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Anita Blake

.....and

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OK. disclaimer: drunk. pretty drunk.

Disclaimer #2: humbebrag. A little. it's weird. so, I'm doing it.

Here's the thing. I'm drunk because I went to an industry mixer. there's this thing, once every few months, hosted by various people, designed to get people in my industry together for an evening at a bar with some drinks, door prizes, all that jazz. I go now with a good friend of mine, who works at a different company. Between the two of us, we know pretty much everyone there. It's nice. They rent out the whole bar, so everyone in the place is either someone you work with, have worked with, or will possibly work with in the future. It's cool.

But at some point, my friend and I start buying eachother drinks. and this eventually leads to the cylcle of "I owe you one", which inevitably leads to "i'm too drunk to function." Less of a problem for me specifically today, since i only have to work for 2 hours tomorrow, and not until the evening, but shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I drank too much wine. I did not mean to. I was hob-kobbing with high muckety-mucks and telling people that sure, I'd work on their small project, even though I hate doing that, and it inevitably leads to ruining my weekend sooner or later. The thing is, in my industry, because I work freelance, I can't just turn down work. I have to be always convincing people I'm awesome. Which I can only do by working for them. But since my end game is to never have to work again, this is somewhat self-defeating.

Hear me out: I like my job. I have the best job in the world. When i think about trying to do something else, I can't even imagine it. I mean, in my job, "NSFW" is a meaningless label. Literally nothing is NSFW. I mean, I once had a corworker come to me in concern over a disc he had been given to replace some shots in a movie with - the disc was full of gay porn. He wasn't sure if it was a weird mistake, or legitmately part of the movie. It was legit. His job that day included downloading some hardcore gay porn and putting it in the middle of a low-brow comedy. And while my job is usually these days not pornographic, that's not 100% a given. Anything could happen. Things that I hate, things I enjoy, who knows?! The point is: I really do love my job. I love what I do. I get to work on a highly popular TV series (well, popular in Canada, on specialty channels.) I get to work with great people. I get paid well for what I do, even if I know that I'm at the lower end of the payscale for my particular skillset.

So, when I say that I wish I had another month off, that the last month off I had was barely "off" but merely "not working at my regular place of employment" I'm not slagging what I do, or even my usual employers. I just wish I had some more me-time to spend at home, not thinking about work stuff, not watching TV shows that I would not normally watch, weaving instead of colour timing. I just love a lot of things, and I wish that there was more time in a day, in a week, in a month, to do all the things that I love.

I have a new loom, and since I took a new beginner basics course last month, i feel so much more confident and capable at my loom. And i want to explore that as much as possible. I love spending time with my kittens, who are as different as night and day, but with whom I'm falling more and more in love with each passing day. It's been 6 months since they came to live with us, and i am constantly frustrated by them and awed by them in turns. I love these furry little bastards. They're so different from Dracula, so different from each other, and I can't even draw the line between what's good and what's bad. Every day, I fall a little more in love with them. And it's a good thing.

My life is so full of so much amazing goodness. I love it. And I have to go back to work next week, and that makes me kind sad, because even though I love my work, it's only a part of my life, and it's a part of my life that keeps me from the other things I love. I mean, sure, it pays for those other things, but still. I resent having to go to work from 9-5 on weekdays, and not being able to be at home doing all these other things that are also so amazing. Well, my definition for "amazing" might be loose, but hey, whatever, I love my life, and that's a good thing.

Anyway, I'm drunk, so I don't know if this is a rant, or a lengthy brag, some of both, I suspect. I have a good life. I'm happy. I worry constantly that this means that things are about to go badly, but that might be because I've read too many fictional narratives wherin somethinng only has value once it's taken away. I think that being happy is the first step to knowing loss, so I worry, somehere in the back of my pesssimistic little brain. At the front parts of my brain, I know that's stupid, but I also think that it's part of simply appreciating what I have. To imagine it's loss. It's like a prayer in a way - when I imagine things, they usually don't happen, so to imagine losing all the things in my life that I love, the things that make me truly happy and content -it's like a kind of fail safe. A jinx. If it runs through my imagination, it probably won't happen. At least not the way I thought of it.

I guess that's why I occasionally dwell on the negative. It's like daring the universe to bow to my imagination. Counting on my negative luck. Well, not negative luck, since I think i've established that my luck is pretyy A-OK, but I hope you understand what I mean.

Life is good. I hope that doesn't change too much.

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