And this, too, shall pass...

**Jennifer** · September 13th, 2003

I don't know how much of this thread will be diary/journal. I plan just to put things here that I've seen or read that have affected me in some manner. So for my first post, I give this:

Passion.
It lies in all of us.
Sleeping...waiting...
and though unwanted...unbidden…
it will stir...open its jaws, and howl.
It speaks to us...guides us.
Passion rules us all. And we obey.
What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love... the clarity of hatred...
and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion,
maybe we'd know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank...
Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

**Jennifer** · September 18th, 2003

I've been working for this one company for over four years, a local seafood restaurant. Now this is a relatively small company. Not some huge corporation like Darden (Olive Garden, Bahama Breeze, Red Lobster, etc.). This was the kind of company where, after a big meeting, you could go to Hooters for beers with the CEO, whom you called by first name and he called you by yours (although such is not the case at the moment). I started working for this company as a server. I worked there off and on for about a year. Then I went full time with them as a cashier (which has a lot more responsibilities than the name cashier implies) and from there I became a "key employee." An employee who has keys to the store, access to the safe, and generally does a manager's job but gets paid hourly. I enjoyed this work. I enjoyed having the challenge of actually operating the restaurant as well as the people I worked with. Everyone there just "got" each other. It was a great crew. Even when the economy was hard on the store and the people who worked there, we were happy.

But things happened. The company went through some leadership changes. These new leaders made some extremely bad decisions. They wasted a lot of money on product that cost more than it earned. And I got screwed over repeatedly by these new "leaders." They took advantage of my skills, overworked me, underpaid me... My grades in school dropped a little because of all the time and effort I put into my job. My direct supervisors, the store managers, had me do their job for them, and took credit for the decent work I made of it. But I didn't do it for them really, because by then I was not liking the way they were running things. I did it for our employees. I had gained their trust, their respect....they had gained mine. The other managers didn't care about them, acknowledge the good work they did, their cohesiveness as a team. But those wonderful people would have done almost anything for me because they knew I would and did go out on limbs for them. And then I got demoted for no good reason. I got demoted in title, but I was still asked to open the store by myself, and often times I closed the store by myself. They wanted me to do a manager's job, but they didn't want to acknowledge it. And I did it, for the people I worked with. I wanted them to be taken care of, because I knew the other managers wouldn't do it.

Then, after just over 3 years, the location I worked at closed. It happened because the corporate "leaders" saw fit to change the salaried management staff over 25 times in just those 3 years. It came suddenly, none of the store management saw it coming. The corporate assholes didn't tell us until an hour before they committed the act. It was very sad to see our "family" disbanded. Even the macho cooks cried.

Now I still work for the same company, part-time again. I work at a different location, and my general manager is a great guy. We worked at the other store together off and on during those 3 years (off and on because they repeatedly transferred him to another store just as ours was starting to do well again). He doesn't like our new CEO (the 3rd since I've been there), nobody likes the new CEO. Nobody calls her by her first name, she doesn't know anybody's name. Several long-term corporate members, who had been with us from the start, quit because of her. Store managers have been jumping ship left and right, seeing the direction the company is going in...that steep downward spiral. I still work as a "key" employee, my boss sees that I'm allowed to do what I do well. But most of my responsibilities are still gone. The job holds no more attraction for me. I don't even really like the people I work with. So my question is this: why do I still care about this stupid company? Is it the fact that it used to be something great? A place people wanted to work? A place where the CEO knew everyone's name at one time? Or is it just because I'm afraid to leave? I shouldn't be...the company could fold at any time. I know if the store I'm at now were to close, I wouldn't transfer yet again. I don't get enough hours at my other job to make that my primary income, but I know I wouldn't have problems finding another second job. But I just don't leave.

Ah well...maybe I'll go more into this later. It doesn't even feel better to have written this out. My stress did not leave with this lengthy letter. But, another time perhaps...

/end rant

**Jennifer** · October 2nd, 2003

It's somewhat hard to believe I'm leaving for Thailand on Tuesday. Every time my mom and I have tried to go in the past, something always came up at the last moment that prevented it. The last time was because of this little war we had.

So I'm just waiting for something to happen that stops us, but I don't think it's going to happen this time. I'm really going to be trapped in that airplane for almost 24 hours. (I REALLY don't care for flying.). Gone eighteen days.... ~sighs~ Wish I could actually afford this trip.

**Jennifer** · October 4th, 2003

~is trying futilely to calm the butterflies about the flight on Tuesday~

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**Jennifer** · October 25th, 2003

Well, I'm back from Thailand. I had a great time and saw some beautiful sights. One of the downsides about going there was actually a mixed blessing...the lack of communication with my family. They spoke about as much English as I speak Thai, which is to say very little. And although we did teach each other a few things, it still wasn't much. So for 16 days I was there and had no one to talk to but my mother. It was a mixed blessing because it kept me from having to talk to everyone and having to answer tons of questions, and allowed me time to be alone whenever I wanted, which was often. I did a lot of wandering alone with my camera...hopefully some good pictures came out of that. Now I'm back and it's fairly early in the morning. I wasn't able to fall asleep until around 3 or 4 a.m., and now I'm wide awake after 4 hours of sleep. My body clock is even more messed up than it already was, and I have a feeling my insomnia is going to be hitting me hard in the next few weeks. So we'll see what happens.

