Thought is the pebble that starts an avalanche

[Buck]

Well, I think it is time that I opned up my own reflections thread. I never really have time anymore to sit down and reflect, and this is me saying... meh I will now!
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On etiquette.
It seems to me that some people for various reasons just dont understand this concept. It is not that difficult. To put it simply there is a time and place for everything.
(Before I go any further I want to stress that this isnt aimed at anyone at this site.)

Dont get me wrong, I tend to say some stupid stuff sometimes at the wrong time and I am not trying to be hypocrytical but even my crudenss has reasonable limits. Just that sometimes people I know say the most mind boggling things in front of the wrong people. The type of thing you kind of hold your head and say oy. I think it just isnt etiquette. Ive been around some people that act half their age. Sure its great to have a little kid in you and let him out for air sometimes...hell I do all the time, but there are times I let the kid take a nap and be adultish when I need to. Especially at work. I mean you go to work to work,...not to play. Some people cant understand that you should take your work soberly.

As it was said here, sometimes you need to get a really big board that says get a clue and whack them on the head with it. Cant remember off the top who said it but meh partial credit is given.

Aside from that minor rambling I am worried about my new year's resolution. At first I though I could do it but now Im not too sure. I made a little promise that I would try to train for the marathon in october. I gave up smoking back in september and I have been really good. The true test was when I was home for the holidays and I was around a lot of friends and family and they all smoked. It practically made me green. I was really proud of myself for not only holding out but not actually craving one anymore. It feels good and I think I really have a chance of staying off the cigarette wagon. W007!!

This brings me to my new year's resolution. I havent been able to run more than a 100 yards without collapsing the past couple years and that was the reason I gave up the tobacco in the first place. My endurance the past few months has been steadily increasing. Im able to run faster for much longer. I could run a mile take a break and then play soccer for an hour. It really feals special when someone pointed it out to me. It didnt really hit me how much better I got till then. So tangeants aside, I figured that training for the marathon would motivate me to run more. Im not a big fan of weight rooms. Im not tubby or ashamed or anything like that.For the darnest reason I just could never understand lifting peaces of metal. Especially over and over again. It seems pointless. Its like running on a tredmill. Whats the point of running if you dont go anywhere Now take me out on an open field so the wind is hitting my face and I would run all day. Toss a ball on a court and I would play till morning. I need a purpose. I always need some sort of purpose. Mindless tasks are annoying.

So, *sigh* back to my point. This past week I went running. And I tested myself on the running track. Sure I did mostly sprints but I just wanted to see what I had to work with. I came to the conclusion fairly quickly that I dont think I would be ready in time to finish the marathon. Hmm but while writing this I just realized something. Who cares if I finish running the marathon, or actually running it in the first place. As a zen master would say all sage-like.

"Buck-son. It is not about where you end up it is about the path you choose."

So I choose to follow the path toward running and who cares if I run the marathon or not.

[Buck]

And so another day another dollar. It seems to me that sometimes at work I feel like instead of accomplishing anything Im frozen in time or actuallly working backwards. I have about a gazillion things to do and only to arms. I wonder how much my work life would be different if I did have an extra set of arms. I would be super chemist. *flaps cape in the wind*

Seriously though. My desk is one disgusting mess yet not compltely unorgaized. I always detested palms b/c I always never needed them and saw them as trinket black holes for your money to get sucked into a singliarity. But now I write stuff more and more on my hands. I keep little text documents on my desktop on my pc called 2DO. Guess what it contains ?

I may seriously save up some cash this month for some PDA. Oh the irony. I really was an advocate against them but now.... *sigh* I wonder what is next? Will I be one of those people that has those hack sack things around their waste too? Or better yet maybe I'll be caught dead in a frozen hell wearing a tie dye shirt. *cringes away from tie dye lovers* Sorry hippies I come from the hood, not the beach.

I saw a post about music and how it effects you.(anita? ) This is very true. I rarely express myself seriously and I guess I do in a way. I play my music and I stare at my brick wall at my work desk. Listening to Rage at the moment

Speaking of walls yet another reason to invest in a PDA. I have stuffed taped up all over the place. HA!!! If anyone has a link to a good PDA, pm me and I would be grateful.

