Page 25 of 25 FirstFirst ... 15232425
Results 361 to 364 of 364

Thread: Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

  1. #361
    "You should see what I see" Malcor Sylverwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    On the front line
    Posts
    4,510

    Default Re: Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

    Knight-errant of Carealot
    Soulstealer's old (and reigning) archnemesis
    ~has a Star at the center of his universe~
    The Hermit in the Tower
    The Fool's mostly stable sidekick

  2. #362
    "You should see what I see" Malcor Sylverwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    On the front line
    Posts
    4,510

    Default Re: Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

    I was going to write "I feel like Indiana Jones unearthing some lost relic" about coming back here. Back to my reflections thread specifically. But, I decided not to, because, well, it would be a lie. It makes it sound far too grandiose, far too exciting. Still, there is still something here. Some ghost, some whisper.

    In a strange mood tonight, gentle reader. It's been a while. My wife--heh, it is till strange to write or say that, I still want to reach for 'fiancee'-is out of town, visiting family. I should have been working on writing a journal article that I've been trying to write since July, but I failed to muster any energy. So I moped. ~sigh~ Have I ever mentioned that I have motivational issues?

    On a whim, I fired up the various messengers from my past. And as I scanned the dusty list of names...well, lets just say so much lost to the past. Even worse, so much simply...forgotten. Memory is volatile, my often seems excessively so. A very few on that list carried that same whisper, that same sigh. Most have been lost on the wind. Lost long ago.

    In a fit of melancholy, I pruned that list. Cut deeply. ~sigh~ I figure I would be bad at tending bonsai. I would think, with best intentions, that I was improving the aesthetic, only to find a dry and withered husk left there alone, sap like blood on the shears.

    Two of you, gentle reader, have reached out relatively recently. And to this point, you have been ignored. I could list various excuses and while some of them would certainly be valid, they would be avoided the worse truth. No, nothing personaly against you, gentle reader, just me. And the forgetting. In too many ways forgetting, while I know in my heart it is a crime, is easier.

    I won't blame you if you have forgotten or will forget me. Thet blame is mine.

    What I can still remember, the stars that still shine through the dark... ~smiles~

    -Malcor "Hermit" Sylverwood
    Knight-errant of Carealot
    Soulstealer's old (and reigning) archnemesis
    ~has a Star at the center of his universe~
    The Hermit in the Tower
    The Fool's mostly stable sidekick

  3. #363
    "You should see what I see" Malcor Sylverwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    On the front line
    Posts
    4,510

    Default Re: Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

    "I am TIRED of living under your RULES!" The shout carried so much, much more than he could bear. She had been his travelling companion and friend for so long. His sister. His Star. And now, shattered. All of it shattered. And for what? A trifle? A mistake? An inconvenience? Something more? Something less? Something that shouldn't have even mattered to him, almost certainly.

    He turned from his perch in the passenger seat, eyes flicking past the driver, the accomplice, the Fool to face Her. He then shouted. The shout, while angry, was much colder than would was burning in him in that moment. "You never had too."

    ---------------------

    Apologies, gentle reader, for the poor prose. Just a fragment of a dream. And, yes, I know that the sharing of dreams is often an eye-roll inducing thing. More often than not, rightfully so. Despite that, I've often considered writing some of these fragments down. Rarely have I. This reflection might contain the whole of them. If not, certainly most. I'm...mildly disturbed by the notion that there might be fragments of my dreamscape roaming about the world, possibly unattended.

    It is normal, I suppose, that dreams fade. They disappear. Even the ones that inspired me to think to put them to pen a paper. Too far gone by the time the though of writing becomes the act of writing. What I am less sure of is how normal it is to lose swaths of my past, my real living past, in much the same manner. It occurs to me that none of it may be gone, but so close as to only be a haunting, a ghost. A glimpse. A familiar smell. That feeling of deja vu. That shadow that moves just further away than what you can see. A touch, a caress. The whisper that isn't quite a word.

    This fragment hasn't faded. The rest of the dream, of which I am certain of its existence, is lost just past my fingertips. But this fragment. I've examined it, turned it over and over in my hands. Touched it. In the course of the day, it has grown only to be broken down again. I've told the story to myself a hundred different ways. Some have been grand, as epic as my mind will tell. Most have been simple. This simple ones have more texture. But all the tales crumble, collapse back into this one gleaming fragment.

    If you're still with me gentle reader, I just wanted you to know that it is odd.

    Anger, to me, is a strange beast. It seems that the hottest flames are the irrational. The mad. Real anger is often tempered. Not by logic or even temperance, but by other raw emotion. Sorrow. Pity. Regret. Whether real or just a dream.

    -Malcor "Hermit" Sylverwood
    Knight-errant of Carealot
    Soulstealer's old (and reigning) archnemesis
    ~has a Star at the center of his universe~
    The Hermit in the Tower
    The Fool's mostly stable sidekick

  4. #364
    "You should see what I see" Malcor Sylverwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    On the front line
    Posts
    4,510

    Default Re: Rambling of a fictional character (Truth in fiction)

    5 years, gentle reader. 5 years. A long time between chats. I suppose it's no surprise as this place is mostly forgotten except for the occasional ghost.

    Anyway, I just wanted to get something out into the ether. And I'll say what I'll say knowing full well that this is a first world problem, and hell, there is someone in this same situation who has had it much worse of late. But, in the end, I can only feel what I can feel.

    So, basically, work has been shit for a while. Early in the year, the director of the lab retired and management has totally fucked up what could have been a dream job. I love the research we do here, I love the location, and I really like most of the people I work with--I even hang out with some of them--which is quite a feat for someone as insular as myself. Since our boss's retirement, management decided not to hire someone to take his position...instead relying on the associate center director to try to keep things together. So in that time we've lacked direction and funding. There has been so much confusion that it's eroded the good relationship to to point of breaking. And, actually, now I'd say one his broken to the point of no return. Unless something changes fast, I'll probably start looking for a new place to call home. Jobs like this are pretty rare--even more rare in places that I would actually consider nice to live. And I'll leave behind people I care about. And I don't like any of it.

    But, really, that's not what I wanted to say. That's just the situation. I've probably been depressed for months now. Now don't go overboard with that, but it does suck. It's exhausting. It's also hard to admit. I doubt anyone but my better half even knows. I still think I'll be okay, but we'll see...it will all likely be different someday, and I'm hoping that different turns out to be better.

    The biggest thing I want to get across, gentle reader, isn't about me. It's about you. Try to keep up with the ones you care about, just because they are still smiling doesn't mean they are okay. And if you're the one, gentle reader, who is the one behind that particular smile--well, it is okay to be not okay. But don't get trapped in being not okay, find your voice, find the people, find your way. We'll find a way to be okay again.

    -Malcor "Much love, y'all" Sylverwood
    Knight-errant of Carealot
    Soulstealer's old (and reigning) archnemesis
    ~has a Star at the center of his universe~
    The Hermit in the Tower
    The Fool's mostly stable sidekick

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •