Waffles' Mind

[Waffles]

Yeah yeah, ok, so I'm starting a reflections' thread. Just there seem to be a lot of things I want to get out. That I don't mind people seeing, but that I just don't want false comfort from, or smart arse comments, or nothing. Just somewhere where I can express myself without the usual ridicule I get. So yeah.

[Waffles]

So now I can vent about Sheena.

There is no doubt that I love that girl more most people in this disgusting world. She is one of my best friends, and will always be. And she's pretty much my oldest real friend as well, not counting wendy, or Susan, or whoever, because they are sort of my family.

However, I am just bitter at the moment. Possibly jealous, though not in the usual way, thank the gods. She has a boyfriend. They've now been going out for over a month and a half or something like that. His name is Josh. I am seriously reserved about people named Josh. In her words, from the other day, they are going 'spectacular'. If it makes her happy, I am happy. Thing that shits me the most though is that she has no time for me. What the frel is with that. She had time for me while going out with James. Someone that she claimed she was madly in love with. But now?

We have talked but 3 times since she started going out with him. Three. In two months. Even though we usually speak, I dunno ten friggin times more than that usually. I made a birthday call to her for her 21st, hoping that we could have nice long chat like we USED to have. But no. Josh was over. They were going to go out. And she couldn't take time out to talk to me. And since then, its not been any better. Its mainly cos bloody Josh lives but 5-10 min away. They get to see each other all the time. But why on earth can she not take time out to get on the net for half an hour? I have absolutely no idea. It was the bloody summer over there for goodness sakes. You all know what that means. NO SCHOOL. The only thing she had was work, which is maybe 20 hours a week, and Josh. But no, for some reason she doesn't have any time for her best friend.

And she expects me to act like we used to before she started going out with Josh. All huggy and kissy and sweetness. Hello, no flirting babe, cos you have a bf. I know that doesn't usually stop me, but this is Sheena here. I guess I am being a bit selfish here, but I'm bitter. And I guess jealous. But not in that way. Jealous that Josh gets all her time, so much that I am pushed back. I can't even talk to her as much because of all this. It honestly hurts.

I'll still marry her when we're 25, if we're both single. But I am not happy.

[Waffles]

Well, I'd better put a bit of happiness in here, to make sure this doesn't turn into a black hole of despair.

I utterly love and adore my adopted sister Michelle. She is the one and only person in the world that I can always talk to, always want to talk to, always make me smile. Nobody else can do that. Except maybe for Krystle, but perhaps that is why we are such good friends. Everybody else invariably pisses me off, or is infuriating, or is annoying. Not saying that I don't love any of these people, because I do. But she is the only person I could ever trust with my heart, and know that I will never ever be hurt. Ever. The only person in the world. Ever. I do not think anybody else will ever be like that. I'll of course end up marrying a ncie girl and I'll of course entrust a few mroe people with my heart along the way, but in the end, there will always be safety in Mich.

I love you, Michelle. Thank you for being my sister, my friend, and my confidante. Without you the sun would not shine so bright, the air smell so sweet, and the grass feel so soft. I will always be here for you, as you have been here for me. Always.

[Waffles]

And without further ado, back to the black hole.

Never assume. If you do, you will invariably end up wrong. And hurt. Take it from me. There is one very very prime example. Say, for arguments sake, you hang about with a group of people. They seem to accept you, like you, for the most part, talk to you, have fun with you. Other people join this group of friends along the way, and some leave. You think that you are pretty much ingrained into this circle. If there's one thing you know, is that you are part of this.

But no.

Sometime along the track, you find out that you may still be a part, but you are the least part. Everyone else goes and does something, something which brings them together, and you are never told about it. Until the least likely person has a moment of pure goodness, and tells you about it. And you find out that these 'friends' have been doing something, sharing something, being a group, for many months, and you have had zero idea about it. Absolutely no clue ever that something like this would ever be. You could honestly say, that in your crazy mind, which thinks up every possible possibility of possibilities, has never ever posthumed anything like this.

So there is shock. You can understand them not thinking that you should be there for one reason or another, and could easily handle that. All that would've had to be done was a simple explanation, and you would've gone, "Oh. Well, I understand." But no. Noone even gave you the curtesy of that. A lot of these 'friends' you could understand not telling you. But there is a subset of this group that you thought would have done something. Perhaps one person that you might've known long before this group existed. Perhaps one person that you had become exceptionally close to. But no. Everything you assumed has to be reevaluated.

Because you were wrong.

Yes, that's right. Wrong. And it hurts. How could it not? It taints your experience like saidin. Oh, they are still your friends, individually, most of them. No problem with that. But you are not one with them. You do not belong.

[Waffles]

Of course, you've eperienced all this before. Not belonging. And you think that you are used to it. Of course, you also assume that the rules don't apply here. How wrong you are. Rules are rules, and they apply everywhere. There are no exceptions. You must learn that no matter what, you will never truly be part of something. You will always be alone. How could that possibly be, you might ask. This does not apply to all people, or even most. There is your fallacy, my friend. You are not all people, or most, or some. You are you. For some reason you are born different to everyone else, and what rules seem to apply to most people, don't apply to you. Everyone is different, of course, but the gods above deemed you to be more different that anyone else. And not in a good way.