**Jennifer** · November 2nd, 2003

I posted the whole song in the Song Lyrics thread, but the chorus has been stuck in my head for days now.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

**Jennifer** · November 4th, 2003

There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.

–Jack London, The Call of the Wild

**Jennifer** · November 4th, 2003

My dream...

R/V Odyssey

**Jennifer** · November 6th, 2003

I can't stand how my mom acts lately. When I was a kid, the only attention I got from her was the kind I didn't really want. She wasn't affectionate, nor was she the kindest person in the world, and I'll leave it at that. I have no bitterness towards her (anymore), but I'll never completely trust that the old her is gone. Now she always acts all affectionate and mother/daughter-like, wanting to go shopping, always telling me she loves me (which she almost never did when I was a kid). I know she's a different person than she used to be. I just wish she wouldn't try to change our relationship, but I don't want to say something and hurt her feelings, because she really does seem to have changed.

I've said this before ...parents are their own children's worst enemies.

**Jennifer** · November 18th, 2003

I've made a decision about one of my career paths, and I'm not really thrilled with it. On one hand, I'm relieved that the decision is made, and I feel I've made the best choice for the next few years. On the other hand...well, what I've decided to do isn't what I really want to do. The hardest question was this: should I make the wise choice, even though it's not what I want in my heart, or should I follow what I REALLY want to do but be unable to really go anywhere with it. I don't know. But the choice has been made. I know it's not the career of my life, but it probably will be for quite a few years to come.

There's also this: I miss school.

I went through a lot of hell while I was in school, and I was always stressed and so very tired. Working full time at the same time didn't help matters. But still...I miss it. I feel like I have nothing to do anymore. What do I do with my spare time? I read different things: novels, biology journals, this forum. I work. Blah. Both of my jobs right now are dead end, but I'm hoping with this decision I've made that one of them won't stay that way for long. School gave me purpose. I had something to work towards. I don't really have that now, and I feel kind of like I'm just floating aimlessly at sea, no wind in my sails.

So maybe one day I'll go back. Hopefully. Almost certainly. And hopefully my career decision was the right one, both for my future and my heart.

**Jennifer** · November 20th, 2003

Okay, I have to ask...How can anyone actually LIKE being cold? It's like 50 degrees F right now! (Yeah, laugh all you want you silly northerners, but that feels REALLY cold in Florida

). When I'm cold, I feel like my life's energy is draining right out of me. The only good thing about cold weather is cuddling up in warm blankets, preferably with another warm body, but geez, when you have to leave those blankets... :broken:
Cold weather is a nice change, I'll admit that. But I have to work outside in it.

Oh! There IS one other good thing about cooler weather: my power bill is nice and low since I don't have to run the A/C.
Heh, I remember the winter of '96-'97 here was VERY cold. Unusually cold. I was working at Disney (blah). Outside, of course. We had jackets and sweaters, but we couldn't wear gloves because we handled money and it's hard to count money with gloves on. Of course, it's hard to count money with frozen fingers too. Luckily, at the place I worked, we had an outdoor baked potato stand. So we would take hot baked potatos, wrap them in napkins, and stick them in our coat pockets.

Then we could stick our hands in our pockets and keep them nice and toasty. When the potato got cold, which didn't take long, we'd just get a new one.

I have to ask another question...why does 50 degrees (why don't I have a degree symbol on my keyboard?) feel a lot colder in Florida than it does in, oh, say North Carolina or Virginia or someplace north. I mean, I've been up there when it was cold, and I didn't FEEL as cold. People say it's the humidity (it's always the humidity

), but our winters are considered our dry season. Sure it rains, but it's not really humid like the summertime. So what gives?

Oh well. I shall survive, I suppose. ~pulls blanket tighter~

**Jennifer** · November 23rd, 2003

Here's a random fact for you:

The word "alligator" came from the Spanish "el lagarto," which means "the lizard." Technically though, alligators aren't lizards.

Oh, and the Dutch word for stingray is pijlstaartrog.

**Jennifer** · November 26th, 2003

To the beat of the rhythm of the night
dance until the morning light
Forget about the worries on your mind
we can leave them all behind
To the beat of the rhythm of the night..
oohh the rhythm of the night..
Forget about the worries on your mind
we can leave them all behind

**Jennifer** · December 20th, 2003

Holy God I just got another glimpse of my mother's terrifying temper. I knew it wasn't gone. It's just waiting for the chance to spring out and sink its claws into anyone who gets too close. And heaven help both me and her if she ever decides to try to take another hit at me again because one or both of us might wind up in jail. That is why I try never to get truly angry and lose my temper because I'm so afraid, very very afraid, that I'll turn into her. Fucking banshee.

**Jennifer** · December 24th, 2003

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I'm just home from the restaurant. My husband is on his way to his mom's house for Christmas. I'm not going with him because I have to work tomorrow morning. And my mom is staying at her boyfriend's place. So I'm alone. Which is kind of nice (especially the part where my mom isn't here). But still, alone on Christmas Eve...