[Buck]

Been a while since I posted but I need a way to vent some anger and sorrow. An old friend of mine from back home is now dead. We were pretty close years ago. She was a coworker and a good friend. I havent thought about her let alone spoken to her in near a half year. Yet I broke down in tears yesterday after I got off the phone with a cousin of mine.

Im not feeling much better today and I trying to keep busy at work didnt help at all. I cant stop thinking about her and how young she was. She was only 28. she was a mother and one the kindest people I ever knew. She was friendly, cheerful, nice, funny, energetic...you name it. She never hessitated to help if something was wrong and she treated me like a kid brother.

I remember when I first started working there, I was some young dorky teenager straight out of high school. I had just started college and was still fairly tiny. She taught me the the ropes at work and life in general. She played a pretty big part of my maturing. All of us back then at work were really tight. I couldnt even begin to describe it. We did tons of stuff together: parties, outings, trips and just plain hanging out at the pool hall around the corner. She was an integral part of it. We all were.

Hearing about her death and how it happened left me speechless with a lump in my throat. Everyone that knew her is back home and I'll most likely fly home for the funeral within the next day.

I have been thinking about her a lot the past day and I find myself thinking about the good times. We had a many laughs and I have only fond memories of her and I will always cherish them.

[Buck]

Ack, just got home and I'm exhausted and I'm running around again tomorrow. I seriously wont have time to myself, and only for catch up in work time until at least Sunday. *pants* oy..

Life throws you a curve ball somtimes...what is that phrase, when you get lemons ...make lemonade? Yea my lemonade is pretty sour atm. Hopefully things will get better by the end of next week. Alas, I fear that there is something suspiciously wrong going on and somehow I got iinvolved. Suffice to say I think I was put "in the loop" into something without volenteering. Dont you love when your the victim to such acts. Maybe true bastards have it right...heh. Servers me right for only being a psuedo ass. nsh et al...

[Buck]

Been some time since I posted here. Well, I have been a bit of a ghost lately on the quill. Between regular work stuff and some examinations I'm in the middle of right now, I have very few moments to myself truely. Whenever I do have some time to myself I end up falling asleep. I am exhaggerating a bit in a sense but in another sense I'm not. I'm just about finished now and ready to go home and the only thing on my mind is grabbing a bite to eat and napping some.

On the bright side, this hell should be over in about another month. Then something else terrible will take its place. Meh, I need to catch on you damn quillers.

Looking forward to this weekend. I have a long list of stuff I need to get done, but I also get to relax some.

I have turned into such an old geezer. I need to get away from everything.... SOON!!!

[Buck]

Spring.
It is associated with the time of rebirth and growth:rejuvination. A new start.

The weather got warmer here quite drastically. It snowed just over a week ago and now it is averaging about 65-70 F(20 C). As such, I have gone from hibernation to scurrying around in the grass. I feel reborn in a sense. Its SPRING!

I have been burdened with lots of stress and anxiety the past month or so b/c of work and what not and I had a chance to get away and be a complete child for a weekend. It was great.

I went with some good friends to a nearby quasy state park. Now consider any presumtions you may have of Indiana landscape and you would think ...hmmmm more flat land with grass and a few trees. There were more hills than I expected and there was a lake encapsulated in the park. We went on the trails and "nature walked" for quite a few hours. We threw around the frisbee around a bit and played even in the playgrounds. Did the swing thing and climbed the playground fort. Lots of good ol fun.

I even got to do something Ive never done before. I climbed a tree. Everyone was somewhat shocked that I have never climbed a tree as a child. Sure, Ive climbed chain link fences and walls but never a tree. Only b/c the trees I grew up with would not support my weight.

So yes I climbed a tree. I only went up maybe 15 feet, but that was plenty for me. I must say I felt quite the child. Now I walk on campus and I look at trees in a new light. I scan the scenary and deem them as climbable and not climbable.

So, I say to yall quillers. Find a tree, grab a book and climb up onto a branch a read something enjoyable.

