Viva de Vivacia

**Vivacia** · July 9th, 2005

Hi. My first Reflections post. Wow. Here I sit waiting for a catagory 3 hurricane to hit and I decide now to do this. I've spent most of today packing my things up and loading them into the car. It so hard to sort through my things and decide what is vital and what is not. There is no gas to be had anywhere in the town. Luckily I filled up before things went crazy. So, I have to take the important stuff and leave the rest, knowing that they may not be here when I get back in a couple of days. My daughters baby pics, important papers, the clothing I can actually wear. Non-perishable food, water, batteries, candles all must come, but the TV, the computer, stereo, dvd player, surround sound system, PS2, Gamebox, my breakable collectibles and my BOOKS have to stay. My books...I could weep. I also have to leave my two cats behind. My mom won't have them in her house and there is nowhere else to take them. They survived Ivan alright, I hope they get through Dennis ok as well. I feel terribly guilty about leaving them, but I have little choice. Time to go now in my loaded car. A feeder band is coming and I have to unload before it hits.

**Vivacia** · July 13th, 2005

As some of you know a few days ago Hurricane Dennis just passed over where I live. I evacuated to my mom's house because it is brick and 20 miles inland from the Gulf of Mexico. We are able to board up the windows and feel fairly safe. My mom is a member of the Church of the Nazarene. In fact, she's extremely involved in her church. She naturally prayed that all would be well for us during the storm. She prayed the house would survive, that we would survive and that the power would not go out. Living here w/o air conditioing is unbearable. When Ivan passed over 10 months ago, my mom's cul de sac and part of the street behind her house did not lose power at all. Damn lucky for us.

We got lucky again this time with Dennis and didn't lost power either. I mentioned how lucky we were not to have lost electricity and my mom and her husband both JUMPED me beacuse " It wasn't LUCK.". Apparently, we kept our electricity and homes and lives because God likes MY mom more than the other 240,000 people here who are suffering w/o electricity. The people who lost their homes and loved ones maybe didn't pray hard enough? Maybe it's because they don't go to HER church. I so don't understand how fairly normal, rational people like my mom and step-dad can think that because they prayed they were spared when so many thousands weren't. ~shakes head and enjoys the air conditioning~

**Vivacia** · July 23rd, 2005

My cousin Lisa died today. She was killed in a freak car accident. She wasn't even IN the car. She lived long enough after to tell the people with her to let her daughter know that she loves her. She was my age and her daughter is the same age as my daughter. I can't go to the funeral because I can't afford it. No money for food, gas, lodging, time missed from work. This sucks. We weren't close after we grew up, but she was family.

Melissa Lorraine Clifton...may she rest in peace.

**Vivacia** · August 14th, 2005

So. After many difficult trials and tribulations I managed to aquire the money to have braces put on my little girls teeth. Having done backflips to do this, I now feel guilty. She's miserable right now. They hurt, she's having trouble eating and her mouth hurts. I know I'm doing what is best for her and that she will thank me later, but damn it's hard to see her hurt. She just started middle school this week too. Poor kid.

On another note, I've been contemplating re-reading a series of books I loved at one time. The War Against the Chtorr by David Gerrold. They are sci-fi and Chrono is the only other person on Earth I know who has even heard of let alone read these books. I did find out that D.G. is working on books 5 and 6. I even found a link to his site where sample chapters are up for reading. I'll post the link here for the one or two ppl who may see this.

War Against the Chtorr site

**Vivacia** · November 1st, 2005

For Navahli

From the silence of your pain I heard my name
and on the wings of light I have come
to see the sadness in your eyes
that cry without tears

Can you see me, I am here
I will always be near you
to calm your shattered heart
and to make you smile at the memories

Do you feel me, perhaps a soft brush of fur
You ache to believe it's real
but you are afraid to hope
You brush away a strand of hair
But it was I, whispering.....

