Pornography

[Kalle al'Tear]

My kids came home from their dad's house last night.. and told me all about how they watched "Daddy's sexy naked movies" Apparently while up there my 8,7 and 5 year old were looking at porno magazines and movies. My 5 year old can describe how to give a blow job.. and girl on top sex. They are conflicting in that my 5 year old said that daddy watched the movies at night while they were sleeping. They all share one bedroom. (and then the kids watched them during the day when he was out of the room) my oldest swears that he didn't watch them at night.. (but admits to watching it during the day when he was out of the room) I don't quite believe my oldest because she will lie to cover for her dad.. and my youngest will tell the complete truth.


I am livid!! and I feel sick to my stomach. I called Friend of the Court and they are having me file a parenting time complaint form and he will be called into court.. I also called the school counceler so that they would know whats going on since Adria has already talked about people sucking on guys penis' last week. They are talking to Adria today. and then we are going to together call Child Protective Services.

God just when I think I can't hate my Ex more.. Wham!!

[Arianna]

i know people that work(ed) with cps here. and i know that they have told me that children viewing pornography (even through negligence) can be grounds for removal from that parent. with whatever backlogs of complaints you have against their dad, this could be a really good thing for you and your kids (however traumatic it has been for all of you). It may be grounds for supervised, limited or even no visitation for him. at least, in tx that is true (or was 5 yrs ago). i'm not sure if cps is regulated nationally or locally.

*hugs*
i hope everything works out for the best.

[Anita Blake]

wow, Kalle. Looks like that time to sit down and have a sex talk with the kids just got bumped up a few years. I think, if you treat it properly, in the long run, it could be a really good thing for your kids to have that stuff explained to them, about how it's not appropriate, and how that's stuff that adults do sometimes, and how if anyone ever tries any of that with them before they are 18 it's Bad Mojo.

I mean, I guess all kids run into their dad's porn sooner or later, but usually not with dad in the same room, and usually there is some effort to conceal that kind of thing. I know my friend and I found my dad's stack of old magazines when I was 12 (which is a little different from 5!), and when I was a teenager, hitting the "last channel" button would take me to one of the many old-school satellite porn stations, which allow me to assure you, was mainly disturbing in that it provided confirmation that my dad was watching porn. Ew? Super Ew.

But it sure doesn't sound like your ex was trying to conceal or hide his hobby from the kids. Sounds like it's time for supervised visits only!

[dark fuschia]

Call me an idealist but the idea that its acceptable for any man to watch porn is repulsive. The phrase "I guess all kids run into their dads porn" sooner or later is funny but I really hope it's not true. Participating in and contributing to an industry that objectifies and in many cases exploits women is one of the worst examples a father could give to both his male and female children with repercussions that go far beyond making them aware of sexuality.

[Arianna]

call me a man then. because i watch porn.

i don't think that porn necessarily objectifies or exploits women. adults can legally and morally engage in any consensual sexual activity that they enjoy (and/or that makes them money) some women in porn, as in life, are not happy, and i hope that they find the fortune/gumption to change their situations. but some women are quite happy (and/or prosperous) in their stations and i applaud them for it. there is nothing wrong with using your sexuality blah blah blah.. gotta run

[AquaFizz]

My father has this old book from the 70s/80s called, "Making It With Music." I've seen it on the shelf a million times. At some point in middle school I saw it and thought it meant something along the lines of, "How to have sex while listening to music." I was thoroughly discussed and embarrassed. Years later, I realized that's not at ALL what the book was about. And THAT is as close as I've ever come to seeing my dad's collection of porn.

I did, however, walk in on my parents having sex one time. I was, like, seven and that image is permanently burned into my retina. ~shudders~ ...I much prefer thinking that they just prayed for a baby and God sent me to them via a stork.

True Story.

Also-Kalle, your ex gives me the heebie-jeebies.

[Buck]

call me a man then. because i watch porn.
i don't think that porn necessarily objectifies or exploits women. adults can legally and morally engage in any consensual sexual activity that they enjoy (and/or that makes them money) some women in porn, as in life, are not happy, and i hope that they find the fortune/gumption to change their situations. but some women are quite happy (and/or prosperous) in their stations and i applaud them for it. there is nothing wrong with using your sexuality blah blah blah.. gotta run

Yup.

Though, I wouldn't keep that stuff around when kids are around. I vaguely remember finding my brother's stash when I was 6 years old and it landed him deep trouble with my folks when I mouthed out some of the words I read in a magazine over dinner.

[dark fuschia]

Well I respect you all and have no doubt you have thought about the issue and come to your own conclusions, but can't you imagine the detrimental affect upon a young girls image of her body and her perception of what men want, or how it might make a young boy think he should regard a womans sexuality. By accepting porn as a valid aspect of society you are promoting an idea that sexuality is a simple matter of consent when it is in fact one of the most complicated aspects of our humanity. Sex has an immense and complicated affect upon our psyche, in the case of porn whether we are a watcher or a performer. I believe this has many negative follow on affects to our society that aren't even necessarily related to sex. Like our cultures fixation on gratuity over discipline or the current roles and desires of men and women. Maybe you think porn has a positive affect on society, or no affect at all, but please allow me to demonstrate my opinion with a comic.

xkcd

[Kalle al'Tear]

The porn in itself worries me because My kids are young and they shouldn't be exposed to it on a regular basis. What makes me even more worried is the fact that Adria my 8 year old has major issues when it comes to friends. She will take money out of my purse to give to people because they say that if she brings them money they will be her friend, She will give them any of her toys, and do pretty much whatever they want if they will say that they will be her friend. I have been working on this issue with her along with a team of councilors. But what does this new element do for a girl that is so needy to find and keep friends? And who seeks out older friends (male) as a way of replacing the relationship she should have with her dad? (he pretty much ignores them even when they are over)

How soon is it before My little girl is told that if she has sex, or gives a guy a BJ or something along those lines .. someone will be her friend??

