just one of those days

[Arianna]

a forum for my thoughts.

didn't really want to start this off on a negative note, but, alas, it is frustration that pushes us to things we would not otherwise have done. my head is just too full of thoughts, so i will begin by using this as my pensieve (HP strikes again, just as you thought you had escaped). i will bring things to the forefront of my mind, into enough focus as to be able to form them to words, and hopefully, through this, be able to release them into the world and remove them from that corner of my mind which is currently making my head feel overly heavy. maybe, with this, i will be able to alleviate a little of the stress which has resulted from my over abundance of thoughts and my inability to process them and create a sense of closure.

here goes.

[Arianna]

the most pressing issue at the moment is school. i am scheduled to attend university this fall, in fact, this august 20th. For a period of time, i was quite excited about this decision. out of the 6 colleges which i applied and was accepted to, i chose this. okay, so financial aid actually made the decision for me, and i, being who i am, can NOT see myself as willingly residing in the state of indiana (no offence hoosiers). yet somehow, it seems that is where i will find myself in only a few short weeks. somehow i made myself believe that i would be happy with this (that is another one of my issues, latching on to something for a period of time and then dropping it. another is convincing myself that i will like or dislike something based on my own romanticized ideas without being able to see the truth... but, though deeply part of this problem, that is a thought for a different time).

one of the most important things to me is my diet. i am a strict vegan (lifelong vegetarian, and vegan for about a year now). this lifestyle is based in my moral convictions. i also eat solely (or at least 90%) organic food. i dont really eat out, so mostly i make all of my own food. based on this, i have been trying to get out of the meal plan that is manditory for those living in dorms at my college (as i will be doing) as they will not be able to provide organic food for me. the least meal plan costs 2000 dollars per semester (for 15 meals/wk). that is 2000 dollars that i would much rather spend on my own groceries and making all of my own meals in the dorm's kitchen (which exists). so i have contacted the person in charge of this in an email exchange.

my first letter:

Dear Karla,

My name is ARIANNA and I will be living
as a freshman student at your University this fall. I am writing to
you with regard to my meal plan during my time at school. I am a
lifelong vegan and eat only certified organic and unprocessed foods.
Because of these self imposed restrictions upon my diet, I prepare all
of my own food at home from ingredients which meet my standards. I
have met and spoken with the Aramark chefs who agree that it is not
feasible for me to continue my strict eating practices while
participating in the required meal plan. I am not willing to change
my diet as it was constructed from my moral convictions. During my
time at school, I plan to make regular trips to the grocery and
prepare all of my meals using my own non Teflon cookware in the
residence hall kitchenette and full kitchen. Using the money that
would have gone to the meal plan, I will be able to buy my groceries.
I am aware that the only offered exemption from the meal plan is due
to illness which prevents eating with Aramark. I am not ill, yet I
will not be able to purchase the mandatory plan. I have been told
that you are the only person able to grant such exemptions. I
understand that the concept of the mandatory meal plan for campus
residents is to ensure that the students will not fall into unhealthy
eating patterns. I have been balancing attending school, homework,
extracurricular activities and working with cooking my own meals and
remaining healthy all through high school, and I am confident that I
will be able to continue this while attending your school. Please consider
my proposal and advise me on the necessary procedure to make this a
reality.

Thank you for your time,
MY name/information

her response:

ARIANNA -
I have discussed your email with the staff in ARAMARK, and I believe
that they are willing to work with your needs. I think that they
are prepared to have you meet further with them when you return to
campus. Our residence halls are not designed for students
to be cooking all of their meals in the halls.

At this time, without further input from the ARAMARK staff that they
cannot meet your needs, I am unable to release you from your dining requirement.
I encourage you to speak with the chef and Stacey further when you do come to
campus.

Thank you -
HER name/info

my response, getting more direct and less courteous:

Karla,

I have discussed my dining needs with Stacey during my previous visit
to school for early registration. She and the chef with whom I met,
informed me that there was no possible way for the ARAMARK staff to
purchase food of an entirely organic origin. This is one stipulation
of my diet. This, among other aspects (such as unprocessed food and
all natural with no refined sugar, etc.), creates problems for my
participation in the meal plan. When I left this meeting, I promised
to think about my options to decide which direction I felt would be
best; Stacey assured me that ARAMARK, quite graciously, woud do
everything they could to work with me, but would support me in the
decision that I made based on the information that I shared with her
and one head chef. My decision is to prepare my own meals.