I am only here for but a moment
The silver thread gently quivers
I will leave behind my love in a dream
When you awaken, and without really knowing why

Your heart will know at last
That it is all right, for now
to say good-bye

**Vivacia** · November 20th, 2005

I love satirical websites.

Especially one with headlines like this...

American Injuns the First Terrorists

**Vivacia** · November 30th, 2005

I wonder

I wonder how many of the people in my life truly understand how HARD it is to exsist.

How difficult it is to keep your child fed and clothed.

How hard it is to make the decision to whether buy groceries or to pay the electric bill.

How painful it is to know that christmas is coming and there isn't any money to buy presents for the people I love.

How jealous I am of my boss who says she "has no money" but then buys new furniture, has new tile put down in her house, takes a trip to Aspen to go skiing, while I struggle to pay my bills, have no health insurance and have no prospects of a higher paying job.

How sick I am of listening to people talk about what they bought or where they are going for the Holidays when I can't even buy myself a new pair of shoes to replace the ONE pair I have.

How badly it hurts to know my sister is even worse off than I am and there is not a DAMN thing I can do about it.

How disgusted with I am with myself that I once again have become dependent on a man for a good part of my financial security.

How pissed off I am that my mom, with her Christian soul, gives 400.00 a month to her stupid church while my sis and I struggle each month just to buy groceries.

How my heart breaks every time my sweet daughter tells me about a house she saw for sale and "can we go look at it?" when I have given up hope of EVER owning my own house. When I've given up hope of even being able to rent a house or decent apartment. The prices are just to high.

How scared I am of growing older and how much worse things can get for us. I can barely get by now, how am I going to take care of myself when I am even more physically fucked than I am now. I won't get Medicare until I'm 65.

I wonder if anyone knows...or even cares.

**Vivacia** · December 26th, 2005

My sister posted earlier today that we were raised as Atheists, and to some extent this is true. My parents grew up in poverty and they had religion shoved down their throats their entire lives. You simply had no choice in the matter. When they married and had kids they decided to let us decide for ourselves. my dad had become more and more atheist and my mom was simply non-practicing.

When I was a young child (maybe 5-6 years old), I DID know about God. I had a children's Bible and had read Bible stories ( yes, I was able to read very well by age 5) and my mom sent me to Sunday school. Sunday school didn't go well. Even at that age I had an inquiring mind and I wanted to know. I kept asking my Sunday school teachers questions.

I wanted to know how God could have created the earth and everything in it in just 6 days (and why there were two versions of Creation.)
I wanted to know why God said Adam and Eve would die if they ate from the Tree of Knowledge and why they didn't die after they did.
I wanted to know why God liked Abel's offering but not Cain's offering.
I wanted to know who cain and Abel were married to. Their sisters?
I wanted to know how Noah was able to fit two (or seven) of EVERY animal on the Ark.
I wanted to know why God would kill everyone, including women and babies?
I wanted to know where all the water came from and what the animals and people ate when the water went away.

In short, I wanted to KNOW...to understand, because even at that young age some things just didn't make sense to me.

I asked my Sunday schhol teachers these kinds of questions and I was told that it was in the Bible so it was true and that I asked too many questions. That was it. I shouldn't question God or His teachings.
I asked my mom these questions. She said either she didn't know or that it was in the bible so it was true and that I asked too many questions and should go ask my Dad.

So...I asked my Dad the above questions and HE at least tried to answer them for me. He told me that the Bible was NOT written by God, but that it was written by MEN. These men had been passing down stories for generations because most of them were goatherders and such and couldn't write or read, but that at some point the stories were written down and many people accepted them as turth. He said that they were not meant to be taken literally, but that they were stories, kind of like fairy tales.

At last! An aswer I could undertand. No run arounds, no evasions, but something that made sense.