This might seem a bit egocentric. You might then say, but everyone feels this way. And that is true. Everyone does. But most do not have the tangible proof you do. Most people have not been as abused as you. Most people have not been as ridiculed as you. You may have a kind heart, and only want peace, and only want to help everyone. You may have a heart of gold, and be incredibly nice, and good, and whatever. You have to learn before it is too late that all these just combine to make you prime fodder to be shat upon. You think you've already learnt this lesson, but you never do. And that is the quickest way to oblivion.

Don't listen to any of them who say that they've been through all of this before. Some of them have been though some of this. But you have to get it through your unusually thick skull that being you just gives you a natural disadvantage in the world.

I will explain more later, but I must partake of rest, for I am weary.

[Waffles]

I was so glad I got the above out of my system. Might say more about it someday, but it owuld probably be best not to.


Jealousy, my dear friend, is a funny thing. There are two reasons why one might be jealous in nature. Firstly, one might be a self-centred and insecure person. This a definite flaw in character, and one that must be repaired in order to function well in todays society. Secondly, one might just be a passionate person, for jealousy is also a byproduct of passion. Now, being a passionate person, is not a bad thing, and in general, in the authors opinion anyway, can be a good thing. However, one must take the bad with the good, and jealousy is unfortunately unavoidable.

Now, the fact still stand that one must control one's jealousy in order to avoid self destruction. If one does not, the there will be an unavoidable spiral into depression, despair, and despondency. With a high likelyhood of irreversable damage to friendships. However, complete control of jealousy is, again in the authors opinion, utterly impossible. It is still an emotion and natural to the human. So one must keep jealousy restrained to justifiable domains. For instance, if one has a paramour, in which feelings are shared equally, jealousy is indeed justifiable, within reason.

Say now, for arguments sakes, that one and one's paramour share an open relationship for whatever reason. There will naturally be jealousy when one or the other share their affections, but as long as the main parties are still put foremost, then it can turn out to be advantageous. It is here that trust is the prime directive. If one does not have trust, jealous will reign, and any relationship is doomed to utter failure. So both parties must trust each other unequivocably. Doing so will ensure happiness and a minimsation of jealousy.

So, in short, for a happy relationship with little jealousy, one must trust each other to put the other foremost. What then, one may ask, if one or another party fails in this regard? The author says, one must wait and see. But in any case, there will be hurt.

[Waffles]

All I want in life is a bloody piece of honesty.

And if what might come to pass comes to pass, I am honestly not going to ever give out my heart again.

[Waffles]

And it comes to pass....

Ever had deja vu? I just had another bout of it. You would've thought that after the failed relationships I've had, I would've learnt my lesson, but no. I thought I was playing it safe this time, and everything was backed up by a great friendship. I wasn't getting into it too deeply, but there was potential. I had even given them considerable freedom as well. However, women are fickle, as I thought I knew, (this of course is a generalisation, unfortunately backed up by all of my friends), and I just happened to have in my grasps, the most fickle of them all. Seems rather like my first real relationship, except I was doing everything right, that I had done wrong before. Yet for some strange reason, I get treated, not the same, but worse. Much worse. Brilliant.

I am never entrusting anyone else with my heart again. All the faith in women that I have built up over the past year, has been destroyed. I think my best bet is, to only engage in flings, until such time as I am ready to procreate, and spend the rest of my life with a friend, raising children. Because this can never happen again.

[Waffles]

She wants space.... heh. May I never be known for not being generous.

On another note, cos I've been so sick lately, I've had to go part-time. Which basically totally screws up any travel I was going to do. If I get some summer work though, I'll try and get away for a couple of weeks. But we will have to see....

Life has taken a decidedly weird turn....

[Waffles]

This is just a note I sent her....

I couldn't help but notice you mentioning your feelings for *name omitted*.
This seems to contradict something you said earlier about being a 'private' person.
Hence I have come to the conlusion, that you are full of shit. How can I actually believe anything you say?
I can't trust you, I can't trust what you say....
I'm really enjoying the space right now, and don't really want it to end right now, but please tell me....
How on earth can I possibly be friends with you?
Please, I would really like to know.

.
This is in reference to her saying that she never really publicly mentioned her feelings for me.

We used to be such good friends....
Personally, I think she needs to work extra hard if she wants to be friends with me, because at the moment, I don't see why I should.

[Waffles]

I'm such a procrastinator, that if I had a gun, I'd shoot myself.... tomorrow.... maybe.... one of these days....

But on the good news front, I got my passport! YAY! Unfortunately, I'm not going anywhere

[Waffles]

Without fail she makes me smile.

God I love my sister

[Waffles]

Now if I could only to say this to their face! LOL

[Waffles]

Just figured that that last post didn't mean much cos I deleted the post before it.... LOL!

Anyway.... a more coherent vent, spoken as if she would read this:

Obviously I don't mean much to you, considering you think its too much effort to work things out. I am not going to wait around forever. You are running a very grave risk of losing a friendship, all because you wanted something that you can't have.

[Waffles]

Just wanna say.... WOOHOO!
A week with wendy will do wonders
~veges out~