It terrifies me.. Because she has gotten the acceptance that that kind of behavior is fine through watching those movies.

I have called and left messages starting from a half hour after they got home on Sunday.. and my Ex still hasn't bothered to call me back to talk about the issue. Heck I don't think he even is sure what the issue is. because I only said I had to talk to him asap about something very very important involving the kids.

[Buck]

Well I respect you all and have no doubt you have thought about the issue and come to your own conclusions, but can't you imagine the detrimental affect upon a young girls image of her body and her perception of what men want, or how it might make a young boy think he should regard a womans sexuality.

Our clearly differing opinions aside, whatever porn does, it does without prejudice to all sexes, fetishes, and sexualities. It's not some little girl hating genre.

Society as whole can be very cruel and heartless on many different levels. I very much doubt that porn is the principle driver. Especially considering how people who have never seen any porn can be just as cruel and heartless to young girls as those that have.


I counter your comic with PA

[dark fuschia]

Well, your the expert Buck

[Buck]

I'm honestly not, it's just that my stance on something like this is no different that any other aspect of life. It's not what you do or say but how you do or say, in my book. A simple example:

Saying something as simple as a hello with a sneer or a sincere warmth are opposite ends of the spectrum. The former is a clear offense and very rude, while the latter is obviously a kind act. And surely there are many, many points in the middle grey area as well. Anyone graced enough to be around me enough knows this, b/c I usually toss out the most brutal insults with a beaming grin in good tongue in cheek fashion when behind close doors. I'd never dream of saying anything really offensive if it wasn't someone close to me and that someone would get that sort of humour.

That's where I'm coming from with this taboo topic.

Depending on how pornography is utilized it can be very devastating (a point you hold, and I do honestly recognize) or it can be perfectly fine. I recognize both ends as well as the intermediates. Plenty of good people out there, who treat people very well and those people do watch porn.

I just think that the douches who treat girls poorly shouldn't have the reason they do it pinned on porn of all things. Put the blame on the parents for not teaching etiquette or manners to them when they were growing up; where it belongs. *nods*

[dark fuschia]

To make myself clear, I don't believe porn is the only contributing factor in the negative aspects of modern life, and I realise nothing in modern life is simple, including the varying spheres of pornography and it's users. What I do mean to suggest is that pornography is a negative force in our world. By force I mean something that has its own momentum, because it is caused by deeper issues in people which it can in turn endorse, creating a cycle which has a notable impact on said people and those around them and creating even more issues; a domino affect in all aspects of life (including the creation of more porn). For instance violence is a similar force. It is also never black and white. Sometimes it is despicable, often it is endemic, just a fact of life, and sometimes a user can even be described as honourable. It also creates more violence, but is it something that we should aspire to and revel in and enjoy? Is it something we should accept as "normal"? I don't think so. I think violence is depressing, a sign of deeper issues which should be addressed rather than humoured. That is how I feel about porn. I just don't think common = acceptable. Porn's common use may have the affect of making people feel better about it, but the common use of knuckle dusters amonst bikies makes it acceptable in their circles too, and that doesn't make it right.

Also I know your not an expert, I was just teasin you, it was naughty of me, forgive me

edit: Just one more thing, please understand I am not just talking about the way some men treat women. I agree, some men are not nice and it's nothing to do with porn. I also don't think women are the primary victims of porn, I think everyone is a victim equally, because I am talking about the wider affects on society, not the idea that some bloke demands a blow job twice a day with his breakfast and dinner. The thing that got me riled up in the first place was the implicit suggestion in Anitas joke that porn is just something that happens in all families. I don't think it does, and if it does, I don't think it should.

[Buck]

Well, I get your stance a little better but still don't agree. While I do recognize that there are definitely "dark energies" that bring nothing but bad to society despite many shades of grey and all, I don't think that porn qualifies as such. It does have constructive uses, marriage counselors recommend married couples use it to spice up a growing stale marriage. I honestly can't see any fault or wrong in something like that. And nothing wrong with either a fresh couple hitting the X section of the vid store.


Not sure how common porn is in households, but I did discover my brother's stash when I was ... 7 or so. Should it have happened? Ideally, no. And my brother did get in a lot of trouble for it. But sooner or later, kids do need to be made aware of the naughty stuff. Oversheltering people leads to lack of maturity and naivety in adulthood.

[jabbernaut]

First off, Kallie... I really feel for you and the kids. Your story turns my stomach, and I'm glad your ex is headed for - what I hope will be - severe and appropriate repercussions.

Secondly... Wendy, if I didn't have to spread some rep around, I'd be slathering you with it.

To be completely forthright, I've struggled with an porn addiction (yes, it's a real thing) since my early twenties, and I know what kind of damage it can do to an individual's mind and soul. (And now that I'm married, I'm learning even more in fresh new ways.) And what is so frightening to me is how, in today's society, porn is no longer just a stack of dirty magazines in the back of daddy's closet... it is frickin' everywhere! And it has dulled us and numbed us toward things that, when handled so flippantly, can do incredible damage.... within ourselves, and within our families.