[Buck]

Just finished scanning all the pictures that weren't digital and thought to share this with everyone. It was a randomn picture I took as we were walking along the trail and turned out real nice. I have a better resolution file and I use it as my desktop for now. Anyone who wants can have it (pm me.)

[Buck]

Ok, so I havent posted in a bit but I was sitting down watching some play off hockey and I recalled a bizarro dream I had last night. I dont normally remember my dreams but usually they are very vague and ominous.

This dream was a bit different in that I remember most of it...even if sketchy at best. I was fighter pilot attempting land a jet. I was able to do it and then I was lead by my squad leader to park the jet. I even remember having problems finding a specific setting and radioing back and forth with the squad leader to find this button. Which by the way, I found on my own....Very bizarre dream and very unlike the dreams I normally have. I dont remember the landing but I know I did it. I remember seeing a heads up display of where I was in relation to ther aircrafts. It was almost like I was in a strategy game, but it was real...Again very bizarre. I also remember that there was a big battle going on and I was one of the few who made it back. And the jet wasnt mine. I took over it... Somehow I was not the original pilot. I either stole it or I saved it from crashing...or both.. I cant remember that part.

I think the name of the squad I was in was blue squad. It was ver very real. Its been a whole day and I can still feel the anxiety of it. Being in the cockpit and steering the plane down a roadway.


After writing this, I think I know why or how I had this dream. I was looking for a specific game in my "game drawer" in my cabinet on Saturday. I came across Real War, which I played briefly over a year ago. I kind held it for about 5 secs and remembered how cool it was. Ive also been thinking about reading Tom Clancy novels today. Maybe that stemmed from my dream? *shrugs* Im no psychoanalyst so I leave the psychology to psychologists


On another subject, Ive been writing my essay for the latest competition and it is comming along quite nicely if you ask me Ive only got about a half a page and I edited it lightly yesterday. I doubt I'll win, but I might end up completing the story, only cause I want it to have closure. :o

[Buck]

Summer is starting real soon. Wow, this semester just flew by..I mean WOOSH!! It seems like every year the years start to zip by at a much quicker pace. Talk about ludicrous speed. Next thing I know, I will be 25 single and growing my first white hairs. Oh wait, That already happened Heh. Well, alls well that ends well. Except it has ended yet. Heh, ok Im trying to write a deep thought here but it keeps happening on its own accord.

*smothers serious thoughts with a rubber mallet*

I actually noticed something pretty interesting today. Nothing makes you chill out and relax and think and just feel all better like some good music. It does the expressing for you. And its even cooler late in the day when the bosses are away and you pump it up just a bit louder and just catch up with your coworkers. It felt today oddly like a Friday, even though it was Thursday. That has been happeing a lot lately. Every day feels like another day. Maybe the days are all messed up or just maybe...just maybe I have no idea what the days feel like anymore. : Either way *shrugs* Tomorrow is Friday. I wonder what it will feel like. I dont really care which as long as it isnt Tuesdays. Im not a big fan of Tuesdays.

[Buck]

It only takes me about 5-10 mins to get to work in the mornings depending on how I hit the traffic lights. I just have to drive cross town and Im there. So this gives me the opportunity to only catch about 3-4 mins of music, depending on me flipping the channels for a couple until I catch the best thing playing atm.

On most days this pays off and I hear a nifty popular song of the week that I enjoy briefly. Today, though, was one of those days where nothing good was on and I decided to listen to some song I really dont like. Nothing good was on at all!!! So, instead of shutting off the radio like I shoud have done, I listen to it. Not so bad, it was only a 3 minute song and I was only 3 more lights away from parking.

What happens you ask? I hear the damn song in my head over and over and I cant get it out of my head. I caught myself humming the tune way too many times to count. I hate this damn song!!!!! Why wont it go away..... I tried other music...didnt work.... *song*

[Buck]

Let's see, I went away for the weekend for a conference that rocked the hazbah!!! Anyone not in my field would have been bored to tears but I found it highly entertaining and dare I say exciting. Im uber exausted still and I have a really really busy schedule for the next week so Im kinda in lurker mode right now. Catching up in absnot is going to be a nightmare, just from the latest page so much has happened that I fear hitting the previous pages.