I realize that the kitchens in uni's residence halls were not
designed to accommodate a slew of students preparing all of their own
meals, however, I believe that the dorm kitchens, which I saw while
visiting your school, would be adaquate for my needs and that I would not
create a problem by using them.

If you have any further doubts or questions, please bring them to my
attention, but I assure you that I have thoroughly researched the meal
plan and my other options for food while at uni and have decided
upon the course of action which best suits my needs. I have discussed
this with my parents and have their full support. It would also be
possible for me to get a note from my naturopathic doctor explaining
my physical and pshchological reactions to food which is not within my
diet, if that would be necessary.

Thank you,
ME

her final note (thus far):

Arianna -
Your appeal of my decision will be heard by Irene, the
Dean of Student Life. I will forward your emails to her and
she will get back to you.

thank you -
Karla

(obviously i kept my name and school's name out of these postings, as seen in the places where it says "school" or "uni", etc.)

so this is where it stands right now. my problem is, i don't even know if i want to go there anymore, if i'm blowing the food thing way out of perportion, if i'm just being emotional at this time of the month and will later regrer whatever i chose to do, etc.

i guess my decision is to : if i am granted the exception, go for a year and see what happens, then decide if i want to take a year off, transfer, etc.
and if i am not granted the exception, to strongly consider pulling out my acceptance to the school and taking a year off to "find myself" since i dont even know what i want to study/do with my life.

it got to the point where last night, i spent the evening online researching other schools which might better suit me, despite that i am technically a freshman somewhere (i have made several hundred $'s in non refundable deposits, chosen classes, have a roomie and room, visited campus, etc.) i just don't want to go there if its not what i really want... it is still going to cost my family and i over 14,000 a year. way too expensive for my taste, especially if i don't even know what to study.

but time is running low for me to be making these types of plans. i have about 2 1/2 wks till i need to be there, IF indeed i am actually going.

[Arianna]

also, the store i will be going to is about 10/15 mi's from school (in my estimation, i havent actually measured, but too far to bike, even if i had the time) and i don't have a car. just recently mom has been talking about getting the old car (a honda station wagon... a '91 iirc, which has been broken down and in our drive in the sun for well over a year with a broken transmission, among other things) working again so i could take it to college. it would cost us prolly 2000$ at least to do, and it still wouldn't have a/c (which i can live without) or a functioning radio/cd (which used to work, but then began to get randomly loud TOP VOLUME LOUD or inaudiably quiet while driving, to the point where we cannot listen to it anymore) which i guess i can also live without, but it sucks... not that i would complain, because its much better than nothing (which is what i have right now) adn beggars can't be chosers. plus, its not a bad car, really..

on another note, i have already started to pack my winter clothes into bags which will accompany me to school in the fall (assuming i go).

[Arianna]

okay, i'm really starting to worry about my friends. there used to be a whole group of us who were all cool with eachother, but lately (in fact, for more than a year now) we have grown farther and farther apart. it saddens me.
case in point:

