Waffles' Mind

[Waffles]

Well... I'm still with N... and I'll be seeing her in Singapore over New Years in... 6 days I'll wait till I come back before I do a big update, but yeah. Love for all!

[Waffles]

Ahhhh life. Gotta love it

Not.

Anyway... yeah I thought I had found 'a one', and it started off so well. But it kinda took a downward turn when we found out she was pregnant, then I found out it was because she had cheated on me with her ex who had raped her just before we started going out, then she decided to go back to him even though she had an abortion, EVEN THOUGH she claimed that yes she loved me and everything and always will really but they really need each other and hey being raped and bruised and spyed on really isn't that bad.

So now, I'm broken hearted and broke. Not really liking my life at the moment. Worst part is, I'd still take her back. Man, you'd think that I'd hate her or something. I am such a fool. I'm off my medication as well, though this is prolly the best time to be ON it, because I don't want to rely on it. I want to be able to handle all this on my own. But its hard, you know? Hard when you think about her all the time, so much so you HAVE to drink just to shut down your stupid brain. And its hard when you don't have any money to help ease the pain either. Yes, money helps. At least I'd be able to go out with people, but noooo... I just hope I get a job soon. And I wish that I could hurry up and finish this final subject so I can teach. Cos I know that I won't lack for work and I'd be doing something I LOVE.

I hate that I seem to have a spare tire around my waist as well... at least getting back into reffing and playing will help, but yeah...

I need someone who loves me, wows me, makes me crazy about them. But I just don't think I can do that anymore.

[Waffles]

Still no job...


I wish I could just wipe the past 7 months out of my memory. Complete amnesia. Because then I wouldn't hurt every single day. It wasn't like she betrayed me and I dumped her. It wasn't like our relationship ended on our terms. She just decided to go back to a bad person instead of me... in a matter of a WEEK. She loved me... there is no doubt of that... but it means nothing. It would've been easier if she hadn't really loved me, because then I could easily hate her. I still imagine she'd realise her mistake and come back to me... but I know that won't happen, and I know that I couldn't be with her now. At least not yet. And whats worse... WHERE HAS ALL THE RUM GONE!? I have no more rum, so I can't even drink myself into oblivion...

[Waffles]

Have you seen Pirates of the Carribean 3? If not, go out, see it, then come back. Total visual orgasm. Plus it will help you to understand me. Right now, I'm in the doldrums. That part where the ship is just floating, there's no wind, water is running out, etc... That is my life. Just floating. I've got a few things that I need to do last month but really? I just want to exist and not do anything. Life isn't bad though... just isn't fantastic. But then again, it rarely is fantastic anyway, at least in the past couple of years.

Love life update: Got a new girlfriend. Kinda. She's a good Catholic lass that is in my class, and I guess you can call her my gf. She's nice and safe. And not that exciting, emotionally. But you know what happened to me over the summer (winter for you weirdo Northerners), and so unexciting is a good thing. I am really truly fond of her, and she's an absolutely wonderful girl. Problem is, I don't think this relationship can last, at least not at the moment. She kinda knows this too, but we're just taking each week as it comes. But really... she is the kind of girl that I could settle down with if I wanted to. I just don't want to right now. I want excitement. Well, I don't really want that right now either, but I will... sometime... And so, until we finally become too busy to see each other, which will luckily (if you can call it lucky) happen before I start craving excitement, I've got a great girlfriend.

Hmmm... lets leave the thing everybody is curious about till last.

I'm glad I'm friends with Jen again. She was my first true love, and I will always love her. I am so happy for her... her life may not be perfect right now, but it has so much promise. And she is in love with what seems to be a great guy. She deserves the best, that girl. I'm just kinda wistful that I could give her everything she deserves. No offense to anyone, but this will make it easier for all... Jen was #6. Current is #10. THE Ex (tm) is #9. Got it? Good. Well, I also had a falling out with #8, but we're also friends again, which is good. She also has a fantastic bf, dead sexy, if I say so myself. Means I'm friends with #5-#8, and I think its good to be friends with at least some of your exes. #1 is a lost cause, especially considering she hurt me more than any other, until #9. Lost contact with #2&3, but I don't think a friendship was on the cards for them. And lost contact with #4 as well, but on good terms every time I see her, which is about once a year now!

Little known fact: I play basketball. I'm not very good, but yes, I play. We won tonight, against a team that had not been beaten this season until now. Go us. I also coach an under-18 girls team (we're not doing too well, but I only started this season, and they have been making me so proud). I also referee regularly, and sometimes do scoretable and stats. Really, I only got into basketball this much a couple of years ago, but I reckoned it was something you, o friends o' mine, did not know about me. And now you do.

So... #9. I have not had any contact with her for months. And I'd like it to stay that way. She hurt me badly. She betrayed me more than I could ever imagine. The cheating... I could imagine that. In fact, had a gut feeling that it would happen. But the betrayal after that... the complete disregard of my feelings... my love... the utter and absolute selfishness. I fell truly, deeply, absolutely in love with this girl, to a place so deep that only Jen has ever reached. I could have married this girl, in a heartbeat, and it was feasible. But then... she fucked me over. Yeah, I'm still bitter. I'm going to be bitter for a very long time. I'm not going to trust easily for a very long time. I'm prolly going to alternate between safe and trusting, yet unexciting and thus doomed relationships, and exciting but untrusting, and still doomed relationships, until... well possibly forever. Who knows?

Oh whats that I hear from the crowd? Get over yourself? Good advice. You know what? I'm getting over myself. I'm getting over it. I'm living my life and moving forward. But she made me realise that anyone... ANYONE... if you let them... can betray you. Badly. I'm a lot more cynical and realistic than I once was. Most people tell me that I will one day find someone worthy, who won't burn me. You know, they might be right. But I'm not going to fool myself and hope for something that may never eventuate. And in the meantime, I'm going to live my life and be happy. I just have a number of scars... and one big one... on my heart. And they're there to stay.

[Waffles]

Geez Louise! Over two years since I last whined! Oh well, let's get the formalities over and done with:

Since then I broke Catholic girl's heart, embarked on my longest and most destructive relationship ever, got my first full time position, and went on a life-transforming self-improvement course that makes me laugh/cringe at the person I used to be. As you can see from below (above?) And that takes us up to this year.

~new Waffles~

This year started off as my best year ever (cos I said it would be, so it will be!) I was happy and single, got a fantastic apartment, and a great new full-time (though one year) position. I met a crazy fantastic SA/NZ girl in March and started dating her. Badly sprained my ankle so much my talus (ankle bone) cracked so was out of dancing. Went to NZ twice, and proposed to her in July. She moved back to Oz with me. I re-sprained my ankle, putting me onto long-term physio. We got a nice apartment of our own. Now looking for a position for next year, trying to write an essay, and slowly planning a wedding (tentatively Aussie Spring next year).

I think that covers everything