On a super duper bright side, Greece won again!!! *does double take* It is an absolute miracle that greece made it this far. I am serious! I mean, we beat France!!! We are in the final four now!! Oh if we actually make it to the championship I would really like us to play the portuagese. *crosses fingers* I really want to see the next game. Stupid pay-per-view *shakes fist*

Long week, lots of reading.....*yawn*

[Buck]

*digs up old reflection thread*

Wow, it has been a while since I reflected and Im not sure where to begin except with the latest I guess.

I have a real tough exam coming up within the month and I am really worried about it. I try to keep occupied so I dont have to worry about it but it is the last thing I think of going to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning. I cant wait till I get through it one way or another. Dont get me wrong- Im pretty sure I will pass but at this point Im too exhausted to think anymore. Hell this passed month Ive been in bed and asleep by midnight... Note Im a night owl. Im going to kick into gear and try to have a working copy in by this week's end.

Either way I will be done by middle of october and either way I will be drinking heavily in NO.

On the brighter side, I have been eating rather more healthy than I realized. I had a McD's craving and ran and got a couple burgers the other night and I couldnt help and notice that the burgers were too greasy to finish. It is good to see that Im actually reacting this way to bad food. Ive been spoiling myself by eating more homecooked/healthy food. Hope this lasts, cause I use greasy food as indulgence to keep me off the smokes. Been a year this month. *marks calendar*. I actually quit in August I think but my last "cheat" cigarretes were in september a year ago. Since then I had one drag of a cigarette, but I practically gagged and couldnt inhale the puff what so ever. I think Im in the clear. Although I admit that I still have about a zillion lighters in my drawer. Not to mention books of matches and zippos. What can I say, most of those were acquired by theft and I consider them trophies with attatched stories to each one. Keepsakes if you will. Ive seen beer bottle caps collections, but I prefer these and I will probably never give them up.

In other news, Ive been teaching a lot more this semester and I am loving it. Nothing is more fullfilling than seeing a student actually get things they struggled with. That light bulb clicking on is a site to see and makes all the effort to ignite that spark of realization ohhh so worth it. I have new ound respect for professors, they have tons of patience and most really care...most.

On a closing note I can not wait till october is over. It will be my toughest month here at school to date and from then on it is pretty much smooth sailing until I finish. Ive been fending off debachery left and right while concentrating on my studies. After that is done with I will treat and spoil myself for a month.

cheers.

[Buck]

Hit the ff button on a vcr to a couple months later and here I am.


First things first, quillfest rocked the socks off me. Lots of fun was had by all and I feel much closer to all the quillers as a result. Some of them, whom I thought I knew, it turned out I could not be more wrong. In this case that is a very good thing. No need to mention any names but I did have for mentioned negative inclinations of certain quillers -- not liking them for various reasons-- and it turns out that those qualities were baseless and flat out wrong. Everyone there was most definitely unique....oh so most definitely unique.... and yet we all shared some sort of common bond. I knew while I was with them that if anything bad happened I would be in safe hands and vice versa I felt inclined to be protective of them all. It felt right being with everyone. I only wish I had more time to spend with everyone. Im not good at letting people in and I didnt loosen up until the last night and by then everyone was already saying their goodbyes. Although looking down on it, I truely loosened up when I admitingly had my first cigarrete in a very long time. Its been a year since I smoked and on Sunday I had over a half a pack. I regret starting again b/c all it has done is rekindled that hunger in my chest for the soothing taste of sweet tobacco. How sweet it is, but how bad it is for you, there is irony for you... Since I got back, I had one cigarrete, but that was more of a good bye cigarrete. Im off cigarretes again and this point I dont miss them anymore. I guess the cigarretes I had in New Orleans were a farewell to my mistresss tobacco love.

What can I say, everytime I meet some of the quillers I learn something more about them(which is awesome!!) but I also learn something about me too. Ive always been a neurotic spaz, and hey that is a part of who I am and will always be, but I calm and serene part of me I never knew existed blossomed recently over the years. When I went to the vibes, I first encountered it and wasnt sure how to deal with it. Since then it has been part of me and I count on it when I deal all sorts of crap.