When I was 11 I was diagnosed with a progressive and debilitating condition with treatment options that may or may not work but that would cause me great pain. If not treated I would be wheelchair bound by my teens and dead by my mid twenties. Needless to say this was scary. My mom said I should pray to God, which I did ferevntly. I read the entire Bible hoping for God to come into my life. I wanted salvation. I wanted healing. I wanted something GREAT to give me hope and comfort. It didn't work. It STILL just never sat right with me no matter how much I begged for God to come into my heart. No matter how much I pledged my heart to Jesus. No matter how many times I prayed for God's Holy Spirit to touch me. I never felt anything. NOTHING.

I spent the next years in and out of orthopedic clinics across the country. I became more and more awed by mathematics and by the natural world. Nature was facinating to me. I became aware of the Universe and our tiny place in it. I came to understand that without Mother Earth and the Sun humankind could not exsist. I found out about other religions and philosophies and I realized that I am not alone in the way I think and feel. I came to have my own beliefs and my own way of viewing the Universe.

So far Wicca has been the most comforting way for me. Pantheism has had a pretty powerful pull on me as well.

I have a much easier time believing in the God and Goddess that represent the balance of the universe, the world as a whole, with no one part complete without the other. I do believe them to be more conceptual than literal. As embodiments of the Universe, I believe that the God and Goddess dwell everywhere and are within everything.They are the energy that drives the Universe. To me this means that while the God and Goddess represent many beautiful and wounderous things, they are also the raging storm, the thundering earth, and the consuming fire and the raginf flood. They are the givers of life and death, because all are part of the natural cycle of life.

I live my life by the Three Fold Law. An ye harm none, do as ye will. To me this ancient religion that my ancestors followed for thousands of years before Christianity is where my heart dwells.

I don't appreciate being called "hard hearted" and being told that "I will be prayed for so that Jesus can come into my life and soften my heart." I just want the freedom to live my life as I wish and not have others beliefs pushed on me or my child.
I can remember being in 4th grade and having a Catholic teacher who asked us what religion we were and how she treated me and another kid differently for saying Protestant and Jewish respectively. I remember being made to pray by this teacher every morning and before lunch whether I wanted to or not. To me it is WRONG for any teacher to make children behave in a way contrary to their own beliefs or lack thereof.

I apologize for the length of this post and thank any who actually read the whole thing.

**Vivacia** · April 16th, 2006

I miss my Grandmother. She died in 2001. I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks because I, once again, started thinking of her and how I never got to say goodbye. She was in the hospital for a week before she died. The doctors couldn't do anything more for her and she told them she wanted to die at home. The doctors let her leave and my Aunt Connie took her home. she walked in the door into the kitchen and collapsed on the floor and died. Just like she wanted...and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I could have called her if I had known she was sick. I could have told her one last time home much I loved her and how much I missed her. But I never got the chance.

If you love someone...TELL THEM. Tell them today. Tell them everyday. Make sure they never forget that you love them now and always.

**Vivacia** · April 25th, 2006

I've decided that I am going to learn to speak Spanish. Why? Because of the huge numbers of hispanics now inhabiting my area? Partly. Mostly just because I want to and because it will look SO good on my resume. I took 2 years of Spanish in Jr. High (though I was high for most of those 3 years) and 2 semesters of Spanish in college, so it should come back to me fairly easily. I stopped and spoke to a neighbor this morning. She is hispanic and I see her waiting for the bus every day. She said that she is going to our local community college to learn English. She said she would be happy to help me with Spanish and I can help her with English. Maybe I'll even make a new friend in the process. Wish me luck!!

**Vivacia** · April 28th, 2006

My little girl has a friend named Nicole. Nicole's father sent her to summer camp last year. This year he has sponsored my daughter to go with his daughter. This means she gets to attend a REAL Summer Camp for a whole week for FREE!! We're talking the real deal. ACA accredited camp with a lake, sports, crafts, cabins and everything. I'm SO happy for my baby. I could never have afforded to do something like this for her, let alone for her and a friend. There are some nice people still left in the world.

**Vivacia** · May 2nd, 2006

My daughter has herself listed as an aethist on her myspace.

