...shades of grey...

[night faerie]

why do I always start these things on a dark note? Meh, I'm the nightfairy, I'm entitled, right? Geez, what a bitch. Full of myself. On the other hand, why the hell not?

ok so my thing is this: who the hell am I supposed to trust, and just how far?
I just cant... I dont know, in most ways, I'm an open book. I tend not to think before I speak, I dont shy away from intimate questions or conversations, I am who I am. I tend to like people right off, I tend to trust people I like, and I dont tend to censor myself unless I've been betrayed. If something bothers me, I tend to be confrontational. Mostly because I've found a direct route right at the focal point of the issue clears things up quickest, one way or another. I tend to get really involved with things in a mental capacity, and not to get involved with much on an emotional level.

So yeah, so sometimes people betray me. But if it's my friend, I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. As a matter of fact, I can hardly NOT give them chance after chance. Chance to give me lipservice, but not complete honesty. Chance to push me away. Chance to take a little piece of my heart, a little piece of my pride. At this point, I begin to hate myself. Because I am a strong person, I am NOT a doormat. But I value friendship above all else, and I cannot bring myself to let that go, to throw that away. I am NOT afraid of a fight, I am NOT afraid to face the truth. But if someone else holds honesty from me, I am powerless.

Sometimes the best I can do is to remove myself from the situation, just stop trying. At least it gives me a tiny grain of integrity, I'm no longer reaching out, and having my hand slapped away. But I cant turn off my heart. Try as I might. I cant just get angry. I turn my anger only on myself, and then I'm no good to anyone. And I cant turn off the hurt. It's so hard for me to feel anything for anyone, once you're in there, you stay. I wont let that go. If I let myself get any colder, I'll just freeze.

[night faerie]

~sigh~
ok I heard some bad news today. A girl I used to work very closely with, for like 5 years, was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of stomach cancer. She's 2 years older than me, and has 3 very young children. She just had her 3rd child a few weeks ago.

Altho I havent spoken to her in the past year or so, as people drift when they no longer work together, I still love her and am just.... oh, its just terrible, I feel like my skin is crawling these things are so wrong when they happen to certain people. I was told by her aunt that there is not a good prognosis, and she's going for some special treatments, as well as chemo, but her spirits are good.

I'd just like to ask a favor of everyone here who has that special Faith, please send a special prayer, or some healing vibes out to my friend, Christine. Altho my own beliefs may differ from most peoples, I do believe in the power of "prayer" and any sorts of positive vibes in general. Thanks so much to anyone who is willing to send a little moment of strength or healing. ~hugs everyone~

[night faerie]

OMG! I just love autumn! Apples! I like apples. I just melted some caramel (6-7 squares + a teaspoon of water in the microwave for 30 seconds, then stir) and am eating caramel coated apple slices. OMG YUM!! and it smells all crisp and toasted outside. Like even tho the leaves havent turned yet, I can smell it in the wind. I love the changing of the seasons. Like the baton being passed from quarter to quarter. Each just in time, just as you're ready to move into something new. Or to move on from something outmoded. I enjoy change. Stagnation bites.

[night faerie]

whoa! what was I thinking? make that like a half a teaspoon water for 6-7 caramels. maybe even a little less.

You know the one thing that I dont like about autumn? It makes me want horses. and maybe a farm or something. a cabin in the woods. ~sigh~

~muches apple~

[night faerie]

lol, you know, I read some of your posts in Deep Thoughts or in your Reflections, and I remember when I was young and had such deep interest in things. When it was all I ever wanted to do to read and read and read and observe everything and plunge my brain as far into philosophy, psychology, sociology, anthropology, geology, etc etc as deep as I could. To test my own brain and see how far it would go.

Now that I'm older I just dont have as much mental energy. Or the attention span. I try sometimes but I have to have the time and inclination. I skim things much more than I ever would have when I was young. I wonder if this is normal or if its just me. How many things I wonder, is it like this for everyone or is it just me?

Why does it bother me so much, getting older? As a teenager, I felt just right. I felt like I fit in my skin, in my mind, in my enviornment. As I've gone further away from that time, I've found myself feeling more and more out of sorts, my body doesnt respond to things the way it "should" (the way it used to), my mental capacity, forget it, I think too much and constantly have to remind myself to feel my instincts and not to overthink my decisions. I dont reflect enough, I dont look deep enough. I forget things. My enviornment, geez, I spend so much of my life at work it confounds me. My LIFE waits on hold until 5pm, FIVE DAYS a week. It's absurd. I have to fit my life into the schedule of my work.

~sigh~ It probably is like this to some extent, for everyone. But I do let the number get to me. I glare at it, I spit on it, I resent it. I tell myself its just a number, it doesnt matter. But then I let it matter.

As always, I am my own worst enemy.

[night faerie]

k I'm really sorry about not being around this week, its been... well, its been another one of those weeks.

Monday was crazy hectic, worked late, then lots of laundry.
Tuesday was work then a surprize 30th birthday party for one of my best friends.
Wednesday I spent too much time looking at flights from here to San Diego for Thanksgiving, before deciding spontaneously to stop thinking about it, and I just booked a flight. (see you soon, Tatum And you too, Amelia, if you're around ) THEN it took me till about 12:30 to catch up on the MB here.
Tonight of course was bar-after-work night, then I came home & watched ER and then had to make cookies cause tomorrow is a coworkers birthday.
Tomorrow right after work I have to go to a wedding, and Saturday, am having some of the girls from work come over to bake and get high.

Lots of fun, but I'm neglecting you a bit, so I am sorry about that.

