Feedback & Critique

[jabbernaut]

Forgive me if this has already been done, but...

Here's a thread in which anyone can subject their works-in-progress to ongoing public discussion and feedback.

... so that multiple-post story threads may go uninterrupted by readers' comments.

[jabbernaut]

So... I've been itching to write for the longest time. I decided to just up and start a story tonight. It's based on a vague idea that has popped into mind from time to time for a while now... it's certainly not all planned out and just waiting to be typed... But hopefully it's spontaneous nature will not hurt it but help to make it all the more interesting.

It's called "Village Idiot: The Tale of Dentwit Dunghaul" ... I hope you'll check it out. (And I hope you'll enjoy the humble beginning and look forward to more.)

What stands out to me most so far in the first steps of this endeavor is just how frustratingly SLOW I work. For me right now, the words and phrases definitely do no flow fluidly to the page... it's more like prying them out of granite and mashing them into place. I hope this will improve with practice, because (and maybe this is just psychological on my part) I fear that the less easy the story flows onto the page, the less easy it will flow off of the page.

Perhaps someone could offer me some input on that notion? How did it flow for you in the first reading?

[Apoc]

Well so far in two posts i think you've got a nice introduction but for me i see little hint of direction to where this tale is going, though it does have a feel of being a small piece of concerning hobbits heh the imagery so far for me reminds me of the beggining of fellowship of the ring EE with the dumb looking hobbit picking at his ear...its still early i know but i haven't seen a hook yet that'd keep a readers interest to await the next post...but yeah...still early...nic job duder...glad someones doing some quill writing

[sir archely]

I'm also glad to see someone doing a bit of writing up here. Kudos to you sir.

Just a couple things for right now. One the last paragraph of your first post seems a bit awkward. The first few sentences seem choppy and disjointed, and the last is pretty close to being a run-on. I'm guessing you could clean it up pretty easily for a better flow. Other than that one section i think it flows pretty well for setting up your character and giving him a bit of flesh.

That said, the other thing i'm curious about is to see what the "tale" ends up being with this character. You said that you don't have a plot in mind, but you do have a vague idea for the story. I think it could be tough to deal with such an obviously low-intelligence, low-skill character like Dentwit. A lot of potential for growth, but also a lot of pitfalls for Dentwit to stay in character throughout.

Just a few thoughts, take them as you will. Again, glad to see some writing.

[jabbernaut]

Thanks for reading and for the feedback, guys! It spurs me on.

I did go back and consider the flow of that paragraph you mentioned, arch, and I ended up modifying it for good reason. I originally wrote it with a conscious mind to stray a bit from style. It occurs to me that I tend to write in lengthy and possibly over-embellished sentences and paragraphs. So with putting in the "choppiness" I was just sorta testing the waters of a different style.... but in this case, as you pointed out, it disrupted the flow a bit too much.

Though I do take comfort in some of the paragraphs following, where shorter and more matter-of-fact sentences are used without the effect of disruption. So it does fit where it fits, but where it does not I will do better to avoid it. Thanks for the critique!

As for the tale itself, it will begin to move along as some more characters are brought in soon. My idea is not so vague that I don't have the plot in mind, it's just not fully realized from beginning to end.

The story will keep coming in short pieces like this, as often as I can create them. Expect the next one soon, and again, thanks for reading!

[Apoc]

i think sometimes you try to cram too much into a sentence...i can see why you've put every word in there, i think you just put maybe one or two too many...if that makes any sense...it's like your enforcing the description of things without sayin them simply...heh i think its a good tale your building up to but for me, you have to grab a reader from the get go, no matter the story...it should have a prologue hook...i said earlier it reminded me of the concerning hobbits bit from lotr's so far and thats all well and cool but before that bit we had a prologue about a ring that was gonna bring doom to the world and that one of these hobbits had that ring...that's my only concern so far with your story, i don't really know what story i'm reading and we're now moving onto chapter two...anyways, good job bud, keep it up

[jabbernaut]

Just want to assure folks that I have not abandoned my story. Just been very occupied with other things for a while now. I have, however, been conjuring up more and more ideas for the story in the meantime, so I'm ready to keep it going, I just need the time to sit and write.

that's my only concern so far with your story, i don't really know what story i'm reading and we're now moving onto chapter two

I think one of the disadvantages contributing to this concern is that there's no book cover sporting fancy artwork or giving a description of the story for you to read and say, "Ooh, I think I'll read this" hehe

I know a lot of stories do "dive right in" with some ambiguous elaboration that the reader could not possibly understand straight out of the gate, even naming characters and things as if we're already supposed to know them from birth, usually in some dramatic setting that the reader is just dropped suddenly into... something like this...

"Hardus Gorim raised his face to the red storm clouds as the flaming hail began to fall. His legs were just regaining their feeling, and beside him the young priestess began to weep. Gorim's sharp mind wandered a bit, back to the words of this dying master before the Frogs of Nor descended from the dark hills. "Swords are not fashioned of stone," he had said. Gorim had not known the meaning of this. But now he understood. He understood everything from that night until now. Turning to the priestess, he unsheathed the last of the Nine Daggers and asked, "Shall we begin again?" The priestess bit her lip and gave one slight nod. The roar of encroaching madness shook the trees to their roots. But there was nothing left now for what creatures may wander the paths to Iargathia. There was only hope. The hope of twilight."

I know that's not the best written example, but you get the idea. Some might consider this a "hook" for grabbing the reader from the get-go, but I generally find it a tad annoying. It's like the author coming on too strong. Like, "Hey, let me thrust you into this world I've created where you'll be completely lost unless I and I alone lead you through it!" ... whereas often I'd prefer to feel, as a reader, that I'm progressing with the story and not stumbling around in it. That's why my story starts the way it does, and not... the other way.

But having said all that, I did go back and consider what I've written so far and decided it could be considered a prologue to the actual story... so I've changed it to that, and the next chapter I start will actually be chapter one.

Again, thanks for reading!!

[jabbernaut]

So it's been, like, half a year since I last added anything to "Village Idiot"... until last night, I was just itching to do something creative.

So I started chapter one. Hope you'll give it a read and share your thoughts.

I think I'm getting a bit quicker when I work, which is good because I found my own pace to be frustratingly slow throughout writing the prologue. And I think this discouraged me most from going back to the task for so long... All the while hating myself for not following through on what I've started, AGAIN