Thought is the pebble that starts an avalanche

**Buck** · July 4th, 2007

Ugh, I have been getting some weird signals from someone and I am not sure how to take it. When you are flattered but not interested in opening that can of worms again, what do you say?

**Buck** · August 17th, 2007

My roommate did his public part of his defense this morning. He is currently still behind the closed door session of it, all of us know he'll pass but the anticipation -- it burns us. Hehe

I zipped on by the apartment an hour ago and filled up the kitchen sink with Coronas on ice. It will be a low key celebration tonight, since he'll be exhausted more than anything so I am sure he will be pleasantly surprised.

I didn't go to his defense this morning, I had to take care of quite a few things - including a meeting. Apparently though, he dedicated a whole slide in his acknowledgments to me. I'm gonna miss the tard, he has been like the little brother I never had.

**Buck** · August 22nd, 2007

Spending my first night at the new place (yes I am alive

)

Every night this week I have been going out for a couple quiet pints with my roommate and one of our friends who is now my new roommate. Still not used to the idea of being her roommate yet, it feels very odd. The other guy in the house is pretty cool, and it turns out that not only did he recognize all the books on my shelf but he read them as well. He knows of Jordan, and Goodkind, and Gaiman, etc... etc...

We spent last night sitting up and discussing various Song of Ice and Fire theories, I must say finally having someone to actually talk about any book in general with is a breath of fresh air at last.

On a side note, another dear and old friend has moved into town this week as well, and I hope to hang with him and buy him a pint at some point later this week. (sots is in teh house

)

I just looked to my left, and the house cat is napping at my feet. He has been following me around all day and while I was unpacking my stuff and putting everything in its place earlier, he sat under my feet and pawed at my sneaker. Very cute cat, but man is it dumb. He reminds me more of a dog than a cat.

nighty night quill

**Buck** · February 25th, 2008

This week will go by quickly for me. I have so much to do and so little time, that I haven't really had a chance to sit down and think about it all the last couple months.

Basically, I am done with school and moving back the east coast on Friday. For those not in the know, I've been in the graduate school chemistry program with an emphasis on reaction mechanisms and my original goal was to get a PhD and become a professor. I was quite successful and was one of the first from my year to qualify for PhD Candidacy, which means that my committee of professors approved of my becoming a PhD. I was ahead of the curve.

In parallel however, I got severely depressed with the system. It has left me quite jaded and turned off and flat out disgusted. I had a nasty falling out with my professor over a very serious matter concerning my research.

He basically had me working on a new project I did not want or was interested in. For the benefit of the lab's success (and mine) I kept my mouth shut and took what I was given and in the end that project hit a brickwall that I ran into. I ran several tests to explore the flaws in the research proposal and basically found that the original idea behind my boss's design had a very critical flaw. There was no doubt, and I very much did not enjoy confronting my boss about it.

My boss is a very intelligent person. Of that I never had any doubt. But the man also has a very large ego and just couldn't bare being wrong. This was quite a shock to me as one of the reasons I picked him as an adviser was because I was under the impression he was not one of those types. He always valued logic and reason over bias.

He kept me on the project out of sheer stubbornness, and from there I completely lost interest in my studies and slipped into a very nasty depression and my self worth hit rock bottom. I honestly thought it was me. I'm leaving a lot out, but those are the events that have stood out the most to me. The day he dangled his reference letter at me and forced it as a card on me was the day I knew that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

That was two years ago.

Since last year, I have regained a lot of motivation and will to finish my studies. I had dropped out of the PhD program and have been recently working on my thesis for a Masters. Technically this is a big step back, I was way passed Masters status when the shit hit the fan but there is no intermediate degree nor do I have the want to go back into that program so it is Masters for me.

In the end, I am actually better off. It is much easier to find a job, and the money is about on par in industry. Part of me is still reluctant to walk away from my original dream (i do love teaching) but what can you do. Technically I do not have my degree yet. I still have some revisions to go through, but it can be done remotely.

So that leads to today. I'm basically deciding what I am throwing out, what I can try to sell, give away and what will go with me. I am fairly excited about leaving, most of my friends aren't around anymore and I have been fairly isolated out here. I miss jersey, I miss my family and my friends and access to city life again.

I'm somewhat nervous with job hunting. I've called a few places and looked up listings online and there are positions available, and hopefully I can get one of them as soon as I head back east. I am just so used to being a student that the idea of having money and a career seems foreign to me.

*sighs*

**Buck** · June 16th, 2008

Being this close to family has its good days and bad days.

Today is one of the latter, and I can honestly say that I think I'm reconsidering where I want to live/work.

**Buck** · November 2nd, 2008

Wow, I had an interesting morning.

Last night I went to some big Greek festivity. I honestly didn't want to go and didn't have that much fun at all. Most of the people are very much into the culture and I am not so there is a bit of disconnect in mentality. Imagine people saying or doing various things and me on the side nodding my head and saying how interesting that is when I honestly don't think that at all. (ha!)