i was going to krystal's house to see her again before she left for ia yesterday (where she's going to be till at least thanksgiving, but i prolly wont see her again till next summer... which is really long compared to how often we normally see eachother). anyway, all was going well, we (me and victoria and lauren) were helping krys pack her stuff, watching saved (which is a hilarious movie in which i want to rape the kid in the wheelchair), having a little to drink, and just hanging out and talking. then the phone starts ringing and both gabe and chris (in the span of about 5 minutes) have been invited to what was "girls night"... not that i really cared, b/c i think gabe was staying the night anyway and i like seeing chris, but it just changed the setup of our night. so then lauren starts getting a little angry b/c she hasn't had cigarettes in a few hrs and its messing with her mind/body. so she wants me to take her to the gas station (she didn't bring her car or id of age) but i said no b/c i had already had a little too much to drink for that and i didn't really want to leave for that... but lauren didn't think she could wait long enough for amberly to get there (she didn't get off work till midnight) which i thought was kinda sad. so the party kinda fractured off into groupings, which i hate. kystal and gabe went upstairs for red wine and another movie, lauren and victoria went outside to sit in a hammok after adding way too much more vodka to their drinks, while chris and i were sitting in the kitchen. Chris has had some events in his life which make him (rightfully so) really uncomfortable with drinking, especially in excess. i always try to be the good friend, so when i heard that he was on his way over, i quit drinking (partly b/c i had to drive home soon too) and so was trying to console him over the fact that he was powerless to stop someone that he used to know so well from becoming someone he couldn't stand to be around. and lauren, knowing full well of chris's feelings on the subject starts badgering him with questions like "you don't mind if i'm drinking, do you?" and "this doesn't bother you, right?" and the like. i'm not sure whether this is because she's drunk or just being her usual uncaring self. it saddens me. i don't mind if she drinks, in fact i had been doing it with her earlier, but not at the expense of her friends adn their feelings. chris was doing his best to keep his cool (and succeeded). finally lauren announced that she and victoria were going to meet her boytoy and she'd be back in a few hrs (in a way to imply after "he's" gone without actually saying it but leaving no doubt that's what she ment). i walked them out to their car and tried to talk some sense into them about what lauren was doing with her friendships but she said she didn't care to be friends with someone who "was acting like her father". then i went inside to talk to chris. we chatted for a few hrs while waiting for amberly to get off work. then we discovered that she was planning to show up stoned (another one of those things that chris cannot deal with) so he left before she got there. so i went up to join krystal and gabe who were packing her stuff. i helped for a while, but then made excuses and left. it didn't make me happy that this was the way our last time together was spent. not that it was really anyone's fault 100%, but no one was really trying to change it, so i gave up. i just really hate dealing with people sometimes... people and their issues. fah.

[Arianna]

wow, busy little while i've been out. i'm now in IN and settled into school... classes start tomorrow. much to say, but, alas, now is not the time. among these, that i was called "bold" for stating (in relevent convo) that i was an athiest, without feeling abashed or hesitent anywhoo, i'm heading back up to the room to get ready for doing more stuff. be back later

[Arianna]

i finally have internet in my room!! (this after weeks of fighting the power that made me put symantic and a whole bunch of other crap on my comp before letting me onto the network. bah. well, i relented, and its done now. so i can be here more often than i have been and more often than i should be.

[Arianna]

sometimes the little things people say and do can make you feel so good.

[Arianna]

i just went to the store today and spent 240 dollars on groceries. i feel so poor now, but hopefully they'll last me more than a week. its kinda sad sometimes b/c that's what i spend the most of my money on in life. now i'm listening to a folkie cd. i guess you could say i'm contented. more or less. too bad i have class in less than an hr and i have to write a program before i go (tis a comp sci class). ah, well.

[Arianna]

its the weekend again but it hardly matters. i don't really mind class, and that and homework don't even take up that much of my time (when i decide to actually do them). now, however, i'm going to sit in my room for a few days with little or no thought to anything productive. most of hte people i know (and can tolerate) here, leave for hte weekend, leaving me to stay in my room in hopes of avoiding hte rest. i'm pretty antisocial... its not that i'm bitter, really, i just prefer being alone to the company of other people most of hte time. i do have homework, but i wont be doing it till tomorrow night, when it gets down to the wire and i have to. i just don't feel like my life is going anywhere, and i do realize that the feeling is about 85% internal and htat i could fix things if i felt like it. but that's the problem, i don't. i feel no inclination to get up and make an effort here. this is why i know that i want to be somewhere else, doing something else. people always say that a college education is necessary to get ahead in life. but the things i find important are not the same as most other people. maybe i don't need college. but that does mean that i need something. i can't just exist like this forever.

i'm pissed at my computer which has done nothing right lately. its been totally fucking up, despite everything i've tried to fix it. i'm starting to lose patience, and that means that soon i'll resort to physical violence... which i'm sure wont solve anything and will probably just make me cry, make my foot hurt and make my computer fuck up even more. i'm just in a really negative mood right now.

