Home is where my car is...

[AquaFizz]

Look at that. I didn't use lyrics after all!

Of course, I thought about it. I thought of using "I have just begin" from "Long Journey" by Sarah Jarosz. But, eh. Another option by Sarah Jarosz was "This bird flies high with a song up in her head." While it is 100% accurate (I do forever have a song in my head and it does seem to propel me upward), it was also quite long winded for a title. There were about a million references to Joni Mitchell's album, "Blue," too. From "Teach my feet to fly" (River) to "Little Green have a happy ending" (Little Green) and "Strung out on another man" (California). I even contemplated the line, "Giving up the ghost," too. Then this one hit me the other day and I thought it was fitting.

It's both true and untrue for me. In the last year, I feel like I've spent more time in my car than anywhere else. It's a situation that I'm happy with, of course. I love driving down the highway in the sun or being curled up in the passenger's seat as the rain pounds down on the roof while I park at a rest stop. I've always got music at my fingertips and my cellphone within reach-making loved ones easily in contact, no matter how far I roll. Lately, nothing has called to me more than getting in my car and just...driving. I feel at home in my car and on the road.

Of course, there is another place that will always feel more like home and that's the farm where I grew up. The other day, we were driving out to our old neighbor's farm to pick up some apples, peaches and corn. I almost wrecked the car when I saw the "for sale" sign stuck out in the front yard of the farm. Of course, it's not really a farm, anymore. Our apple orchard is gone and so are all the animals. Of the 100 acres that was deeded to my family by George Washington (yup.) and of the 14 acres that was still remaining when my grandmother sold the farm in 1992, only 1.7 of it is all that's really left. Just the house, the front yard (where the apple orchard was) and the back yard where the two pole barns are (one was for farm stuff and the other was where my grandfather ran his carpenter business). The big front field, where my pony (and before that my mom's horse and their herd of cows) used to roam, has been split in two. The closest neighbors own the far side of the field and the side closest to the house is still for sale. The back field, where we used to have tons and tons of corn that I used to wander through with my grandfather...it's been gone for a long time. Three massive houses with huge yards sit in our corn field. So, it's not really "the farm." But its the house my grandfather built with his own hands (including two or three huge rugs STILL inside that my grandpa actually made) and the last bit of land that had been in our family for over two centuries. I always thought that by the time it was up for sale, that I'd have a steady job and somehow be able to afford to buy it myself. Part of me still hopes that whoever moves there next will be old or just not a family that believes in "forever" homes and that some day, I'll live in that house, again. There's a Miranda Lambert song called, "The House That Built Me" and the first few times I heard it, I sobbed my brains out. It accurately describes my feelings for the farm. I will always call it "home"-even if I don't live there. So, in a way, my title is a bit facetious, too.

Home is where my car is because the only real home I want is one that I can't have.

So, here we go. A new, fresh place for me to document my life. Tomorrow(ish), I'll introduce you to the various people that like to call "shot gun." /lameness

[AquaFizz]

This was supposed to happen days ago, I know. I apologize-I'm sure you were all waiting with baited breath for my next post. I've been out and about for a few days. Now that I'm home and have tons of homework to work on, it seems like the absolute perfect time for me to introduce you to the cast of characters you'll come across on here. Ready?

First. Me. To prove to you that I wasn't joking with the Draco Malfoy references, I thought I'd share a new-ish picture. This is actually probably one of my favorite pictures of me, as it shows an acurate summation of myself. I'm at my desk, on my computer, there's a cup full of green pens and I'm trying to keep from bursting out laughing. I'm not even sure what I was laughing at, honestly. But, yeah...

MeDesk.JPG

~shrug~

Then, there's everyone else...

My Mom-She still sick. I still love her and worry about her often. She's the best friend a girl could have.

My Dad-No matter how much I age, I still can't stand him or deal with him. I still know that once my mom is gone, I will probably walk away from him and never look back.

Rach/R- One of my best friends. I met her at my first M&S gig. She's my roadtrip buddy. I don't see her much because she lives a few hours away. She's incredibly sheltered and seems to be in a constant state of shock over the things that come out of my mouth.