Quillfest had a similar effect. I feel at peace with myself. I had my examination the week after I got back and I was shocked at how I kept my cool. I was very mild mannered and even though that chillness has seeped a bit away some of it will always be with me. Knowing that I have friends out there that love me for who I really am deep down and having the freedom to be myself with them is a source of strength. I mean, dont we all act a certain way around people to a certain degree? From birth Ive been dealt my hand and it feels with the quillers I grab the deck and pick the cards that best define me, if that makes any sense...bah I think Im beeing too deep even for a reflections thread...

So here I am two months later...

[Buck]

I have fallen into a bout of depression. I think it started right before the holidays. Christmas at home was fun and it was great that I got hang with my family and all but something just didnt feel right. My parents were moved into a new house that they had bought and they had gone all out on decorations-- the whole nine. There were more decorations than I can remember in a long time. Now it is not that it was a new house and that I miss the old house....heck not really. Im glad to see it go the way of the 8-track. I wish it were something as trivial. My famiy has always feuded to some degree, it was something I grew up aware of but always never had to deal with b/c of "keep the kids out of this" mentality. I played dumb b/c growing I did not want to get along. This past year it has gotten much worse. Its one thing for my mom to argue and not talk to an aunt or an uncle over a disagreement...hey it happens. Usually it went that they made up after a while and life went on...new arguements, etc... Rinse and repeat. About a year ago my brother decided to marry a korean girl and most of my family excommunicated him, each for their own supposed reason that ranged from complete racism to sheer stupidity (i know Im being redundant). Its something Ive dealt with this past year (not really) but it is real easy for me to be out here away from it all. The phrase "out of sight out of might" applies perfectly. I kept busy enough that I just didnt sit down and deal with it. My opnion on the matter had been voiced and that was it. Recently things changed very much. An uncle who I practically did not know was visiting us over christmas. He tried to bring my mom and my bro back onto speaking terms but my mom was quite venomous. I stayed out of it and didnt go near that conversation. I now regret that I did. Fast forward to a week ago and now I get a call from my mom telling me this unlce had passed away. Now I felt bad when I found out and was shocked. I never really knew him that well. He wasnt the coolest guy in the world but he meant well as far as I can tell. The excommunicated brother knew him much better than the rest of us b/c he went to school in florida and got to know him pretty well. now this was also my mother's little brother so I felt her pain immensly. Supreme irony struck my family hard. Two people who knew this man the most and loved him dearly still harbor ill feelings toward each other and my uncle's dying wish so to speak was to get them together. Just thinking about that curdles my stomach. I did something I hadnt done in near a year. I called up my brother to let him know that I felt for his loss and 3 seconds later he proceeded to chew my ear out for everything that happened. I will not claim complete innocense. I chose to side with the rest of my family the night before my brother's wedding (after agreeing to be in his wedding party and stand by him). for my own reasons. I did it mostly out of anger and disgust for something he had done to my family that I found out about (sorta) that night. A year later I still do not know what happened exactly leading up to the engagement and planning of the wedding and neither side is gave me the full story. My brother from what I gathered was not completely innocent either. That much I knew.

So this past week Ive severly depressed. I hadnt gone out of the house at all and sorta just sat and trolled in utter depression. Earlier this week I did start going back to work/school but my heart isnt in it. I have a deep feeling of sorrow over everything. I can almost see my life flash before my eyes of what went on this past year and I am at a loss of how to act. Do I call my brother up again? Since I got back from the holidays whenver I speak to my family I have very little want to speak and the calls end up being very short and depressing. This was before my uncle's passing and now post that I feel a pang of boiling emotion that is part anger, part hate and part wtf'ness and part empathy for her loss of her brother. Somehow I feel like Im the only bridge and I feel the weight of it all and it is plain depressing. Its enough I have to deal with my shit, wtf do I have to play father figure to my stupid family.

[Buck]

Im an insomniac, scattered and redundant.
Sometimes I feel like a minority, all the time.
nice guys finish last.