REALLY bad jokes

[Dregs]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom

[Kindred]

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

[SonoftheSands]

Guy #1 walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. Guy #2 notices it:

Guy #2 "Hey, what's that?"
Guy #1 "A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist."
Guy #2 "Can I try?"

Guy #1 agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

Guy #2 "Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!"
Guy #1 "Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[Tenaka]

I couldnt resist this one since i see so many Aussies about here!

On his recent tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days out of
his itinerary for an impromptu visit to the wild outdoors of the far North of New Zealand. Way up on desolate Ninety Mile beach, near the mouth of the Te Paki Stream, safe in his 4X4 Pope-mobile, his entourage came upon an enormous commotion in the water. They rushed to see what it was about and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed a hapless man in the surf wearing a Wallabies rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a sixteen foot shark. Almost immediately a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black jerseys roared into view from beyond the surf line. One of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sharks' head, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached down and pulled the Aussie from the water and using long clubs, finished the shark off. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope. He summoned them to the beach. When they reached the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said,
"I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist turned the other Kiwis and asked: 'Who the bloody hell was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well ," the harpoonist replied, "he knows bugger all about shark fishing! Now - how's that bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?"

[Kindred]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[Kindred]

A young native Amererican woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"


"Well,you have no nipples."


"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.


"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."


She said, "OK."


"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"


She answered, "approximately 500."


"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.


Running Doe replied, "We're called ...... "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred".

[Jennifer]

That joke is so you, K, and that's what made me laugh...

[SonoftheSands]

I can claim no responsibility for this, but I found it hilarious.

http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/politics.htm

In other news, No i have not seen 9-11 yet. and I don't plan on it until it comes out on tape (or DVD, as the case may be)

[Kindred]

I can claim no responsibility for this, but I found it hilarious.

http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/politics.htm

In other news, No i have not seen 9-11 yet. and I don't plan on it until it comes out on tape (or DVD, as the case may be)

*****

(that was 5 star rating)

[Kindred]

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?











A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."

[wiggin]

I'd heard the joke using McCleod, rather closer to a real name.

[Kindred]

Q: How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?





A: Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.

[Kindred]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES









StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KILl oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

[Drewmandred]

Bad jokes? My speciality!

A man walks into the doctors with a banana stuck in one ear, a sausage up his nose and strawberries mashed into his armpits.
The doctor takes one look at him and says "You aren't eating properly."


A baby fur seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he'll have, to which the baby fur seal replies "Anything except Canadian Club on the rocks."

[Alexia]

Oh, lookit! A newbie! An AUSSIE newbie. Well this is bloody rare indeed!