Kris/K-R's sister. Met her at my first M&S gig, too. I don't see her as much as I see R, but when we do hang out, it's always fun.

IB- Invisible Boyfriend- I don't see him much. He's on the road more than I am and isn't from here. Hence, his invisibility. When he's not invisible, he's rather cute and far from silent. The whole thing seems a bit abnormal and fairly unhealthy from the outside, but it works for us for now. I suppose when it doesn't, we'll go about finding people that can be more present in our lives. Until then, it's fun when while it's happening and in no way smothering when it's not.

Chrissy/C/Xtina- My best friend since 8th grade. She's the mom of two of the cutest kids I know. She lives in Chicago and I see her whenever I go-Which isn't as often as I'd like. She's one of my only girl friends who I can be 100% myself and not feel like I'm either A) shocking her or B) there solely for her amusement. She's crazy enough not to look at me as dinner entertainment. When we're together, no one else exists. Unless they're hot...or serving alcohol.

S/SD- She was one of my bridesmaids. She wasn't at all sheltered, but she's very calm and sort of timid, so she's usually in some sort of state of shock or amusement over the things I say, too. She's probably my closest friend. Despite living in the same city, we do most of our bonding via google chat. She's a great artist.

J & P- My Nashville Friends- I met them at a gig in Nashville and immediately knew I loved them. They're just girly and fun to be around. I know other people who frequent Nashville and hang out with them when we're both there at the same time, but these two are the only ones I know who live there. I know that if/when I move to Nashville, they will be the people I hang out with the most.

L & B- Other gig friends- I think I met them in Indiana. They're from Kentucky, though, and are two of the wildest people I've ever met. They are forever drunk and always hysterical. Whenever I'm heading south for a concert, I always see if they are going or want to come.

Keeper/CRA- He's almost like another invisible boyfriend, except that I NEVER see him. He's kind of an ass. But, he's the first boy to ever give me flowers, so we're stuck with each other. Also, he's my hero. But, don't ever tell him I said that.

Niko, David/D/MCD & Bacon/Scott- They've been my boys for as long as I can remember. They're irreplaceable, unforgettable and absolutely, undeniably three of the loves of my life. When you hear about them, it will most likely have to do with us arguing...we've been doing it since we were 12.

You- In the past, I've written whole entries addressed to "you." "You" is usually just whomever I'm annoyed with, mad at, broken-hearted because of, or just someone I need to say something to but don't have the heart to do it for real. "You" may sometimes be someone or everyone on here-though, if it's a singular person, I think I've usually used their names. "You" from time to time may also be myself-sometimes I need a pep talk or to be put in my place.

Other random initials or names-Are probably either co-workers, classmates or band members. Lately, more and more people have taken to liking and gossiping about some of my friends/acquaintances. I want to be able to document my life here and tell you about my fun. But I also feel the overly paranoid need to protect them. I'll do my best to at least distinguish between categories, so as not to make you think I'm getting wasted and playing banjo with a co-worker (that would be far too awesome to ever happen). If you actually read this and are dying of curiosity to know who it is I'm referring to, you can always shoot me a message.

So, there's my little circle.

And me...as a blonde. More to come...eventually.

[AquaFizz]

First things first! My birthday is in less than a month and I want one of these bags. I think I like the Innovator, the Uni bag, the Explorer or the Orion best. (Probably in that order.) There was really no reason to tell you this, other than I've been swooning over them for a couple days. I've been wanting one for awhile...even before the show. I have a bag similar to the Orion that is from a travel agency, but I always wanted one from an actual airline. When I went on my road trip back in the fall, it was my scarves/gloves/hats bag. I took a lot of slack for that. ...I like winter accessories. Otherwise, I'm a fairly light packer. Honest.

Next up, I just wanted everyone to know that last Tuesday, I came home with a stack of CDs to review. At this point, I've written some general notes, but not really written anything useful. It's the first time I'll be turning something in on a professional level, so I think I'm just super freaked out. I don't want to say the wrong thing. Also, I've been in a near constant state of homeworking since then, too. Or staring gloomily at the wall.