[Arianna]

i'm considering moving to Israel or India (or, potentially, one then the ohter) with my friend Ben. i'm fairly positive (92.86%) that i'll be leaving uni at the semester to take some time off. i was planning to move into the vegan coop in austin, but i may have to settle for returning home to the rent's house b/c i'll need to work to save money for moving and i'll need to pay back my student loans (3K ish) as soon as i stop attending uni. i don't think i could manage both of those and paying for rent and food. just not enough hours in the day. so, i'll work somewhere (not sure where yet) from jan-may, adn move in june... or something. keep in mind that this is just a tentative plan. so, obviously, nothing is finalized or set in stone.

my place will still be held here at uni, if i want to come back later. and, if i really do end up going out into the world for a time, i'm sure i can use that as something positive in my admissions (if i change schools upon my return). so, i'm trying to keep as many doors open for the future as possible. which may or may not involve returning to higher education.

i'm just getting sick of america. the people, the society, the government. the destruction caused by our leaders which is met with nothing but apathy from the majority of the people. i'll try not to get off on a rant here.

i also really want to visit (or perhaps study abroad in) australia adn new zealand. but right now i'm just taking it one day at a time.

woo. its the first of oct. today!!

[Arianna]

huge test this morning. i studied all day (pretty much) yesterday, and long into last night. i walked out of hte test feeling ok about it and so glad it was over (damn stressful midterms). then i went and checked up on a few of the ones i hadn't been sure about using hte textbook.. and i got all the ones i looked up wrong. stupid mistakes (and having a good idea, but picking hte wrong of 2 options type thing).

anyways. that's over, so i don't really need to worry about it till i get it back. worrying will do nothing for me. so, today i get a bill in hte mail for the rest of my semester's tuition. it says i owe 2,560 somthing like htat which is due today unless i want to incure massive late fees. i was under the impression i had already paid in full. so i'm really freaked out b/c that's a lot of extra money for hte semester. so i go in search of answers. i get led on a wild goose chase by the stupid administration here. finally i get to a place where i can get a detailed printout of my bill. it says i owe that 2k for my MEAL PLAN. i was like, what the fuck. i'm not on a meal plan (see above page of posts) i already fought like hell to get off it, and now i'm expected to pay for it. hell no. so i go on another long search for hte right place that can take the charges off... and when i get there, the only person who is able to do so, is gone for the day. fah. so, i better get this charge taken off and soon, b/c i can't afford it. and it shouldn't be there.

and, i wasted all my free time between classes trying to work this out, and in doing so, dealing with soooo many stupid people who didn't act like it was their job to help me (which it was).

i made coffee this morning b/c its supposed to help your mental capacity if you use it before a time when you need your brain to be working (this only happens if you're not addicted to it already). so, hopefully that helped me on my midterm. we'll see on tuesday.

and i get thurs and fri off this week... i can't wait. though i'll be spending most of that time working on stuff htat i've put off for too long and can't really afford to put off anymore. hopefully i'll get a little time to read a good book... so i can be finished when GRRM comes here. *can't wait*

[Arianna]

ahh... vacation time is so nice.
yesterday, since i had the day off, i walked to one of my favorite resturants which is like 3 somehting miles from here and along a nice trail too. and the weather was gorgeous too, like mid/low 60's F. i had this really nummy house specialty homemade blackbean 'burger' thing with homemade mushroom gravy over wild rice.. and a delicious side salad. -- yeah, i don't really do it justice, but it was damned good. and then i stayed around for over an hour after i had finished eating, talking to my waiter about my plan to move to israel - and he was thinking about moving to berlin at around the same time, so we were comparing stories and ideas. and then i went over to the little health food store down the road and stood around for a time trying to decide if i needed anything (which would be worth carrying, walking, it all the way home wiht me). so, i ended up leaving with nothing. that's also because i don't have an unlimited supply of money .
so i walk back to the dorm... getting in about 7 o'clock pm... which means i walked the last leg of my journey in the dark. which was great fun. in a half sarcastic way.

i'm thinking of taking a walk again today. perhaps a little shorter, as it's colder out today than it ws yesterday. in the mid 50's F. i'm not used to cold weather, though, its colder in tx than it is here which never happens.. i'm a little worried *cough-global warming-cough* i think i'll strike out the opposite way down the trail i took yesterday and see where i end up. that's the great thing about free days... no worries about being back in time for something. all i have to worry about is getting lost or being really far away when it starts to get dark.
its been a lazy day so far.. after 3 pm and still in my pj pants... they're warm and comfy. its been a nice day for reading. and for lazying around and not doing anything productive. then again, every day is good for that in my book