Overall last night did end up being a lot of fun. I got to see some old friends from when I was a kid. People who I haven't seen in 5, 10 or even 20 years ago. There were 3 siblings sitting at the same table as my siblings and I were sat, and of course these were childhood family friends. I didn't recognize them at all, and one of them in particular claimed to be my best friend when we were 8 years old. I can recollect nearly every good friend I have had since 1st grade and I don't remember him. Talk about guilt, he'd be patting my shoulder and saying how good it is to see me 20 years later and I'm nodding my head and laughing my ass off cause I have no clue who he was. It's been bothering me and I've been told that if I saw pictures I would remember.

~shrugs~

Anyway, that was just a side thought. The odd thing that happened to me, happened this morning. I was flipping through some news sites and reading some email, the quill and some other more tech orientated sites like I normally do when I came across a message in my inbox. I'm guilty of using those lame dating sites

and not much has ever come from them but I still bother with them to some degree.

This message was from someone I had been doing email tag with for about a week. We traded pictures yesterday and I had sent mine first. I got 2 responses to it. First, a minor request for a newer picture. The one I sent was from last winter. Perfectly fair, the second email, which btw was sent right after the first was the more odd.

just paraphrasing but:

Ohhh I think I know who you are , and if you are who I think you are, ... =)

At this point I'm perplexed. I click the other email and look at the pic, and it's one of those artsy type pics that has been edited. I had to turn my head half sideways to see the face more clearly, and low and behold it is ... my ex from ... damn how long has it been... 6, 7 years?

We've met up a few times over the years, but always one of us was seeing someone else or some such. Never any interest. Now we are both single and meeting up on Wednesday and seeing what kind of vibe we have now adays.

I was very much not expecting this of all things this morning

**Buck** · April 2nd, 2009

I got a random email from an old professor of mine, whom I have not spoken with in a long time, and knew what it was about before peeking. The subject header was another professor's full name.

*clicks*

While coming down an exit ramp from a skyway, he was front ended by a bus going the WRONG way up the same ramp. When I read the specifics, aside from shock, I felt fury and the senselessness of it. How the hell does a bus driver do something like that?

Oh, and I use this same skyway and the same exact ramp when I go to work in the mornings. That could have been me just as easily, or some other poor soul going to work. It really makes me wonder about life sometimes and how precious it is.

Don't frack around, and have no regrets.

**Buck** · May 3rd, 2010

*dusts off yee ol' thread*

I've been extremely busy the last few months, and even now I've spent the last few days cramming for a class that's insanely hard (and awesome!). I'm at the calm before the storm, and I am seizing the opportunity to sit down and reflect on my most recent endeavors.

Where to start, it's been a while... hmm.

Well, let's see. I'm well on my way to finally finishing my degree. I've put it off for far too long, it's really satisfying to finally be going somewhere with it. My current project is phenomenal. I give the dumbed down explanation to anyone bothers to ask what I'm working on, and after a quick blurb I usually get a shove and a NO WAY!? THAT'S COOL! response.

Outside of work and school, I've been going out of my way to socialize. Something I've honestly never bothered with in the past. I'm not some party animal by any means (those days are looooong over and I'm not sad to say it), but I do dinner and drinks on a regular basis. and I've met some really cool people. Lots of flat out weirdos too, but I've run into a few gems in the rough as they say.

On a more intimate level, still single since I moved back here. Outside a brief relationship last summer, I've been on quite a few first dates and not that many second ones. Someone told me that I'm too picky, and I think they are probably right. But, that won't change anything. I have a few prospects, and I'm throwing myself out there but in no rush to get back in a relationship just for the sake of being in on.

And on a final note, a bit on health. I've been trying to keep that concept on the back burner, b/c I am in my 30's now and I can't eat junkfood or booze it up forever. I've been trying to keep someone active, but it's very difficult with how busy I've been this semester. I've lost most of the holiday weight I gained but I can't seem to shake that lethargic feeling I've gained this winter. It's hard to explain, it's as if I'm possessed by some sort of Sloth spirit. I've been cooking more, and been mostly staying away from fast food that is too unhealthy and I still feel very Fred sometimes. I want to start running again, since it is warm enough for it. However, I don't have a car anymore and considering how urban/divey my brother's neighborhood is, it isn't an option. Maybe I'll head into the city on the weekends and hit the Park or something. I don't know.

Now that I think about it, I think I miss playing sports. I wasn't ever awesome at any of it, though I did fairly well at softball and soccer, I know of no teams in the area nor of anyone interested in playing. I guess I'm spoiled by having gone to a sports school. *shakes fist*

Ok, back to studying...

**Buck** · May 8th, 2010

I've spent the better part of the evening conversing with this rose, telling it how beautiful you are. It didn't take my word for it, but seeing you now it can't help but leave it's jaw dropped open. The flower blossoms at your beauty, warmth, and glow.