Je suis morte à l'intérieur.
Fizz

[AquaFizz]

Momentous occasion!

I think I can officially say I'm a journalist! I have my very first official clip! Granted, it's only for a concert preview that I scraped together in about an hour (that seems really long...and it is. But I was getting some background info and then trying to proof it myself). But, still! I also have two travel pieces on the table for an online magazine that should be up in the coming months. Plus, an album review next week and two more concert previews the week after. They accidentally switched the "e" and "i" in my name, but I'm trying not to let that bring me down.

Check it out! Misfits Preview

[AquaFizz]

Today is the first time I've felt mostly good in weeks. I went for about two straight weeks with a head ache. Sometimes it was dull. Other times it progressed into a migraine. Then, a couple times that migraine progressed to me hugging the toilet all night. All I wanted to do was sleep. I litr'ally skipped 4 out of 6 of my last Brit Lit classes. I've been a hot mess.

I'm pretty sure I had/have a bug, but I also think I've just been down. I usually love Fall, but this one has been more grey and rainy than ever before. Plus, my social calendar has been replaced almost entirely with a homework calendar. Meh. I'm heading to Nashville this weekend. That will be exciting. But as soon as I have money again, I'm going to buy a bottle of D vitamins. I've never had seasonal depression before and it's possible that's not what it is-but it certainly can't hurt. I've got to find something to perk me up and get me through the next few months.

I've also started looking for possible jobs for once I graduate. (I've been doing that instead of homework. Like a winner. Whatever, most of my shit still gets done. I just don't, you know, show up for classes.) As far as writing, so far I've got about half a dozen places in various parts of Colorado and one or two in Nashville. I'd like to find a couple more in Nashville and Chicago. Then one or two more each in Philly, Atlanta (I guess. Ugh.), Cleveland and somewhere-in-Texas. I will also probably hit a few bigger magazines, just for fun, in New York and California...but I won't really hold my breath. I'm also going to probably send my resume to some record labels in Nashville (almost entirely) and New York so as to possibly land a PR position. Last, I'm collecting a few book publishes that I would consider working for...nothing too pretentious. Mostly kid/YA stuff...because that's what I know best. Who knows where I'll end up. Just, you know, hopefully somewhere cool...and with enough money to still be able to fly home semi-regularly. I love my mom, after all.

Oh. And I'm contemplating doing AmeriCorps. I mean, really. Why not?

Keeping with the "Why not?" theme, this (as of a few hours ago) has become my theme song...

When My Time Comes-Dawes (Hey. Why can't I put the video here?)

[AquaFizz]

Because I can't give you rep and it was easier to post than private message you...

Eyre! WTF was that?! You've completely cracked me up. I'm not sure why, exactly, but your dropping the word "penis" was incredibly amusing to me.

Gracias, Friend.

[AquaFizz]

New profile picture. Me & Pete. It's probably my favorite. His hair is just too awesome there. Mine is...still blonde.

Football game tomorrow with a lot of relatives. I'm only excited to hang out with my Uncle Mike. Hung out with all of them for dinner tonight. ...eh.

[AquaFizz]

I saw the following quote on Tumblr, "It's not that I hate you. But if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I'd drink it." I smiled and thought, "Accurate." I'm not sure what that says about me.

In other news, for awhile now I've been under the impression that love is never balanced. I've believed, based on my admittedly limited experience in the matter, that someone always loves someone else at least slightly more. My theory has been tested recently (I think on purpose). Not that I'm in love. Just that I think I currently give the exact same about of fucks about someone as that someone gives about me.

I realize that I put that in sort of haphazard and possibly snarky terms. As most of the time when one refers to fucks being given, it's usually because there are a lack of them. To be clear, in this case, there are a decent amount. Not an overwhelming amount. You couldn't fill a school bus-That would be love. But, if you could fill a school bus with the amount of fucks you gives for a husband or wife, a 14-passenger van with the ones you give for your family, a hatchback with the ones devoted to a friend (or in my case, a song) and a refridgerator box with the amount of fucks you give for a song (or in my case, a friend)... Then, I'd say we could load up the back of a pick-up truck. And, well, I rather like that amount.