[Arianna]

Mess
by: Ben Folds 5

There was a time that I had nothing to explain
Oh, this mess I had made
But then things got complicated
My innocence has all but faded
Oh, this mess I have made

And I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made

All the untested virtue
The things I said I'd never do
Least of all to you

I know he's kind and true
I know that he is good to you
He'll never care for you more than I do

But I don't believe in love
And I can't be changed
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess
I have made the same mistakes
Over and over again

There are rooms in this house that I don't Open any more
Dusty books of pictures on the floor

That she will never see
She'll never see that part of me
I want to be for her
What I could never be for you

But I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made


good song

[Arianna]

lately i've been totally obsessing about one food. eating it a lot for several hours/days/whathaveyou and then moving on to another.
last week it was granola in vanilla yogurt.
this week its bagels with hummus and tomato slices. mmm.

so i've decided to travel a bit this weekend. going home with a friend. just kinda hanging out with her. in doing whatever she does for the weekend. that means i have to get some homework done first. all of it, actually. because we will be leaving friday after last class. adn returning monday morning before first class. so i'll be away from my books and computer all weekend, whihc is when i usually do all the work i've stored up by not doing it over the week. that means i have to make time to do said work in the near future.

tonight i'm gonna go to a dance choreography show -- it should be exciting, many styles of dance by students of my uni. i'm starting to regret not continuing dance at uni... watching people's choreography makes me long for the days when i danced myself. but, in everyday activity, i can see what that's done to my knees and have second thoughts about taking it up again. classical ballet, when done for long years, can and will have detrimental effects on the dancer's knees. that's why professional dancers are mostly retired by age 30. if not sooner.
anyhow, then i think i'll go watch a movie with a friend. not sure what yet. appearently neither of us likes to make decisions, so we've put off deciding what to watch till we absolutely have to.

tomorrow i'm going to our uni production. should be good. i know several people who were involved in its production. . . whether on or off stage. i'm looking forward to seeing hteir work.

i hate those days when you wake up and your hair wont do anything its supposed to... you just don't know what to do with it. that was never a problem when it was longer, but now its just too wild sometimes. adn i don't even have the option of braiding it. meh, i can always find something to do with it, i just wish there wsa some button or something you could press that would make your hair do just what you wanted it to.

i have to make my final decision about next semester in about a month... less actually.

and soon its gonna get really cold. i'll have to bundle up since i think i'll catch a chill and get sick if i don't. luckily, though, its still autumn weather out there.

i need to get a new mobile. mine has been purposefully adn maliciously defying me. it will ignore that i have missed calls. sometimes it wont even ring when someone's calling... and i only know tht they did b/c i'll talk to them later and they will have left a message on my phone at that exact time when i was waiting for their call. i just have to take it down to the store (after i find out where that is) and exchange it and buy a new one.

[Arianna]

i left for indy at in the 9pm hour, at which point we should have arrived back here
at around 10:45-11:00 pm. HOWEVER, about 30 mins into our drive, we
came to a stopped line of cars (actually, we were the 4th or so car
back from a HUGE accident. the 4 lane (2 lanes each direction, but
divided, so only affecting our direction) highway was totally
standstill. we sat in the same place long enough to turn off hte car
and watch an entire hour long episode of the OC on sarah's
computer. and then have time left over. 3 ambulences, 2 firetrucks
and a whole hoard of police cars were zooming up the sidelines of the
traffic, which quickly backed up as far as the eye could see, adn then
some. we sat there for well over an hour until they finally got 2
towtrucks up to get the wreckage out of hte way. haven't been able to
find any news as to what happened. but on the bright side, i got to
drive home (and we all know that i'm more comfortable when i'm driving
than when some crazy person i don't know is driving me) and it was
exciting b/c i haven't driven in 2 months or so. and we ended up not
getting home till closer to 1 am. so, i was tired and still had to
shower and do some homework.

i always hate seeing accidents and just hope that all those involved were ok. if i were religious, i would pray. but since i'm not, all i can do is offer positive thoughts.