A friend sent me this. meagan will be getting a copy tomorrow.

http://www.ethicalatheist.com/docs/t...mandments.html

Ten Commandments of the ethical Aethist

1. Thou SHALT NOT believe all thou art told.
2. Thou SHALT seek knowledge and truth constantly.
3. Thou SHALT educate thy fellow man in the Laws of Science.
4. Thou SHALT NOT forget the atrocities committed in the name of god.
5. Thou SHALT leave valuable contributions for future generations.
6. Thou SHALT live in peace with thy fellow man.
7. Thou SHALT live this one life thou hast to its fullest.
8. Thou SHALT follow a Personal Code of Ethics.
9. Thou SHALT maintain a strict separation between Church and State.
10. Thou SHALT support those who follow these commandments.

**Vivacia** · May 12th, 2006

My daughter is at her aunt and uncle's house this weekend. It's about an hours drive away and its way out in the country. She has 4 cousins that live there. Her aunt has horses (both regular and miniature), golf carts to drive, dogs to play with, and a pond with catfish. They like dogs and have everything from a Great Dane to a Chihuahua. I miss her terribly, but I hope she is having a wonderful time. I let her go on these weekend trips to my ex husbands' relatives because I want her to know what it is like to have some freedom. To play outside til it's full dark. To come inside and have a mom waiting with fried chicken and biscuits for dinner. I want her to catch lightning bugs in a jar. I want her to catch fish and ride horses and lay outside on a blanket for hours and watch the stars to see if they really do make a circle in the sky. I want to be there with her when the realization that there other worlds out there dawns on her. I want her to realize the vastness of the universe and our place in that universe. I want her sleep with the windows open and wake up in the morning with the curtains blowing in a soft breeze. I want her to run and play hide-and-go-seek and not have to worry about who lives two doors down because he may be a BAD PERSON. Most of all, I want to be there with her while she does these things. See, her family has things I can't give her here. Things like outdoors, freedom, and time to just be a kid. There she has people who are like a mom and dad to her. There she has cousins that are like brothers and sisters to her. There she has a huge place to live and acres and acres to run around on. Here she doesn't. Here she has TV and a computer. There there are no other kids on our block to play with. At least, none she will play with. Here we have drug dealers and child molesters and too many lights from all the condos for you to even see the stars. The beach is privately owned now. The people who live there think that they own the sand down to the water and the locals are NOT welcome. I grew up on Air Force bases in Texas and Florida. Military housing is not like the civilian world at all. On an AF base everyone has kids. People who get in trouble get kicked out. Rules must be followed at all times. Having the MP's bring you home was NOT a good thing. It was a safer world there and then. We kids went outside after breakfast and came home long enough to eat lunch, then went back out til dusk. You had to come in when the street lights came on. If your mom called for you and you didn't come running when the lights came on you were in deep trouble. Everyone knew everyone else and you had to listen to your friend's parents like your own or they'd call and tell on you. We'd come home and already be in trouble! I would never dream of letting my daughter run wild outside all day. I would never dream of letting her ride a shuttle bus to Rocky Bayou 10 miles away to go swimming all day, so long as she was home before dark. We didn't have cell phones back then. My daughter goes nowhere without her cell. I know who she is with and where she is all the time. I'm happy that she gets to go visit family now and then and have some freedom to just be a kid. I only wish I were there with her to enjoy it.

**Vivacia** · May 21st, 2006

Today was a good day. We had breakfast at a buffet place this morning. We went to Gulf Breeze to a large flea market where Jimmy bought me little box made of onyx and a small round box made of Junpier wood. I slept for an hour this afternoon, then woke up and went to a friend's house where we swam and lay in the sun. It felt so nice to lay on a big, soft towel with the sun's rays caressing my skin. The water was perfectly clear and was at just the right temperature. People were laughing, food was being grilled and music was playing in the background. I came home and had a shower and put on my comfy clothes. Time now for a movie and some popcorn.

Not a bad day at all.