PS-I've written all kinds of shit lately. AND, I got a conservative heckler! ME! I was called "too liberal!" WTactualF?!

[AquaFizz]

"My boy builds coffins
and I think it's a shame
That when each one's been made
He can't see it again."
-Florence + The Machine

I like that part. It reminds me of how we all live with this weird desire to leave our mark on the earth. We all constantly look for proof of a worthwhile existence. We look for some sort of sign of our permanence. We try so hard to do good. We recycle. We feed strays. We teach our children well. We write letters, poems, songs, fiction, and epitaphs. We cross our fingers and hope they last. Some immediately disappear. Some last a little while and then fade from existence about the same time they fade from our own memories. Some last for one more generation and some last for hundreds. What makes permanence so important? What makes the knowledge or insight gained from Shakespeare or Dickens more important than the knowledge one might gain from Chabon?

"He crafts every one with love and with care
Then it's thrown in the ground, it just isn't fair."

If all copies of a book burn from existence, were those words ever written? If a person dies and leaves no grand evidence of their existence, was their existence still worthwhile?

Someday I imagine that most, if not all, of my writing will disappear. My blogs will get lost in the depths of the internet, my articles will make their ways to recycling centers and my future novels will stop being published, perhaps while I'm still alive. I still wrote them, though. And writing them changed me. Personally, that's all I think should matter.

As long as what you're doing changes you, teaches you, inspires you, or pays your bills so you can do whatever it is that does change, teach or inspire you... who gives a fuck about anyone else?

Not me. Bury my stuff in the ground. Living it once (even the good stuff) was enough.

[AquaFizz]

Someone just made Kid A the best album ever.

It's sensory recall. You know, things are said or things happen during a certain song or album. From then on, every time you hear that album, you think of those things. I love that. And I didn't really have that with any Radiohead songs. I mean, when I hear "Creep" I remember that Keeper loves that song. This is different. Way better.

This is my marker.

That just happened.

(YOU! Heads out of the gutter.)

[AquaFizz]

It's always reassuring when you find out you're not a complete failure.

The last two weeks have been rough. Really rough. The cat is sick as hell with no signs of improvement, money is tight so I didn't get to buy the Christmas gifts I wanted to (actually, I've hardly bought any) and French has continued to be a disaster. My advisor even told me that I may actually have to take somewhere between one and three French classes over the summer before I can graduate. As in, Even though I suck at the language, I'll be taking a whole year of it in nine weeks. Lord, help me now!

Then, a couple days ago I turned in a new blog to the magazine. (This one.) It's about cellphone use at concerts to take pictures and videos, as well as communicate. I knew it was pretty good, albeit long-winded, slightly ranty and with of touch of fangirling. My music editor said he "loved" it and immediately posted it. The next day, before heading out to fail my French exam, I checked my email. My music editor had replied to my previous email about the year-end countdowns I sent him and told me that I'd be covering both the Civil Wars AND Ryan Adams concerts early next year. I was stoked. Then I realized I had a second email from him, letting me know that I had received more comments than most blogs get and triple the average views. Me! An intern!

By the time I came home, I also had an email from my associate editor telling me how one of her facebook friends had actually shared my article on his profile.

I may never fully understand when to use passe compose and when to use imparfait. I KNOW that I will never be able to pick out a direct or indirect object (in French or in English) so that I can replace it with the proper pronoun. But, I can probably write circles around that professor.

[AquaFizz]

So, I sent my resume to my editor and asked that he consider me for a full-time writing job that is currently available. It's a looooong shot, especially considering the fact that until June I certainly can't actually be in the office 40 hours a week. But, I told him that because of that, I'd be willing to work cheap. I also reminded him of the piece that got all the attention and did my best to be witty. It seems like I'm doing well there. He stopped by my desk the other day and chatted for a few minutes and introduced me to a few people. Later, he even complimented me on my year-end round up. But, again, I can't commit as much in-office time as they were probably hoping for and there's a chance that I'm grossly under-qualified. Still. I need a job...and it's a good job at a good place. We'll see.

