don't love us back. When they are not in a position to reveal their love for us. Same difference, really, because either way, you don't know they love you. It's much easier to love like that, from a distance, easier to give away your heart to someone who doesn't know they have it, to someone who can't knowingly crush it. easier to feel another's pain when they don't expect you to.


"will you be my,
be my beloved?
will you help,
help me to get through?
will you be my,
be my destruction?
will you help,
help me to be through?"
-AFI, Ever and A Day

[Anita Blake]

When he looks at me, it's like the world melts for just a split second, and we are the only two people there. So quick, so brief, but that flash sends heat echoing out, spiralling down throughout my body, throughout my mind, warmth that envelops and threatens to knock me senseless. And when he smiles ... it's hard to find the words to describe the light in his dark dark eyes.

To touch him, to discover anew his solidity, the realness of him, his absoulte warmth... and the warmth i cannot emphasize enough, for heat radiates off of him like a steam engine. So casually i thouch him, on the arm, on the back, but no matter how casual i try to be, my fingers betray me, lingering until the last possible moment, savouring that heat. Even now, i can still feel the heat of his cheek pressed against mine in a friendly embrace, an embrace just this side of too tight, a hair too long, a shade too familiar to be merely the hug of friendship.

This is new to me. And even I am surprised to hear myself say that. Always too fast or too slow, this seems to be just right... though i long to taste him, to possess his body with mine, i am almost content to wait for this tension to build up to the breaking point. I feel it nearing, i sense that to rush it would be disastrous, and so i walk away, wondering if he watches me walk, entranced by me as I am by him.

His embrace brings a rush of heat through all of me, comfortable and strangely unfamiliar warmth, like a sensation remembered, but too long since it has been felt.

Why him? a part of me questions, while yet another part smiles knowingly and says, You know why.

Time with him flows like water, time away spent wondering when he will be back again. But always this low, quiet fear: he could not possibly feel this way about me. He will destroy me again. But fear is no bar to my inner will, my inner desire, my inner knowledge: that no matter how many times i am destroyed, i will rise again, that all that matters is relishing this feeling while it lasts, and never, never forgetting it. Live without regrets. Live without fears. Live for this spreading warmth that moves through me like a coiled serpent.

[Anita Blake]

and fire and heat and flame. energy. the force that turns the universe. how much heat do we create?

love, emotion, is power, in a very real way, it fuels us, makes our heart rate increase, heats us up in a very real and physical way, and if heat is enegery, and energy is what makes the universe move, then you really could say that love makes the world go round. in a purely scientific way. well, of course, it would take a lot of love to actually turn the earth, but without love, we are cold, dead, without heat, without energy, and the world, the universe, cannot take that energy from us. We need it. The earth needs it. So go ahead, get angry, get furious, fall in love, feel lust, do whatever it takes to make yourself hot.

Perhaps one day we wil be able to harness the power of emotion, and where will we go then? What grand steps will our civilization make when love is power? For anger produces heat, but it's short-lived, it's quick and burns out too fast, but love.... the heat of love, the heat of lust ... it's a lasting and strong heat, strong power. Love will take us to the stars in an instant, love will allow us to travel the cosmos. Love will give us more than we could ever imagine, if only we give into it, and let it lead us where we need to go.

So now, all at once, remember the feel of someone you love, remember how warm it felt to hear their voice, you mother, your uncle, your lover, your child.... it's all love, it's all warm. If we all feel our love at the same time, the world will glow with the added radiant heat, and the scientists can research it with a smile in their heart, harness the power and make us Great.