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Love, Darkness and Sad (but Dreamy) Eyes

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My life has been pretty dramatic. There has been a lot of death in my life and it started at a very young age. And my mother has never been well. Honestly, I don't ever remember NOT praying that God please not take my mother away from me today(like he took everyone else). I don't know of another 3rd grader who was as aware of their mother's mortality as I was.

I think all my exposure to death, grief, trauma and stress has caused me to be pretty keen on picking up those feelings in others. Tell me a dirty joke and it will fly right over my head. But if you're within viewing or hearing distance of me and trying to hide a very bad day-I will always sense it. And I will always want to fix it. I will locate your dark places and do my best to shine a light into them when you can't. I will give anything to make you smile. My music, my money, my lame jokes, my body. It's all yours for the taking if you'll just tell me what's wrong and let me try to fix you. And when I can't-I find a dark place of my own.

So, there I stood, watching this boy I might love, with his eyes cast low, singing a murmuring song about something that no longer bothered him. I knew that it didn't-I'd seen his eyes a million times before and knew that these words, this drama, it no longer bothered him. But this time he definitely was feeling something. Something that wasn't the past which wrote that song. Something new.

I'm 90% sure I know what it is. There have been hints from him and from our friends. They've never said that it's my fault. I, honestly, don't think they blame me. Still, I feel responsible for the sadness in his eyes and the stress on his lips. I feel like I helped fuck up his life beyond all recognition. There is 100% no way for me to fix this. But he will smile and tell me it's fine. And I will smile and offer everything to distract him from it's presence.

I've found my dark place, again. Bollocks.

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