In other news, 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover (The G. Love version) has recently become my song. I'm not sure anyone, including myself, could possibly understand what prompted my recent decision to hop on the bus, Gus. And that's all I'll say about that.

~shrug~

[AquaFizz]

Aw, shuck. Thanks. I like the blonde. There was a moment two weeks ago where I decided I wanted to be a red-head again. Clearly my hair didn't take to that idea because the red dye lasted for less than a week and now I'm Malfoy-ish, again. I've actually got another bottle in my bathroom that I should probably be putting on right now.

I should probably change that picture, though. Seems untimely. Maybe another day. When I feel more final...or more attractive.

I should also probably do some sort of New Year post. Here goes...

Things I'll miss about 2011: Nothing. Okay, well...maybe one thing.

New Years Resolution: Run, bitch! Also, write, proof-read and study, bitch!

Four album releases I'm looking forward to this year: John Mayer, Mumford & Sons, Phoenix and U2.

One thing that would make 2012 infinitely better than 2011: Having my friend back. I've really missed him lately.

Something else that would make 2012 better than 2011: A job.

Cross your fingers and hold your toes, kids. They're both going to require a miracle.

[AquaFizz]

First, today I'm feeling more sassy and I'd like to retract my wanting my friend back in 2012. Thing is, he was an ass. Maybe not all of the time, but sometimes...and certainly at the end. I can be flighty, ditzy, bitchy and possessive sometimes, but in the end...I'm still a damn good friend to have. The roots of those traits are what also makes me fun, loyal and constant. If one person in existence thinks those good moments outweighed the bad, then who am I to argue? Who am I to want someone like that? He was way too self-assured (all things considered), not as bright as he liked to believe, a few miles short of being loyal and wishywashy as all fuck. That's not someone I need in my life. And that was made pretty obvious, too. No sooner was he gone than I replaced him with a handful of people that were, at the very least, far more entertaining. It wasn't until I was so caught up in academics and barely had a social life that I even began to think I missed him. That's not to say that feeling wasn't real (I'm sure it was), just that he's not really worth it. I wanted him to be...but that didn't make it so.

Second, school has been tres difficile. On paper, my load looks pretty light. In reality, I have definitely overextended myself. Midterms are next week. They seem to have come so soon and at the same time, I wish they'd hurry up and get here, so I can be one week closer to the end of this hellish quarter. Then, again, I'm so far behind and so struggling to keep hold of all my loose ends, I'd surely fail if things ended right now.

Third, my mind is overflowing with roughly a million things I need to get down on white space and yet when I sit/lay down to type or write them all out, I just don't have the energy or the desire. This is not only keeping me from getting shit down, it's also keeping my brain filled-up to the max. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? You know when Donna Noble absorbs The Doctor and becomes part Time Lord? You know how he has to take it away because her mind could never handle all the information that his mind can hold? I feel like that. I feel like I've got a million ideas in my head for answers to test questions, graphs of fiction, ideas for articles, deadlines for articles, various budgets, grocery lists, calculated hours of sleep if I go to bed right...now, that I can't possibly keep holding it all in my mind. At the same time, all that stuff is making me too tired to feel like getting it all out on paper or in Word Docs.

I bought some vitamin D. That will replace what I've been missing due to lack of sun during these grey, awful days. Maybe that will help.

Also, can we talk about the fact that my analogy to Donna & The Doctor has to be THE most geeky thing I've ever written?

Time for some more Advil and Tiger Balm and possibly a snack of some sort. Perhaps a whole wheat waffle with the last of my real maple syrup. ...Yeah.

[AquaFizz]

GUESS who's playing at the Ryman!

Guess who's going to be there for (at least part of) it!



Yay for time in Nashville! Yay for my new friends! Yay for boys who don't hold grudges!

Honestly...I'm more stoked than I should be...it's the week before finals...horrible timing. But I'm going and, even though I HATE the song, that Party Rock song by LMFAO is DEFINITELY on repeat in my head right now! I love Nashville! I love my boys! I love my friends! I love (at least pieces of) my life!

And I'm pretty sure I'd say that even if I WEREN'T all doped up on meds!