~hugs to all and to all a goodnight~

[night faerie]

kay kids, I'm off to California tomorrow I'm rather excited about the flight, I enjoy flying. Six whole hours where I dont have to do anything? NICE I have a couple of books, a couple of CDs, my journal, and I'll nap a bit, too. It'll be fun. And I'll be back Sunday eve, my flight lands at midnight. I love flying over NY at night, the lights are gorgeous! I'll try to check in when I can, and of course I'll miss you guys. ~hugs to all~

~wanders off to pack~

[night faerie]

isnt it funny, how life brings you back, full circle? I have been here before, its quite odd, it was a turning point, it was home. Was. ~sigh~ I have been here before, and I left. However, finding myself here again, I must wonder, is my time here not complete? Was there more, I was supposed to realize? to accomplish? Answers, always seeking answers where there are none.

Answers, who really has them? We all seek, we all are denied. You'd think we'd learn not to ask.

Its too fragile, its too fractal, its too frantic. Life. One life, an ecocosm, it doesnt matter, its all the same. Heh. It IS all the same. None of it matters, really. You'll be who you are. If you're lucky, if you're good. Past that, it doesnt matter a whit. Scary shit.

[night faerie]

just got in. I do love flying over NY at night. The lights look like glittery golden rivers, its incredible. Flickering, Alive. Then, as you descend, it looks like billions of candles burning, kind of like that old thing about leaving a candle in the window, it welcomes me home. Ah, to sleep in my own bed... bliss!

[night faerie]

Holidays. It's like this every year.

It's not that my family doesnt think much about me, its that my family doesnt think about me much.

~sigh~ I let it mean more to me than is reasonably healthy. I'd have cut them all off long ago out of spite if it werent for the next generation, up and coming. Cut THEM off and its me who loses. Hell, I'm lost anyway, who am I kidding, heh.

Still, I try to hard and I set myself up for disappointment. I'll buy too much, I'll bake too much, I'll spend way too much time being sure I'm wearing the perfect thing, my makeup's just right. And for what? Meh. I'll drive home feeling empty, and weary and melancholy.

Holidays. It's like this every year.

[night faerie]

its late again, 3:30am, and I dont wanna go to bed. ~pouts~ I have work tomorrow, and a busy week, with Mesaana & co. coming to visit and work and New Years and all. And yet, here I sit.

Night is good.
Night is comfort in cold shadows.
Night is darkness, sillhouetted in stars.
Night is when my kindred convene.
Night is when they lift their voices, proclaim themselves to the universe,
when they dance to their own heartbeat, and find themselves free.
Night is me.

[night faerie]

I always feel a little especially lonely when my friends go home.
We all had a wonderful time, I think you should all come to NY for New Years from now on.
Anyway, I miss you guys. ~sigh~
~hugs pillow~

[night faerie]

still feeling the last remnants of alcohol tonight. Again, I sit, quarter to 7 am, not wanting sleep. I want. I want something, more. Something bigger. Something meaningful.

~smiles to self, in thought~ you know, I am blessed to know you guys. I really am. Home is only as good as those who welcome you, and you always make me feel welcome. Even when I dont have time to spend, to post, to keep up with things. I see who is around, who's been around, and I feel warmed. Less alone in this absurd world. Anyway, I ramble, but what I really mean is thanks.

Perhaps someday, I will find a way to contribute. To leave this world a little more resonant, a little richer, a little more beautiful, than it was before I entered. Maybe not, but I hope so. So many, many people come and go, and you and I, we do not know. We do not see, we do not feel their contributions. Still, I hope.

There is a painting hanging over my desk. It is a dark and moody rendering of a rainy day, a street with trees that have withering leaves and gaslamps; a single cart selling something to a few faceless people. It is beautiful, wistful, nostalgic, full of promise and anonymity. I took it when my parents moved out of state. I dont know who created it, but whoever did lives on, every time someone gazes at this painting, unable to look away, caught in that moment, in that pregnant promise.

[night faerie]

I never liked my hands. Always thought they were too short and stubby and wide. For some reason, lately, I find that with my nails all even, and without my rings, they're not so bad. Almost even girly.

My face has always opened doors. Hell, my face has been known to blow doors off their hinges. I never really felt connected to it, tho. I've always felt connected to the power; but when I catch myself in the mirror I think hmmm.... I dont really look like that, do I? I've always felt dark, but my features are very fair. I feel like my hair is blue black, my cheekbones are higher, my nose smaller, my eyes bigger, and so dark you can barely see the brown in them. It's a bizarre detachment, one I've never been able to fully explain.

Eyes are the windows to the soul, huh? Well, my windows are fogged. Sometimes I look into myself, in the mirror, inward, and even I cant see past the ice.

Image is everything, anyway. There are days when I just want to fade into the woodwork. I turn my light on low, and then hide it within a dark jacket, and people dont notice me. When I feel unworthy, I am ignored, or scorned. When I am ON, I can do anything. Heh, you can ask anyone who's met me irl, I can do Anything. Doesnt matter if you believe me or not, its true.

I used to be singleminded in my image of myself. Of the person I wanted to be, the me I presented to the world. Now, I want too much. I want to be too many things, and often these things conflict. And sometimes, I falter. I'm not sure which persona to put on in situations. And I dont care as much about what others see in me. So often, I just wing it. I live a little off the cuff. Dont think about myself all that much. Which is fine in individual situations, but within Me, it sometimes causes confusion. When I take the time to think about who I am now, I'm just not sure.

Is a person the sum of his/her actions?
his/her desires?
his/her aspirations?
his/her emotion?
his/her intellect?

If part of me wants to have a family, a garden, a house full of animals and wild children, but part of me wants to travel the world, write my memoirs, live a wild life myself and spend my winter years in solitude and seclusion, and die quiet and alone, who am I?

[night faerie]

I think the way one wants to die maybe says a lot about them.

I've always thought I'd like to outlive my friends. I hate the thought of losing them, but would never dream of leaving them.